Here I am. Send me.

Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.

How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.

I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.

God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.

Choosing To Be Me

Feburary...March...April...and now May...

The months have flown by and I have watched each one come and go. I don't know when it was that I lost the desire to write. I don't remember why I haven't posted a new blog in four months, but here I am today with only a few minutes to share the things that are in my head.

I have been running. Running from everything I know I should be. I don't know when it was that I became tired of fighting the good fight, but I threw the towel in. This past weekend I picked it back up. It doesn't matter how many times I have failed in this journey; I know that my God is there, ready and willing to pick me up and put me back on the right road. A friend had an away message up earlier and it said something like this, "God...a myth created so that we don't have to deal with the fact that we are responsible for our own actions." I wrote back that just because there IS a God, doesn't mean we aren't responsible for our own actions. Free will is one of things that makes God so great. I also said that His forgiveness and mercy are what make Him AMAZING! I truly believe that.

I get to choose how I live my life, and recently I have chosen not to care. I just gave up somewhere along the way, and I let the enemy have way too much control. This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. I am coming upon the 6th year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Satan always knows that I am weakest point during this time, even when I don't know it. I have decided that this battle is over. I will no longer fight the enemy on this one. I've read the book, I know who wins. I will take my victory today thank you very much. I refuse to play this game with him. I'm sure there are times when he thinks he has won, but not anymore. I will put on my FULL ARMOR, and stop letting him hit me with the fiery arrows.

Today is a new day, and I will not be weighed down by the attacks of the enemy any longer. Today I choose to hold my head up high and know that God has something amazing in store for me. I'm not going to fight this battle of low self-esteem any more. I will not try to overcompensate by putting myself out there, thinking that the attention I receive is real. Instead, I choose today, to be me!

Learning to Forgive

The last two weeks have been about me learning to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do. When we are hurt we like to hold on to it. I know that I've been holding on to the hurt, mostly so that I would continue to feel the pain. I believed that if I stopped hurting then I would remember all of the good stuff, and that I would only open myself up to hurt again.

It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.

When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.

I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.

I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.

If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.

I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!

I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.

I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.

Taking Myself Out of the Game

I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.

I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.

I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.

I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.

I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.

I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.

For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.

It's Been Awhile

I feel as though I have written in ages. It's not that I stopped having anything to say, it's just that most of my writing comes from the pain in my life. I honestly have never been happier than I am at the time in my life, but I don't want that to be the cause of a lack of writing.

It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!

Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!

I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!

I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!

Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.

So EMOtional

My students (or former students I should say) always tell me that I am SO Emo...and I even had a comment from a friend the other day that said I never smile. Today has been a rough day, I cried a lot. I think I've wanted to cry for several days now, but for some reason today I couldn't hold back the tears. I try so hard not be as emotional as I am, but I shouldn't have to change that part of me. It's something that makes me who I am. Mostly I cried because I felt SO very alone. It's hard to be where I am at right now, not physically speaking, because I love my house and my job, but I am at this point in my life where I really don't know where I am going.

I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.

Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.

As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.

When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...

I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.

I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.

Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.

Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...

It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...

This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...

lots of love...
Jess

Standing Firm

I was lying out on the veranda tonight. The beauty of the stars literally brought me to tears. God is so amazing! How can people even question His existence? To think that we could all be walking around for no reason is quite disheartening. I don't know. Watching the stars tonight really made me think about a lot of things.

I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.

I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.

He is my Rock...

Giving it away...

I wish I could be all that I know I should be. I know that I should spend more time in prayer and devotion, giving God all of who I am, and letting Him have TOTAL control. I know that I should work out every day and eat better. I know I should find a church here and build a support system around me. I know that I should let go of some situations, because God has better and I'm just not allowing him to give it to me. I know I should spend more time on my manuscript. I know that I should spend less time on the internet. I know...I know...I know...

But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...

When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.

It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!

I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.

That's all there is to say right now.

I am less than I should be...

There are days when I feel like the future is something that's just out there...then there are other days when it consumes me. Sometimes it is with great excitement that I look forward, other times dread is what fills me. I am no closer to knowing the future than anyone else, and so I wonder why it is that we spend so much time thinking about it. The present is where we should be, but I suppose we realize that the present effects the future and that drives us to want to know what our decisions today will make of us tomorrow. I feel lost in this pool of self-discovery. I want to know what lies ahead, but I am tired of trying to see through a hazy crystal ball. Today is where I am...tomorrow isn't even guaranteed...and yet it is something I focus on continually...

I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...

How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???

I am less than I should be...I should be more...

Only Me...I Can't Be More...

You know...recently I have been struggling with the whole concept of why someone wouldn't want to be with me. This is by no means a ranting of false modesty, because I know that I have many flaws, but I am somewhat of an amazing person. I am pretty...not ugly anyways...I am highly intelligent...I am quick witted and funny...I love people with all that I am...I can find a reason in anything that makes it good...I am great with children...I am an amzing house cleaner (I could use help in the kitchen though!)...I love God...and I am a good person...so why is it that all around me people are finding love, but it seems to elude me?

I don't want to be one of those people who ends up bitter and alone, and I am afraid at times that I am headed down that road. I know that part of me is already bitter...and while I am surrounded by people who love me...I tend to feel so very alone...this is never where I saw myself, and how I ended up here...I don't know that I will ever know...

I know that I just have to hang in there...it will happen at the exact moment God wants it to...not a minute sooner...or a minute later...God's timing is perfect and I know that...I have trusted him so many times in so many other areas...but this one...I struggle with it...

Mostly it is because I am scared to love...scared to be in love...scared that when I find something that resembles love...it will be taken away from me...because that's how it has happened so many times before...I hate that he did this to me...I know it's not completely his fault...but every time I think of loving someone I think of all the hurt that I went through trying to get over him...trying to realize it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me anymore...I didn't do anything for him to take his love away...but he did it...I thought he hung the moon and he brought my world crashing down around my feet...I've tried to forgive him...and it is so hard when I have to sit there and smile as though all those years of pain never actually happened...but they did...and I know they did...and it hurts...but...I go on...I just don't know if I can love the way I am meant to...

I am scared of love...I am scared even more of losing it...and so...I shut myself off...most people only get to see the surface Jessica...or the finished product...I don't want anyone to see the rough draft...the original copy...in fact...I can probably count on my hands the people who have seen that part of me...and some of them wouldn't even know the real me right now...

I don't know...most of this probably doesn't make sense...but I'm tired and sick...so...here...random thoughts of a girl undone...that's what I'm here for...and tonight...that's what you get...

I am a Square Peg

I am a square peg. It is not something that I can help. I just am. In a world of round holes I have always been oddly out of place. Fitting in has just never been something I could accomplish. Yet, it is my uniqueness that allows me to love myself. On Thursday a friend told me I was just goofy. I replied with, "If I weren't would you really want to hang out with me." His return was that I would be boring (and this is SO true). I pride myself on my wacky, off beat personality. I love that I am different, because being normal is the farthest thing from what I am. I know that we are all created in a special way, but I like to think of myself as slightly off. I told my Mel the other day that I know God must have a sense of humor, because he created me.

I love that about me! I think the reason that I am thinking about these personality traits is because spending a lot of time with the kids brings it out in me more than usual. They love my goofiness (I just hope one day that my kids will love it too and not find it embarrassing). I love to laugh and I feel like I do it more and more each day. My kids bring something amazing into my life. They are what I live for. It's funny, because I definately see them as more than just a job. They are the sunshine on a cloudy day! I wonder if My Girl was written about a daughter, as opposed to a lover (which I have always thought until now). My kids keep me happy!

I have learned so much from them. I have learned what is important and what isn't. I have learned how to give and take. They have taught me what it means to be the best me that I can be. I couldn't ask for more than I have right now.

Not everything in life is perfect (oh how I wish that were possible at times). I'm slightly hurt. It is something I will get over. It's funny because it is not a deep hurt, just a twinge of pain that threatens bitterness, but I am fighting off the desire to be bitter, instead I am smiling, because I know that with every rose there is the threat of thorns. Aside from that small thing, I am learning to lay things down and hand them over to God. It is not an easy thing to do, but I know that His will is better than my own.

I am also trying to listen intently to what He is saying. I love to hear His voice. It is my desire to be all that He wants me to be. Right now, I know that I am letting some things slip...but this is all changing...God has given me new words! He is calling me to a higher place. I am excited to see where this square peg is going to fit (because I'm tired of trying to sqeeze into these round holes!).

It Begins!

My Soul Must Sing

I am nowhere near the person I should be, but God is shaping me into more than I could ever hope to become. I am blessed beyond measure. It has been an interesting ride recently (to say the least), and I know that it is far from over. I am letting him have control of things that I have hung onto for a very long time. And so here I am standing saying, take me Lord, use me Lord. Here I am broken...laying myself prostrate before you!

God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.

I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.

I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...

Let God be God

I decided tonight that I am not meant to sleep. It's not that sleep doesn't come to me, it's just that God allows different people to wake me each night. Sometimes it is somewhat expected, other times, it is not expected at all. I suppose this is again my chance to talk to God, and yes, I am taking that chance now...

It's so strange how I can feel so much at once...I am so happy, yet so sad all at the time...and I feel like a battle is raging inside of me...I love where I am...I love the family I work for, these kids are my life...I love them each SO much...everyday I feel that I learn something new from them...they make so happy...and yet...I feel so very alone...my soul is deseperate for more...

Why is it so hard for us to lay things down at his feet? Well...I guess that is not the hard part...what is truly difficult is leaving it there...I've felt this way many times about many things...I will lay something down that I am chained to...but instead of undoing the chain...I stay connected to it...and even though it's there at the feet of Jesus...I am still connected to it...still holding on to a bit of what I need let go of...why is it so difficult for us to just let go and let God?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I just want to let God be God...why is that so hard for us to do?

Bump in the Road

Not that I didn't expect it to happen sooner or later...I guess I was just hoping for later...

I don't know why I let myself slip and fall...I also don't know why I am allowing myself to dwell on my mistakes...God has already forgiven me...I just have to pick up and keep on moving forward...I hate that satan knows exactly where to attack me...and the thing is...I give in so easily. I need to be stronger here...I need to allow God to have this area of my life...it is my weakness...and it is where I am tempted the most...

I just finished a book called Soul Cravings...and I know that we fill our lives with many things because we are looking for some type of fulfillment...More than anything I just want to be wanted...I want someone to desire me...to love me...to want to spend their life with me...but many times I find myself giving in to the imitation of intimacy because I become weary of waiting for the precious reality that God has for me...

I love where I have been these last few days...I am happy with where my life is and where it is going...but I don't want to be mediocre...I don't want to give in to the desires of the flesh...because those desires will come and go...but my desire for my Lord...well...that is something that will always be there...through it all...

I know that God has something in store for me...and I am so scared that my distractions will not allow me to see what God has right in front of me...so I pray that I can grow stronger...because I don't want to miss out on ALL that God has for me...

Genuine Encounter

The last few days have been more than amazing! God has changed something within me and my life actually feels as though it has meaning again. It's like when you're driving and you get lost...you feel panicked and somewhat worried...but when you are back on the road that you know will lead you home, you feel safe and reassured. These last few days have given me those feelings of safety and reassurance. I am no longer worried about what has become of me...instead...I am now focused on what lies ahead of me and what God has in store for my life. I have always known that God has a bigger purpose for my life...and now...I feel that I am actually chasing after it...

I wish I could put into the words the freedom that I am feeling right now...yesterday I said...I don't think that I have ever been happier in my entire life...I feel weightless...I feel as though every burden has been taken from me and I am now freer than I have ever been...this is the greatest feeling...and it's not the fake...I've been to the best service or camp or revival...this was a genuine encounter with God...I feel as though God has taken me from my lowest low and placed me on my highest high...I am communing with Him...we are talking everyday...yes...every day I hear something new from God...

This freedom...this amazing feeling that I am on the right track...this is worth it...worth all of the bad that I've gone through to get here...THIS is the moment that I am choosing to live a life devoted to him...no longer stuck in a rut of mediocrity...I am giving him my all...everything...I lay it down...here and now...my life is nothing without him...he is my all in all...

Disney and Real Love

Cinderella

So this is love, Mmmmmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmmmmm
Mmmmmm
So this is love

Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Sleeping Beauty

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream

What is it about Disney Princesses? I look back now and realize that those fairy tales give off a false sense of hope. Mostly it is our own view of the tale that makes it that way. We generally think, now why can't I have a happy ending like that. But, look with me, if you will, at the journey they took to get to that love. Cinderella lost both her father and her mother and was left in the care of a woman who treated her as a servant in her own house. She was forced to live in an attic and take care of the things they should have hired someone else to do. She gets to go to the ball only to leave after meeting an amazing man. She gets locked in the attic and only barely gets out in time for her to reveal that she is the one that the price loves. Yes...in the end she gets the prince...but I very seriously doubt that it was a happily ever after. She probably dealt with abandonment issues, and was possibly even a little OCD when it came to cleaning the palace. There would be times when she wouldn't know how to communicate with her husband, and he would probably get a little frustrated with her at times. Yes, they would love each other...but things for Cinderella were and would be far from perfect.

Now let's look at Belle. She has no mother to speak of and ends up taking care of her father when it should be the other way around. She lives in a little town and aspires for something more. She ends up trapped in a castle, made to make nice with a literal beast, and is forced to be away from her father (the only one she's ever known love from). I don't know about you, but I am not really all that jealous of Belle's journey to love. And would they have trust issues? Think about it, the whole reason they ended up together is because the Beast forced her to be there (and yes, I know he eventually let her go)...but would they be able to trust each other completely?

Aurora...This girl is made to live a complete lie (talk about having some trust issues)...She grows up not knowing her mother or her father. She's raised by three women in the middle of the forest. She has no friends. She is so lonely. And then the truth is revealed her to. I can't imagine what it must have been like to find out that the people you trusted with everything, even your love, had been lying to you your entire life. Then she is tricked. She is placed in pretty much a coma...and is completely helpless. And once she and Phillip are together, what will thier happily ever after be like? I think it would take a while for her to trust completely. And what about the whole parent thing. She has to get to know her parents. That would be so wierd.

This is something that I have always found funny about romantic movies...yes, there is generally a happy ending (if there weren't then what would be the point of watching it)...but what about all of the stuff that led up to that. The Wedding Planner is my favorite movie to analyze when it comes to this. Mary was engaged and then cheated on at her wedding shower. She then led a very lonely life. She was all work. She had shut all chances of love out. Then, when she thinks she might have found the guy that could change all of that he winds up being taken. Not just taken, he was a client. All the while, her father is trying to match her up with the guy from Italy...she almost throws away her love for Steve for safety and the chance that love might come to her. Yeah...she gets the guy in the end...but do we really want to have to go through all of that just to get the happy ending?

I believe that love is something worth having, but instead of romantically fantasizing about our happy ending...let's make the journey to that love...yeah...let's make that journey the happy part of the tale...and let's not forget that once that love is found...it is not the end...but the beginning...

GOD IS LOVE...and that is something that we have to know...we have to believe...we have to hold on to...because He is the author of our love stories...He has the script...we're just following His lead...

I don't know...

Today is one of those days. I don't know if it is because I'm sick and I don't feel well, or if there is some other underlying reasoning, but I miss Bartow today. I miss my family and my friends. I miss Sundays. I miss Pastor Tommy and his family...Sonny's after church...watching football games that I could care less about...I miss Lana...SO much...I miss my parents and Megan and Bruce and Brandon and Rebekah...I just do...I miss my students...I miss Tayor the most...I wish that I were there so that I could see them all...

The funny thing is...I love my job...what I'm doing is amazing...these kids are my life. I am part of a family here, but they are all I have and for the most part they are enough...but there is the small part of me that is lonely for companionship. I fill the void quite well with trips to Bartow...but I am missing something...and I feel it desperately...

The thing is...my relationship with God has been improving...I am no where near where I want to be...but I know that I am taking steps to get there...I just feel as though I am walking around wanting something that I can't even describe...maybe the reality is that I know what I want...I'm just scared of it...I'm scared to admit it...because somewhere in the back of my mind I am afraid that I will only be broken again...

Why is it that we are scared of brokeness...It is such a beautiful thing and all that we go through to get to that point is usually worth the pain...maybe...my fear is keeping me from something amazing...maybe my fear is holding me back...I don't know...but today...I sit here alone...wishing that I could let go of my fears and embrace the possibilities...

Sleepless Nights...

I spend many nights awake when I should be long asleep. It has been something that has plagued me over the last few months. I can't explain why. Most of the time I look at my periods of insomnia as chances to re-examine what is going on in my life. I would sit here and say that I use these times for prayer and supplication, but that would be a lie. I guess tonight is somewhat different though. Tonight I realize that when God wakes me in the night...maybe He has something to say.

I feel that God has been trying to talk to me a lot recently. He's been talking to me about where I am spiritually...where I am going in my life...and why I have been running away from him so fervently. I know that He wants me to examine my heart...He wants me to realize that He's not done with me yet. He has placed a great calling on my life, but part of me has always been scared of my calling. I fear that I won't accomplish all that I know He has set for me to do. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared of the opposition I will face. The thing is, I've known this for a long time. I didn't used to be scared. I don't know why I am now. Maybe it is because I can actually do what He has called me to now. Maybe it is that what was once a dream could soon become reality.

I hate that I used to be stronger. In the past there is no way I would let the attacks of satan keep me from what God has placed in my heart. I have let other things become priority in my heart, and that is how satan has gotten to me. He knows that my desires to feel loved and wanted have come to the forefront of my mind and heart. He has exploited these wants and desires and now they are being used against me.

I think that tonight, as I sit here typing this, God is revealing many things to me. I know that I can go to sleep peacefully tonight and expect to sleep through until morning. And tomorrow when I wake I will face the challenges head on. I will no longer turn my back to my calling, but will push forward. God placed these dreams in my heart for a reason. He has made it clear to me that He is not giving up, He is not backing down. I can do this! I know...because God promised that I could do ALL things through Him...and HE will give me strength...

I've Had My Moments

I have been so many things. I have been the girl who has done everything right, and I have been the girl who has done everything wrong. It seems that recently I have chosen to be someone I never intended to be. It is so much easier to live a life where you choose not to be accountable, yet this life also brings with it much strife. I think I've been running from God. I think that I just got tired of telling Him I was sorry. I got tired of giving Him another excuse. Instead, I just stopped talking.

Today I got a package in the mail. It seems that God is not done talking to me. He really has a way of making sure He gets your attention. It was from my cousin. God had really been laying me on her heart. She sent me a card and a letter and a notebook. She reminded me that God isn't done with me yet. He has great plans for me, if I will just let Him take over.

I am so tired of making things a priority, when today, they don't even matter. Tomorrow is not a promise, so I have to be the best me that I can be today...I am tired of looking back over my moments. I want to live my moments right now. I used to be a better person. I used to care more. I used to want more. I don't even know when I stopped being me. I don't know when I chose to take the easy road. I do know that I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for something new.

Do I Deserve More?

Recently it has been brought to my attention that I might be settling for less than what I deserve. I happen to have a problem with this. Not that people are telling me this, but that I generally do settle for less. I don't know if it is that I have a savior comlex and I am looking to save someone, or if it is just that I want to be with someone who is more messed up than I am…but I tend to be attracted to the kind of guy I really shouldn't be spending the rest of my life with.

Every guy that I have been in a relationship with has been emotionally unavailable…even when I was in the relationship with them. Beyond that, I tend to be drawn to the kind of guy that is pretty much not what I have always wanted. I am a hopeless romantic. Give me the flowers and the cheesiness of it all…I still love it when a guy shows you that they care. Even though that is the case, I tend to date guys that do not have one romantic bone in their body. Their idea of romance is that they want to make out with me…I need more than that.

I need someone who wants to take the time to know my quirks…my likes and dislikes…I want a guy who realizes he should never buy me a rose…because daisies are my favorite flowers…I want a guy who knows I would rather stay in and cook together than to go out to a restraunt…I want a guy who opens the door for me, without me having to say something about it…I want a guy who tells me he loves me…and I never have to ask why…I want a guy who will be the spiritual head of our relationship…I want a guy who is smart…and funny…who knows how to take a joke…who loves kids and will put up my mood swings…who finds my incessant talking charming…and more than wanting or needing things…I truely believe that I deserve them…

So…why do I settle? Is it the desire just to be wanted…no matter what the cost is…? I guess…I'm tired of settling…and I am tired of lying to myself. Take for instance, my recent relationship follies…I want to believe that this guy is the right guy, but there are factors that make me question all of this…so…if I am constantly trying to convince myself that he could be right…aren't I doing a diservice to myself…???

Something to think about…

I know that I do deserve more than I am letting myself have…I am selling myself short and…that's never what God intended…

Putting God In a Box

Have you ever realized how often we put God in a box? We tend to think that we know what is best for our lives, and we let God know what that should be. What we need to stop and realize is that God doesn’t need our opinion or our approval. What He needs is for us to be obedient, and to lay down our plans for His. I think we get so caught up in the planning of our lives, that we often forget God already has a plan.

I was talking with a friend today. Where she is at right now, and some of the things she’s experiencing are kind of cool. She had a secret admirer. It was cute and charming, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about all of it. She thought that maybe he wouldn’t be her type, or that he wasn’t going to be what she wanted. Once he revealed who he was, she still wasn’t sure. She’s going out with him this weekend for what will be their first date. As I was talking to her, it made me realize that we need to be open to possiblities. It’s when we close ourselves off to those possibilities that we are putting God in that little box of ours.

I know that I am guilty of this most of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. I have been riding this rollercoaster for so long, going back and forth from feelings of contentment, to feelings of resentment. One moment I am happy and thrilled that God has allowed me to be single, and then there are other times when I am so angry at God for making me be alone. What I have failed to realize is that I just need to let it go. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, or even tried, it’s just that I didn’t realize it was so important. Instead, I hold on to the temporary satisfaction of a relationship here and a relationship there. To be completely satisfied I need to hand it all over to God.

That is so much easier said than done. Letting go of something we hold so dear is a hard thing to do. It will take time, but in the end it will be completely worth it.

I don’t just want to be in A relationship. I want to be in THE relationship. I know that God has it out there…I just have to stop putting him in the box…I need to realize that His power over my love life is much greater than my own…I have to realize that there are possiblities out there…and God is ready to show me the ones in my life…if I will just let Him…

Today I Miss My Friends

It's funny...because as much as I love them...I do not always miss them...but today...I thought about them and started crying...I miss them all so much...and I don't want to be like...why the heck do I miss them...but...why the heck do I miss them so much today...??? I don't know...maybe it's the fact that I haven't seen some of them in three weeks...CRAZY!!! I was having my once a week fix there for a while...but I took the fix away and now I'm having withdrawls...

It's hard...because I'm happy here...really truely happy...but there are times when I just miss people...and today has been one of those days...I just want to cry...because I want to...and in an hour when I have the kids...I won't be so lonely and I won't think about it all that much...but today...for now...I miss you all...

I really, really do...

My Love Poem...

I've posted this once before, but it has been on my mind recently...so here it is once more

Unrequited Love
By Jessica R. Buchanan

Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be awoken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.

I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.

Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.

Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.

Casting the First Stone...

Do you ever wonder what it is in us that causes us to judge someone
else's choices? It has been somewhat of a theme for me over the last
few weeks. I have had to stand back and listen to people as they talk
about certain situations...and it all makes me wonder why we do it.
Don't get me wrong...I am not innocent of judgement. I have been
there...I have been the one who has seen someone's choices and made my
own judgement as to what they are doing wrong and what they should be
doing and who they are hurting or why they are doing what they are
doing...but really...I guess...it just seems pointless...Mostly we do
it without even knowing all of the circumstances...we sit back and
pretend we know what's going on...but we don't...

It just seems to me that we as Christians should be living up to a
higher standard...It's frustrating...because...it would be really easy
for someone to look at my life and judge my decisions, but they don't
know what I've been through or why I made those choices...so why do we
do it? Judge not, lest ye be judged...right? Who knows...I just had
something brought to my to attention today...and it really bothered me
that judgement was being given...I mean...we're not without sin...we
can't cast the first stone...yet..we do it every day...

Matthew 7:1-5
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Tonight

Today has been good...it's funny because I really was looking forward to going back to the new church today...but it seems as though God had other plans...and I am thankful he did...I don't know really how to explain it...only that...I feel lighter now...like the burdens that were weighing heavy on my shoulders are no longer there...

I feel free...

God and I have talked tonight...He has heard the cry of my heart...and I have heard His...

I have let myself be stagnant for far too long...today...I stand...ready to be more...ready to face whatever comes at me with the assurance that I am living every second for my Creator...it is not going to be an easy walk and there will be times when I fall...but...I know that His hand will pull me up when I can't go on alone...

Right now He is carrying me through all of this and I can't wait to see where my life is going...I am excited...He has renewed me...He has given me strength...

My Tears Don't Hurt This Time

...My heart might, but the tears feel as though they help. Somehow when I cry, it is as though the pain is slowly leaving me. What am I doing? What have I done? I am not me anymore...I am only a shallow shell of the person I was. When did I make that turn? When did I choose to be someone I'm not? I don't even know who I am anymore...I have become the girl behind the mask...

I don't like her so much these days...

I have let myself become someone who can be used by others...I am stronger than that...I thought I knew what I was doing...I thought I knew what I wanted...I thought they cared...

silly me...

I never wanted anything from them...I never wanted what I knew they could never give me...I just wanted to feel wanted...even if it was just an illusion...I knew it was an illusion...

Is this really so hard...to find someone who actually wants to be with me...I honestly thought there was something to me...but maybe I'm wrong...maybe all that I have ever tried to be...well...no one wanted her...and even now I only have illusions to follow me around...tomorrow maybe reality will come and then I won't be alone anymore...

I wanted nothing from them...and I suppose that's what I got..

...and so...I love...

Today...right now...at this moment...I am thankful for everything that I have experienced...everything that I have been through...and there are so many things that I love...and I just wanted to share them with you...

I love it when it rains...any kind of rain will do...but mostly when the gray clouds are out and it's one of those days where you just want to stay in bed and read a good book...or when the night has fallen and lightening makes the darkness disappear for a moment and the sound of thunder serenades you...I love that...

I love fall...but not fall here...fall up north where the leaves change to hues of red and gold...and the wind gets to the point where it almost bites you...you begin to dress warmer and everything tends to be more vibrant...I love everything about fall...even raking...I love the smell of the dying leaves and the way it feels to jump in a pile of them...all the while knowing you will have to rake them once more...I love jack-o-lanterns and little kid's costumes...I love Thanksgiving and what it means...not just a time to eat turkey but to truly be thankful for what you have...

I love snow...I don't love playing in it...but I love the way it makes everything look clean...how pure white can cover an entire hillside and take your breath away...I love to ski...down a mountain...the rush of wind against your face...somehow it clears your mind...you can't think of problems...all you think of is speed...and the way it makes you feel...I just love that...

I love kids...I love their brutal honesty...it makes wonder at what point we learn to tell lies...I love how sincere they are...how when they tell you they love you...you don't question it...because no matter what...you know they really do...I love it when they lay their head upon your shoulder...or when they grab your hand and say...I just want to know that you're here...I love kids...and I love what they bring to my life...

I love my family...they might not always make me happy and they rarely understand me...but they will ALWAYS love me...and I am so thankful for that...my mom and dad have taught me so much about what it means to be a good person...and I hope that I have made them proud...my little brother is a blessing and he brightens my life...and his girlfriend is my pea pod...she's so like me and we are blessed by her...my sister is my sharpening tool...if I didn't have her...I wouldn't be who I am today (and that's a good thing)...her husband...well...he's blessed...and blessed us...she is SO lucky...and I love that for her...

I love the way it feels to just sit with a guy...his arm around you...not having to say a thing...just a mutual understanding that all you want at that moment is each other...I love the way kisses feel...and how when lips brush against my neck I laugh...I love when a guy looks you in the eyes and at that moment you are the only two people who exist...I love feeling wanted...and I enjoy that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says...this is love...this is really love...

I love clothes and shoes...I like putting them on...mixing them up and deciding why I look the way I do...I just do...

I love my friends...I love how they make me laugh and how an inside joke can go on forever...I love how they each bring something different to my life...and I love how recently I have developed many female friendships...they help me through this thing called life...and they bring joy to my life...if I didn't have them...well...life would never be quite as interesting...

I love the ocean...the sound of the waves...the calm that can come from just sitting there early in the morning...beauty before you...it makes me realize how much God has given us...

...and so...I love...

Alone

Ok...another random rant for the faithful few who actually read these things...

I always believe that standing in line when you shop is a testing ground for patience...tonight...I've never wanted to say something to someone...NEVER...but tonight...I had 14 items in my cart...so I didn't go to the 10 item check out...because I always feel bad about doing that...right as I passed it...she motioned for this couple who had at least 50 items in their cart...and I was like...you've got to be kidding me...seriously?...this is so not happening right now...I just stood there...thinking...this is such a silly thing to get upset about...and I don't know why I am letting it get to me...the only thing I could think was that for the last few things I have been hyper sensitive about everything...and this was just another case where I was way too...sensitive...

I sat typing a letter to a friend today...and again...I cried...and it's over stuff that is dumb...and I know that I shouldn't let it bother me...but it does...I guess at a certain point you hope that the things that have brought you down in the past will just go away...that somehow you are over the fact that you are single and no one wants you...or that you want to be wanted...but you don't want to settle...you want to be sold out...but you're tired of trying...A good friend of mine told me today...keep running the race...but I am so tired...I barely feel that I can pull through any more...

The thing that bothers me...is that I truly do love my life...my job is amazing...and while I'm working...life is great...it's when I am alone...(which ends up being a lot of time)...that it's hard for me...I am such a social person...I love to be with people...and...right now...I just feel lonely...in more ways than one...

Today one of my guy friends was talking to me about this girl...and as I listened to him...I just thought...I wish someone wanted me like that...I wish someone loved me like that...why does this all have to be so complicated...and why isn't it my turn...I know...I've said this so many times...I guess...I'm just tired of waiting...I will...wait...but it doesn't feel like a choice any more...and that's all I've ever wanted to believe it was...but guess what...I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE ALONE...and yet...here I am...alone...

I love my friends...and I know that people care about me...but I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life...

so...if you think about it...send up a prayer for me...that I can find a place where I belong...where people want me...where I no longer feel alone...

My tears hurt...and I don't want to hurt any more...

sorry for this bitter diatribe...my heart just doesn't feel whole right now...and...I want to be whole...

the end

To Stop Thinking Would Be Bliss

This is going to be a somewhat random rant of things I love, things I hate...and things I just can't decide whether I love them or hate them...

I hate pimples...I don't understand why today I have like five...seriously...I wash my face...rarely wear make up...am I stressed? Maybe I'm stressing myself out and my body is taking it out on me...grrr...I just hate them...

I hate bras...my favorite part of every day is when I get to take it off...the thing that counfounds me though is the fact that I genuinely like wearing a sports bra...and sometimes...they're great...but tonight...well...I hated it!!!

I hate that for some reason when doing my eyebrows I have been taking out small chunks of my eyelashes...not only is that not good...IT HURTS!!!

I hate not having friends here...or not having had the time to make any...I don't want to miss Bartow...but I do...and I hate that you don't want to be in a place until you are no longer there...

I hate that I miss being a teacher...I hate that I miss my kids...and my classroom...I HATE IT!!!

Now...here are some of the things I love...

I love my three beautiful children that I get the priveledge of spending almost every day with...I love who they are...even when I don't like who they are being...they make me wake up every day (and not just because they are loud)...I love them!

I love the beach...the sound of the waves, the water, the sun...I love the ocean...I want to go out on a boat...I love being this close to the beach...it is amazing!

I love my family...my mom and dad...my sister and my brothers...ha ha...I love saying that...I love that my sister is now married to the love of her life...(I do hate that a small part of me is jealous though)...

I love Lana and Rach and how they make me feel missed...and how they make me laugh...and how they tell me NO...because they know I need to hear that! They have been amazing over the last few weeks...seriously...

I love that feeling you get when you have butterflies because someone sent you a text or called you in the middle of the night...the way it feels to be wanted...the way it feels to want to be wanted...

I love long walks on the beach, bonfires, daisies, a guy who will open every door for me...someone who loves me for me (that in itself is a tall order)...someone who looks past my flaws....I love that I know that there will come a day when I will marry the love of my life...

The things I'm not sure of...

well...

I'm not sure...

There are things that run through my head...that I wonder how to make it go away...how to breathe in and breathe out without having to think about it...to not think...just for a little while...that would be nice...

Anyways...I told you this would be a random rant...and there is was...and now it's done...later days...

A Day in the Life

It's a hard life, but someone has to live it...Take today for instance. Woke up, went downstairs...made pancakes for Alexa...then...we got in the hot tub...it was really hard work...oh...you just don't understand...walking right out the back door and there it is...we were out there for almost an hour...and then we washed up...got dressed...did our hair...she laid in my bed while I did my hair and make-up...watching dragon tales...and then we went to the toy store...Chik-fil-a...and home...went to pick up the other two from school...went all over town to find a specific Webkinz (if you don't know what that is...count yourself among the blessed)...went home...fixed a snack...did homework...played on the wii (I kick butt at ping pong!)...and then we had some quiet time before I got off...

What a day!

Seriously though...I love my job...the last couple of days have been hard because Alexa has spent a lot of time crying (mostly because she misses having her brother and sister around)...but today was such an amazing day!

It's funny...because they are my life...everything I do...has to do with them. Take my recent default picture...that's me and Alexa at the office...in the back playroom...playing dress-up...I know...you are so jealous...you WISH you could be that cool...

My kids are going to be so spoiled...although the thought did pop into my head today...I can't imagine chasing a four year old around when you are eight months pregnant...that would be CRAZY!!! Anywho...

I don't know what's going on with everyone else out there in cyberspace...but I really do enjoy what I am doing right now. I am so blessed!

Life is Good...

Life seems pretty good right now...I have an amazing job where I get to spend time with some pretty amazing kids. Today was so much fun...I went to a new church and met some really cool people...went to lunch with them...and then went swimming with the kids...I am somewhat wiped out from the swimming...oh goodness...did we have fun! The two youngest have just completed their swim lessons so they are pretty much experts now...neither of them can really go to the deep end...but they'll get there sooner than they realize...

Tomorrow is the start of school for the two oldest...which leaves me an little Alexa to have fun with one another. She is a doll...a pistol...totally pig-headed...but she already has my heart...these kids are spectacular...We have spent a lot of time together this last week and I am just blessed off my socks to have such amazing people in my life...

Seriously...today was GREAT!

It did make me miss home a little though...the whole going out to eat after church thing totally had me missing Sonny's...plus I ate at a place called Dustin's last night...it reminded me of Sonny's too...I miss you guys...I really do...

I just wanted to post a little update on my life...it's good...it's really good...

Here

I can't believe that I haven't even been here a week. I have a mixture of feelings. I am so excited, because this job is exactly what I wanted. I have so much hope in this whole thing. I love the family and already feel as though I am a part of what is going on here. This house is amazing. I have only been in a few houses this nice and my cousin's house in Kentucky is the only one I find even remotely comparable to it. They actually have a theatre upstairs...a REAL theatre...It is amazingly spectacular. The kids are wonderful. They are by no means of the word, perfect...but they are good. Each one offers so much of their individuality to this job...and I love the challenges I face. Brianna, the oldest is the only one I feel that I haven't truly found a way to connect with. I think this is due in large part to the fact that she feels like she doesn't need a nanny...which I totally understand.

I went to church on Sunday night and it was by far the best service I have been to in YEARS!!! Pastor Jim is AMAZING! And I am excited about being a part of this. On Thursday I am going to the young adults group. They meet in a small group at Barnes and Nobles...I met the pastor and his fiance (they are getting married this weekend). I am excited about meeting some new people. It will be really good for me. I feel somewhat lonely, but am trying to let it pass...thinking that it's probably normal. Don't get me wrong, I am not lonely in every sense of the word, only in that there are times when I wish that I had someone close by, so that when I get off...I'm not just watching tv or a movie up in my room...but that I might be able to go out...just...talk to someone...

I feel as though I am throwing a pity party inside myself...and it's ridiculous...and I know it...I hate it when I let petty things totally tear me apart...tear my sefl-worth slowly from my hands...God did not make me someone to be walked on...but I can do all things through him...the thing is I knew that God was pulling me away from people...so I don't know why I am surprised that I am not a priority friend for those people any more...Goodness...that sounds so lame...and completely sorrowful...I know that people love me...it's not that...it's just...I wish I knew how to explain this...I mean...I hate that I feel this way...and I don't know...I just wanted to vent...to say that...I don't care if it's "out of sight out of mind"...I'm here for a reason...and no matter how much I loved those people...one day I will find someone that won't just forget...

Wow...I can't believe how very lame this all is...but...there...that was my pity party...and sad as it is...I actually do feel better...

Starting a New Journey

I got the job! I am so excited at where God is taking me. It is scary and exhilrating all at the same time. I have been hanging in there all summer...held up only by my faith, and here at last I find that I am completely happy with where God has brought me. I truly could not ask for more. This position is perfect for me. I will be moving to Ormond Beach where I will be a nanny for a family of five. Their three kids are all adorable and will be both fun and challenging. I truly believe that this is where God wants me. I get the chance to impact lives. Three little lives.

I will be living with them and taking care of the kids most days, having a couple of days off here and there. I don't know that I have ever been this excited about anything. At the same time I am a little sad that I won't be here with my friends...but as I stated a few blogs back...I've really felt as though God were seperating from people anyways...

So here I am...on the verge of a new journey...I can't wait...and it comes sooner than expected. I will be leaving this Friday! I know...I got the call today. It's bittersweet because my dad left today and I didn't realize that I wouldn't see him before I moved away. I mean, I know it's not like I won't be back, but he and I have already talked, so it's all good.

I can't believe that I am leaving...I mean...Bartow has basically been home to me for the last two years...even though I haven't lived here that whole time...I have been blessed to form friendships that I find to be priceless. I could never have asked for better friends while I have been here...it is a shame that I have known some of them such a short time...but they are in my heart...and I will be back to visit. I can't believe that this has all happened in the span of a month...it feels much shorter...as though it all just happened...I believe that this move will change my life...and that there are reasons I don't even understand that are leading me to this job...God is so good...and I continue to put my faith in Him...

A Clean Room, A Dead Frog, and Blind Faith

I am sitting here in the middle of cleaning my room...I was just talking to Merri and she was like "that doesn't sound like fun"...and I thought...well...it isn't...but I am deep cleaning it with the faith that I will be moving soon, and I would rather deep clean now...and get rid of all of the things that I don't need or use anymore...and to get everything organized...then to try to do it while I am trying to pack...

Today I met with the husband and wife who are considering hiring me as a nanny. It was such an amazing experience...I have never wanted anything this bad. The entire situation is perfect for me...and I am truly believing that this is where God is sending me...I think that faith is such an interesting thing...I believe that this is where God wants me...but satan is good about sneaking in and trying to tear away my faith...don't get me wrong...I know that if this is not God's will for my life that He will shut the door (which is what I am praying)...but that if this is where He wants me then He will strategically move me in that direction...and I am hanging on to my blind faith right now...

I have always been pretty good about the whole faith thing...in most parts of my life...and His guiding me in the right direction is no exception...There have been so many times when I have just known that God would open the right door at the right time...He always has...and I don't know why this time should be any different...

Today a lot of people were praying for me...if you were one of those people...THANK YOU!!! I totally felt at peace and it helped knowing that so many of you had me in your prayers...I will probably know tomorrow whether or not I got the position...I am excited...and still in need of those prayers...right now I am anxious...because tomorrow will mean so many things...

God is so good...and I am so blessed!

Speaking of dead frogs...ok...that was nowhere in any of what I just said...but it was in my subject...so...while I was cleaning my room...I found a DEAD FROG!!! EW!!! Oh my goodness...I was freaking out...yikes...I didn't know what it was at first...so I just picked it up...then I dropped it and screamed...I know...I am such a girl...but I like being such a girl...lol

Dead frogs freak me out...


The End

Time to go...

I couldn't be happier with my life, but have you ever just got the feeling that it was time to go...like...everything around you was lining up so that you had the freedom to move on...without guilt of the desire to stick around...??? I just have been feeling the last few weeks that maybe everything that's been going on around me is leading up to helping it be easier for me to leave...

I don't know that any of what I just wrote even makes sense. I am sitting here at 12:30 in the morning...I've just been crying, and I know that my tears weren't in vain...it just feels that it is time for me to leave...I don't have the connections here that I once thought that I did...and I really believe that's a God thing...

I know that I have never really fit in anywhere...I kinda tend to stand out more than anything else...I am too old, or too young, or too single...or just too me...I am ready to find a place where I fit...where I actually feel needed...or...wanted...not in a "woe is me" kind of way...but in a way where I need to be there...I want to be there...and right now...I don't believe that this is either...I am tired of turning around every day wondering if I offended someone because they haven't talked to me in a few weeks...or if I am getting on someone's nerves because I find out they went out with a bunch of people...and didn't think to ask me along...I am tired of feeling like the friends I once thought I had...well...

I almost feel as though my heart has been stepped on...and maybe most of that is my fault...I shouldn't care so much...It shouldn't matter...I shouldn't be crying...grrr...I hate tears...lol...but hey...next week I will know if I am leaving or not...I truly hope it is the leaving...because I really believe it is time for me to be in a new place...to experience new things...to meet new people...I am ready to leave...I am ready to go...

Life is Good

It's funny, because we tend to write these things when we are going through tough times, or when we need to say something...but what about when life is good...when nothing is going wrong...and you're just happy...

Right now I couldn't be happier with where I am...and...it's not like I'm in the best situation ever...I am 25...I live with my parents...and I have no job...oh yeah...and my sister (my little sister) is getting married...and I am totally single!

It's so funny...you expect to feel this way when everything in your life is going right...but...this makes me feel that...God must be in complete control...

EW! There was just a Beano commercial on...not that that is important...it just disctracted me...and I am watchin tivo...so I can FF...boo...ok...back to the regularly scheduled blog...

Seriously, I love my life...I am in the process of finding a job...actually...the perfect job...I couldn't be happier being single...I wish I could have been this happy years ago...if I had only known how much time I was wasting...guys are so not worth the time...don't get me wrong...I eventually want to be with that one guy who makes the world better...but I know now that it's God's plan...not mine...that I need to be concerned with...

I don't know...I'm just happy...and I wanted to...let everyone know that life is what we make it...we have to choose to be happy...even when there's no real reason...

My Little Break

As most of you know, at the end of the school year the administration of GJHS told me that they were not going to be asking me back for another year. I sat there, trying with all of my might not to cry. I got up, walked out of that office, and I can remember that as I walked down that hallway I just kept thinking that God knew what He was doing. It was with great effort that I got through the rest of the year without a break down, and I didn't cry until having to say good bye to all of the other teachers that I had worked with.

Since the end of school I have waited anxiously for my interview with the county. After that much anticipated interview I was told that I couldn't work in a Polk County school unless I went through a year of subbing. This would mean a decrease in pay and no benefits. Needless to say, this is not an option for me. I have put my resume in with another school (and already had an interview with them) and have put my application/resume in with Southeastern. I truly believe that whatever happens, it will be God's will. Beyond those two options I am also looking out of state (closer to my home in Kentucky) for some jobs. I don't know if that is what God has in mind, but I do know that I need to be open to where ever it is that he calls me.

In order to re-evaluate where I am headed in this thing called life I am taking a break from a few distractions (the internet being one of them). For the rest of this month I will not be online. If you need to get in touch with me you can call me (863) 258-6118. You can still leave all of the comments, messages, or anything else that you want...I'm just letting you know that I will not be responding for a few weeks.

I love you guys so much and would really appreciate your prayers. You all mean the world to me and I love you all for being all that you are and for constantly supporting me. If it is God's will for me to move I know that He will allow me to have an impact just as I have had here.

I love you guys!
Jess

I Love Being Me...

We are half way through the year and here are just some of the things I've learned...

When you throw up in front of people...they never forget (or let you).

Fortune cookies are my heroes!

Heroes is the best show ever!

Gilmore Girls ended and so did a little part of me (sad...I know).

I love being a teacher!

I love being me!

There are people who come into your life, and you are better for it.

Tivo is the best invention ever!

I have the best friends I could have ever asked for.

I actually do enjoy being single.

It's wierd when you don't have anyone to have a crush on.

I am the bad one.

I love being the bad one.

Life is pretty fantastic.

I'm happier than I have ever been before in my entire life!

God has a plan for me (I already knew that one!).

I love fruit! I should be a vegetarian again.

I fill out too many surveys...and I mostly do it so that Merri will fill them out.

You can know someone for a month and feel like you've known them forever.

I can't be what everyone else wants me to be...I can only be me.

Friends are like underware (not really...but I just felt like saying that).

Did I mention I love being me...

This year has been amazing so far and I look forward to all of the other amazing things that are going to happen. I don't know why...but I believe that this year is going to change my life.

Five Years

Five years ago today I let the feeling of hopelessness drain the very life force from me. At that moment, I no longer wished to exist. Everything that I had ever been didn't seem to make sense any more. What I wanted more than anything, was to feel nothing. I didn't want to feel sad, or as though I were a disappointment, or alone, never quite good enough for anyone else. I wanted numbness to wash over me, to wash away the pain that had seemed to haunt me for such a long time.

I think I grew tired of carrying around a mask that had become too heavy to bear. Every day I slipped it on, and the people around me saw what they came to believe was the true me...happy, sweet, loving. What they didn't know was that underneath it all I was dying. I hated feeling as though I were just there, merely existing to make others feel good about themselves. Nobody knew that at age twelve I had my first desires for death. I hated who I was. Everything about me made me cringe. I wasn't original. I was a copy of what others expected. As long as I made them happy, then it would be ok...but it wasn't. At age thirteen I vocalized my hatred and people were shocked. They couldn't believe that someone as great as me could not like themself. But, what if the person they knew, wasn't the real me at all.

Five years ago I was tired of trying to figure that out. I wanted to be me, but I didn't even know who that was. I lived so long for others that I didn't know how to live for myself. I remember so well taking that handful of muscle relaxers. I had no idea what I was putting in my body, what I did know was that I wanted it to be the last thing that went in my body.

I guess God had a different plan. Almost six hours after I had ingested the pills, God pumped my stomache. They said that they didn't know why I wasn't dead. And, even though most of the meds came out at my house, I wasn't in the clear. My heart rate was so low, they didn't know if I would make it through the night...and yet...I did.

I don't know why God chose to save me, but he did. And today I LIVE for Him! If you haven't...take some time to check out my page and watch the second video...it would mean a lot to me.

Fortune Cookies...

I will be the first to tell you that I love fortune cookies...not the taste of them...or eating them at all...I love cracking them open and reading what it says inside...Last night I opened several...here are some words of wisdom from my cracked cookies (not to be mistaken for crack cookies)...

1. Modify your thinking to handle new situations.

2. You have a charming way with words.

3. You may lose the small ones but win the big ones.

4. You will find your solution where you least expect it.

5. Someone in your life needs a letter from you.

6. Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you.

I don't know why I wanted to share those with you...but I did...so there they are...

I personally like number three the best...some of you will get that...some of you won't...and that's ok...

I Can Be...

Life can be confusing. We go through our days thinking we know more than we actually do, and when we realize how little we do know we get frustrated trying not to look dumb. We spend way too much time trying to make other people happy, to please them, to make them like us. What would life be like if only we would begin to stand on our own two feet, if we would just be who we are? I get so tired of wearing a mask, trying to be something I'm not. I like who I am, even when others don't. I feel happy that my life is blessed, that I know God and that I have people who love me. It is time to begin living my life constantly with this out look.

The last few weeks have been full of the usual ups and downs. I have gone though a lot and I have cried more than I care to. I think they have been healing tears, but even healing tears can hurt. I want to be happy, and these tears are just stepping stones to get me there. I don't know where this blog is going. My head kinda hurts from the tears. If nothing else, today I have realized that right now is probably not the best time for me to get into a relationship, and any guy I thought I was interested in, is no longer an option. I need to be single right now. I HAVE to be single right now. The other thing I've learned is that I have to grow in who I am. I have to be less so that God can be more.

I guess this is all just me saying what's on my mind...

Oh Yeah

I suck at this being single thing...I go days where everything is perfect and I couldn't be happier being single...and then there are days...like the last few...where I just wish it would happen for me...I wish that every day could be smooth...and that I would realize that I am an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have me and that it's their loss not mine...yadda yadda yadda...

It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...

It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...

I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...

Become All

My dream...that thing I want to accomplish more than anything...finishing my manuscript...ministering to youth...my dream...to live in full time ministry...I just want to live my life walking in the presence of the Lord...I want to give Him my all...and maybe I'm not working hard enough to make these dreams come true...I have distractions...and I let them pull me to the side...I want to live completely in His arms...

I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...

God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...

Fixing the Brokeness

t's hard for me to determine where I'm going and I think that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't really know where I am. You can't truly decipher an equation unless you are given all of the variables needed to solve it. Sometimes I feel as though I am missing a variable, and that this puzzle thing is much more complicated than I imagined. Most days I feel that it would be easier if all of the answers were in the back of the book...to be able to find help in some way...then I remember that I have a Teacher who is trying to teach me the way to solve the problem, and His way is definately not easy...

I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...

That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...

He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...

I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...

Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...

I Am Just Jess

I've never felt bad about my writing...This is the place I go to vent...my haven from the world around me...I write to escape...writing keeps me sane...and it helps me make it through what no one else can...it helps me work through my emotions...

I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...

No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...

Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..