Learning to Breathe

Over the last few weeks I have struggled with everything you can imagine. I have faced fears, broken down and learned to let go. More than anything, though, I have struggled with my future. I wrote this the other day as I thought about all I was going through:

I'm scared of tomorrow,

I'm scared of today,

I'm scared of the future

As it heads my way.

I know it is short and simple, but it makes so much sense. I have been so concerned with where my life was headed. I don't just mean my career choice either. Everything in my life has seemed to be surreal. I have slidden to point that I am struggling to come up for air. I am stuck in a routine, and trying to break out has brought me to my breaking point.

Yesterday I had one of those realization where everything that seemed so unclear finally comes into focus. I now know where my life is headed, and while I don't have all of the details I have a general ideal of what will happen over the next few years. I understand that you must wait upon the Lord, for it is only in His timing that things will be revealed. Today I feel like I can fly, and I have learned to breathe again. My life is headed in the right direction, and that is enough to make anyone's day.

I Was Crazy Once

I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days. My illness has come back in full force and I can no longer contain it. I am scared right now because my mood swings are in a somewhat rapid cycle. My last breakdown was less than 20 days ago.

Yesterday seemed like such a good day. I had fun with Faith and then I just fell. I went to the intramural field to wait for my game and while I knew the people around me, there was no one that I really wanted to talk to. The longer I was there the worse I began to feel. I felt like someone was slowly choking the life out of me. I just didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be around the people either. Please don't misunderstand me. I love the people here, I really do, but I felt like I wanted to scream. I ended up crying there in the middle of the field. Scott told me to go home, and so I walked to the van. Once in the van I could do nothing other than cry. I couldn't even drive I was so shaken.

I sat there wanting nothing more than peace. Peace of mind, peace of spirit. I just wanted to claw my way out of myself. I wanted to be able to get on the other side and figure out what I need to do. Right now, more than anything, I just know that I need to get out of here. My life seems to have stopped, and I hate feeling like that. The next few weeks are vital, and I plan to take them seriously. I don't know where I am going, or where I'll end up, I just know that I need to go out here and make my own path. Crazy or not. I need to leave, and it is going to happen soon than we think.

Shine

Right now I am taking a break from reality. I have taken the last few days and used them for myself. I have slept till noon, and watched tv. I have worked on things that I have let sit for a long time, and I have decided that I need to re-evaluate my priorities. I have been able to sit back and breathe, and it feels good. I recently applied for a new job, and will be actively pursuing a job, because I have decided it is time for me to leave. I hope to have found something by the end of this semester.

I am no longer happy in the place where I am. I need an out, and right now that is my prayer. I cannot stay in Lake Wales, or at Warner any longer. I am not opposed to staying in the state right now, although leaving is an option. Tomorrow I will devote to looking for a job. I am serious about leaving. Getting out of my comfort zone will be hard, but I am willing to do it. I look forward to the challenges ahead.

I will miss everyone, but I know that this is my time. I have to leave. In the end people will look back and realize that I made the right choice. So for today I say good bye. Look for me when the future becomes the present and the light of tomorrow is gone completely, for I will be there in the shadows waiting for my time to shine.

Letting Go

I have always had a hard time learning to let go of things and, being female, I tend to over analyze everything that happens. Over the last few weeks I have been struggling with a problem that seemed bigger than I could handle at the moment. I would lay in bed trying to come up with a solution, and it would drive me insane laying there thinking and thinking. I would let the thoughts sit in my head, toss them up, mix them around, and no matter where they landed I always ended up at the same place I began. This weekend I decided to do something about it.

I walked right up to my problem and said, "We need to talk." A few hours later I sat in my office, literally staring my problem in the face. We ended up talking for almost half an hour. I sat there and poured my heart out, and in the end I sat there and cried. But these tears were not of sadness, they came because I was mad, not just at the problem, but at myself as well. It bothered me that I would let something, or someone make me feel the way I did. In the end I felt much better, and this weekend has been quite stress free. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me, and I can now walk with confidence.

I think the next couple of days will test me, but I believe I will pass with flying colors. I am very excited about my next, and I believe it will be exactly what I need right now. I am looking forward to my days off, and some R&R. It's kinda strange, because I feel like I can breathe better, I sleep better, and now I feel like a million bucks. I hope everyone gets the chance to experience liberation like this. Stay free, and don't be afraid to let go.

Operation Sanity

My life has not been easy, in any sense of the word, over the last few weeks. Last night I had the chance to let go of some of that stress that has been building up and tearing me apart. I had a good time, and it was a nice break from the reality of my everyday. I love the girls that are rushing Camarada, and last night they were cracking me up. It was nice to have a break from stress and just have fun.

The next week or so is "Operation Sanity". Tomorrow I will be attending the wedding of a very good friend of mine. I am excited to see her wedding, because she is such a precious person and deserves all of the happiness that life can afford her. The week that follows has me in the office for a total of two days and then I am off. I am going away, taking a break, escaping for a little while. I am looking forward to this mini break and believe it will give me what I need to get back on track.

Life is never easy, and always difficult, but it's how we handle the difficulties that makes life a little easier. I have this saying that "Life is full of ups and downs, but the choices we make are still our choices", and I still agree with that even now.

Living in the Moment

Do you ever feel like you are planning everything, and never really living in the moment? I feel like I try too hard to do the right thing. I miss what could be a great experience because I am spending more time thinking than actually doing. Over the last few days I have struggled with thoughts and feelings that I prefer to push aside. I would rather not choose what I want and thus avoiding all matter of conversation involving these thoughts and feelings. It seems to work out well for me.

Right now the truth is that I am going through too much to even make a decision about any of this. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to get hurt. I take a step back and look at the situation before me and come to the conclusion that no matter what, someone is going to get hurt. I think this is why I don't make decisions well, I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice, and everything will go wrong. Another reason for this is that I have made too many choices based on what others think, that now that I should have my own opinion I don't fully know how to.

I'm tired of the battle that I have been fighting with myself over the last few weeks. I just want to be, and not have to answer any of the hard questions right now. I want to live and let live, and not try to make life affecting choices. I know that in a few months I will be away from this place and so much of the struggles that I face will no longer be staring me down. Someone said today that it sounds as though I am running away, but the truth is I just long to escape. I'm so ready to get out of here, and I don't think people understand. I love them all, but I think what I need more than anything right now is time and space. My head feels so cluttered, and I just think my life would be easier right now if all I did was come to work and go home. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I know it doesn't make sense, and I promise I'm not depressed, I just need a break.

I have always been everything to everyone, and right now I just need to be everything for me. I've never put myself first, because I believe that a humble heart is so precious and makes me who I am. But right now I am just tired of being there for everyone. I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how else to explain how I feel right now, I just know that I am stugglin'. I go through this cycle a lot and mostly it has to do with my depression, but right now I just think it has to do with me.

Breakdown

Yesterday was one of the top ten worst days of my life. Have you ever had a day when every facet of your personality is revealed? Your good traits shine, and your bad ones rear their ugly heads. Yesterday was that day for me. Some people got to see parts of me that do not often get shown.

Thursdays aren’t too bad because I get to sleep in, somewhat. By the time I actually get to work it is time to go to Chapel, and when that is over lunchtime has already snuck up on me. So Thursdays tend to go by generally fast. And the top of day wasn’t so bad, but as the day progressed and lunch snuck by, my day got progressively worse.

I made one of my best friends cry, I cried, someone else came in my office and cried, I got so stressed out that I thought I was going to puke, and then when I was trying to get home I couldn’t. Seriously it was bad. When Faith came in my office I felt worse than I have in a long time. I had been dreading talking to her all day, and I wanted her to know I loved her, wasn’t getting on to her, but we needed to talk. I thought I was going to die it was so hard. Then I cried when I talked to someone about it later. The other person who came in my office shall remain nameless to protect her, but her tears broke my heart!!! I have only had my heart broke maybe three times in my life, and I will never forget this one. It hurt so badly.

On the way home I couldn’t get there because there was some stupid parade, so I went down another street and it was blocked because they were cleaning debris. A normally 7 minute trip home ended up being 20 minutes. I wanted to cry.
There were good parts. I got to see Jimmy and that always makes me happy. Kristi and Aundrea are always a pleasure to see, and Ricky sang to me. I had a pretty good time, but I did have a small breakdown amongst it all. I cried so hard. Anyways, that was the pain of my day yesterday and I hope I don’t have one like it again, at least for a very long time.

A Simple Plan

Last night I was driving home. I had a million things running through my head and all I wanted was a solution to each one of my problems. I was turning the channels on the radio and landed on a station that was playing the song "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan and the lyrics were amazing.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna runaway?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio on turned up so loud

But no one hears you screaming

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desparate to find something more?

Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and their stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

I heard this and thought, oh I have found my theme song. I think we all feel a little like this sometimes. I can't help but feel that way most of the time. Especialy the second verse. I think this song about sums it all up.

Last night I was mad at myself again. Have you ever had a choice, and while one would provide instant gratification, it would most likely fade away, while the other might take longer, but it might also last longer? I think that I know what I want right now, but I am not sure that it is what I need. I keep falling into this pit and I wonder if I will ever get out. I try, trust me, I try. I think that I have finally nailed it, given it a solution, and just when I think the problem has been fixed, I lose all control over the situation. I guess someday I will figure it out.

I suppose that we all have these problems in our lives. The ones where the answer should be so simple, and yet it is so difficult to find. I suppose that it will all work and so I go and leave you to ponder.

Standing Still

This weekend I went and saw First Daughter and there was a line in there that struck a cord in me. She said, "Do you know what it is like to never be alone, and always feel lonely?" I think that is so profound and prevelant. I mean, think about it. We walk around in this world surrounded by people, but how many of them are actually are friends? How many of them actually care? This weekend I realized that I have become exactly what I've never wanted to be...a silly girl.

I was pursuing something I did not want and when I realized what I was doing I was competly angry with myself. I felt so stupid. I went to a volleyball game on Friday night (Go Royals!), and on the way home I sat in the back seat and felt like crying. I have never been the girl that people talk about behind her back, but on Friday night I have never felt so small. I thought to myself that my biggest problem is that I need to be around people that aren't from Warner. My life is Warner, and when I am not at Warner, I have nothing. I know this is not true, but right now I feel like it is the absolute truth.

The weekend did get progressively better. On Saturday I cleaned the apartment. I mean I really cleaned it. I swept, mopped, dusted, vaccumed, and even cleaned the toilet. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. After that I went shopping for food, ate dinner, took a shower and then Faith picked me up and we went to the movies. I loved that movie, and whoever that hottie was I wouldn't mind getting paid to kiss him. I laughed and cried (again, a silly girl). I had fun.

Sunday I went to church. I love my church. I feel at home there, and our pastor is such a good man. I love his kids too. Candace is adorable, and the two boys, what cuties. I got home and made lunch, and then I watched Walking Tall. It was pretty good. Then I went for a walk. I walked for an hour and it felt so good. It helped me clear my head and made me feel so much better.

I guess in the end I realized that life is just beginning, and there is no reason to stand still any longer. I refuse to let people push me around, and I refuse to let the things that surround me bring me down.

Living the Journey

" 'T were better not to breathe or speak,

Than cry for strength, remaining weak,

And seem to find, but still to seek."

-Tennyson

I was reading a book of poetry last night and ran across this stanza. I now have it commited to memory. Something in the words jumps out at me and I feel as though the mysterious voice somehow sees into my soul. I often times want to be stronger, want to be able to face the world with some sense of certainty, and even when I feel that I am, somehow I still want the strength to go on.

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

-Alexander Pope

Last night I also saw, for the first time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I think that is my new favorite movie. I was describing it to my mom this morning, and she said it sounded deep. The movie was beyond that. I laughed and cried, Kirsten Dunst did an amazing job, as well Jim Carry and Kate Winslet. Oh my goodness, it was amazing. I mean it makes you aware that we have to have the bad memories too. I loved this movie!

Have you ever heard the song, "I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney? I heard that last night and I thought how true it is. I mean, when I hear "Chatahoochee" I think of the softball tournaments, when I hear that song from Armegeddon I think of my first boyfriend, and when I hear Amy Grant songs I think of summer's spent with my friend Amanda. I love looking back at things and remembering how it used to be, but I am thankful that today is here and tomorrow will come, and life goes on. Life is a journey, and mine has just begun.

Overwhelmed, Underwhelmed, Whelmed

The subject of this entry was inspired by a movie. If you guess correctly you get…a smile, because that is the only thing I can afford. Anyways, I feel as though I am overwhelmed with the amount of things I could talk about right now. I have had so much going on in my life as of late and so I share with you the last couple days of my life.

Yesterday I went to Subway and was amazed at how the three words you hear the most are Jeanne, Francis and Charley. Everywhere I went people were talking about the damage, or the effects, and it just seems crazy to me. We are in the middle of history and, in my sister’s words, “haven’t we seen enough history?”

This weekend was like most others we have had in the last six weeks. Preparing for a hurricane was on the forefront of everyone’s mind. I was most concerned about my friends at Warner and those stuck out in Avon Park. I think I was most relieved when I heard that everyone was ok. Forget the power! Confession: I was happy when mine came on.

Beyond that I am having a moral dilemma. You see, I have been entertaining horrible thoughts. I know what you must be thinking, Jessica, bad thoughts, never, but it is true. I don’t think I will actually tell you the thoughts because that might leave me somewhat vulnerable. Instead I will leave you guessing what it is that my head holds.
The last few days have been amazing because I have been with friends. Faith, I swear I still couldn’t ask for a better friend. She is so sweet, and anyone who makes her cry needs a good, strong kick in the *beep*. Ok, enough of that rant. Tonight Abs and I are going out on the town, watch out Lake Wales! To the rest of you I say, goodbye!

Call Me Sage

It is only the first week of classes and already my office turns into a counseling session. I don't understand what it is about me that drawls people in. People who barely know me will come into my office and tell me their secrets. It is almost as if I have put them under a spell. Please do not misunderstand. I love that people trust me, but sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming. I know so much about so many people, sometimes without them saying a word. I have been given a gift that often times doubles as a curse. I can read people just as easily as I can read a book.

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong.

Alas, I am the one with the sage advice. I listen and I hear. Often I see outside of myself and am able to understand the situation better than the people who are in it. I get scared sometimes when I realize how easy it is for me to understand. My empathy is running short though and I feel like a week away will be good for me. I will miss the constant flow of students who come and talk to me, but it is what I need right now.

Faithful Friends

The last few days have been full of stressful and fun experiences. I look at my life and realize that I have a good one. I have missed my friends so much. Abby and Faith are the best friends a girl could ask for. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without them. Granted, they are almost as different as night and day. Abby is my touch of rebellion. She's not bad, but she isn't afraid of helping me cut loose once in a while. Faith, well she tends to keep me accountable. I don't think I would ever do anything that I wouldn't be comfortable telling her about later. She is my angel. I don't tell these two enough how much they mean to me.

I have known Abby for five years now. From her Freshman year of Sunburns, to her summer in Utah. She makes me laugh when I feel like crying and she has been there through so much of my college experience with me. I love the fact that she sees through my mask. She has been the friend that I have needed so many times. She helps me face the world with an up yours outlook. (Don't be offended, it's a good thing)

Now Faith, she probably blushed when she read that last sentence. She keeps me innocent. I always tell people that I get Faith better than a lot of people do, but the truth is, she gets me better than anyone else. The thought of not having her in my life is torture and so I do not think about it, instead I think of all of the memories we will make this year.

When things happen to me I always think of these two, and all I want to do is share with them. They give me their honest opinion, and in a world where that comes few and far between I am blessed to have two such people in my life. Never forget how much I love you guys!

A friend is like a star in the sky, when you lose your way they will lead you back home.

DisOrientation of the Mind

Finally school is starting, and the buzz in the hallways is music to my ears. I have missed the constant sound of students passing through the lobbies, and loitering in the office. Of course today I hear complaints that the guys are not happy with the dorms, and I wonder what is so bad. I have seen them, and despite the lack of air they weren't that bad. I would live there. Girls could not handle the no air conditioning thing, but they would be ok with the size. I would be ok with it. Of course I've lived in a room smaller than that before. I guess the thing is I am complaining about the complaining. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

Yesterday there was a small group of guys in the office complaining. One guy in particular wouldn't shut up, and for every positive thing I said he would say a negative. I got so sick of it and before I blew up I went into my office and shut the door. After contemplating what would be the proper thing to say, I went back out and told him that we have to be positive in our office, and if he was going to be negative he needed to leave. I went into my office shaking, and in tears. It was not the most fun I've ever had.

I know this is somewhat short for my endless rants, but the office is crazy and I must go.

Distorted Mirror

I went with my mom to Wendy's the other day and as I stood in line, my thoughts drifted from the #1's, 2's, and 3's to the salad options on the board. Now everyone knows which of these would be the better choice, and while I knew that a salad would not end in the guilt of wishing I had chosen the salad, all I could think of was how good a burger would taste. Of course I chose the burger, and the guilt.

When I eat, it is as if I haven't eaten in days and there is no chance I will be eating again any time soon. I have a tendency of engulfing my food, like a vacuum cleaner sucking in every last particle. The thing is I want to hit the off button, but it's like I don't know how. That day I saw a woman coming into Wendy's. She was one of those people you can't help but stare at, and yet you don't want to look. The fat on her arms and legs hung over her joints and the dimpled effect of her skin reminded me of cottage cheese. I saw her and was gripped with the fear that I would end up like her if I didn't change, so I stopped eating my burger.

I don't want to be unhappy with who I am. I also have no desire of looking like the stick figures they call models. I just want to be healthy. I started keeping a journal today of what I eat and how I want to change. I think it interesting the cycles I go through. They say it has to be a mental change, and so my mantra becomes "I must accept myself". I want to look in the mirror and see something I like, not the view of a fun house mirror with all its distortions. I am who I am, that much is true.

Unrequited Love

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? I think it is almost the worse feeling in the world. There was this one guy who I loved deeply, and would even say I still love, but I always knew that I would never be what he wanted. I don't think that he would have wanted me even if I had changed. I loved him so much, that it brought me to tears. He was the kind of guy that everyone looks at with admiration. He was cute, smart, funny and so down to earth. Girls would make me laugh because they acted as though he was famous, and the very sound of his voice aimed in their direction would send them into hysterics. I never had to act that way though, because he was my best friend. We would sit and talk for hours about nothing and everything and I always said that if he asked me to marry him I would say yes in a heartbeat. He was everything that I wanted.

I still love this guy even though I know we will never be together. I have had few romantic relationships in my life, and I can't honestly say I was ever in love with any of them, but this one, I will love forever. These days I tend to play for the singles. I think it best that I avoid relationships of the romantic nature, due to the uncertainty of my future and where I want to go. I don't need to try and make myself feel whole by having a man in my life. Instead I formulate these crushes that take all of my attention. I seem to think that I must always be looking for that guy, the one. I don't feel the need to have a relationship right now, but I always seem to be searching. It is an endless cycle.

Take for instance my most recent "crush". This guy is absolutely adorable. He is sweet, so funny and he's cute. I try to come up with reasons to see him, and I get excited when he stops by my office to talk to me. I feel like I'm in Middle School, and I wonder if my home education is the reason for this. I seem to have no idea how to act when I am interested in a guy. I have no problem flirting with the guys I don't like, but when I get around a guy that I am somewhat interested in it's like I lose control of all mental abilities. Why is it that we do this? Are we programmed for self-destruction?
I suppose it is a question for contemplation.

Sigh of Relief

As we look off to the west we seem to take a deep sigh of relief. Ivan is going to pass us by. While I would not wish him on anyone, I am glad that he has taken aim somewhere other than central Florida. I no longer feel the stress that gripped every inch of my being, but I do pray for those who reside in the Panhandle of Florida. It seems that this Hurricane Season has decided to hit the state in all areas. Everywhere you look there is destruction and people are fleeing the state hoping to escape the blast of another storm.

My life is now slowly getting back to what we refer to as normal. School begins in one week, and new students will be arriving on Thursday. It has been a long summer, made longer by the storms that swept through the state. I am looking forward to the sound of students in the lobby. As classes let out the office fills with the sound of exuberant students making their way to converse with other students. I love that sound, so much that I would even say it is one of my favorites.

Today this is all I have. Once my life seems to be back in routine I will have more to say, and will update you on the happenings of my existence. Never stop trying to reach for your dreams, even when the things around you seem to make you cry.

One More Time

I returned from Kentucky on Tuesday. Frances did little damage to our already damaged town. Yet, as you look around you seem to wonder, was that tree down before? Had that building been damaged the first time? You see a different skyline with fewer trees, and more water. With everyday of rain we see more flooding, and you can't help but hold your breath as you see Ivan quickly approaching.

Evacuations have already begun in Florida, but this time I will stay put. Ivan is a threat, but one I must face. It has been an experience that I will never forget. Everyday we turn on the news and everyday they seem to say the same thing, Ivan WILL hit Florida. The Weather Channel has been the only constant in our lives over the last two weeks, but even they have become monotonous.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I wake up and watch the news, I get to work and I check the path, I go to bed with the sound of Steve Jerve (weather forecaster extraordinaire) in my head. Everyday I wish it were here and gone. That's what kills you. You wait and that is all you can do. I work at a college and they tell us today that we can't talk about the storm and to me it seems as though it would cause more stress than anything else. We haven't started school because of Charley, and if Ivan comes...well I don't even want to think about it.

And so again, I wonder, will we make it through this time?

Killing Me Slowly

Have you ever felt as though you were walking outside of yourself? All around you things are happening, and yet you feel more like you are watching it rather than living it. The last few weeks have been surreal to say the least. Three weeks ago I curled into a ball in the innermost room of the house. Outside you could hear the wind and feel it move the house as winds of 75+ mph blew around us. I thought that it would never end, and when it did we couldn't leave our home. The night sky had fallen as the storm took our community and turned it inside out. We slept that night in the humidity of Florida, with no power, and no idea of what had happened to our town.

As the morning light gently woke us from our sleep, you could already hear the town surveying the damage that Charley had ravaged upon us. People crowded the streets to see what was left, and what was no more. My family was blessed to have only debris covering our yard. We could not get out of our drive because trees had fallen on either side, blocking our cars in, but none had been hit. We could barely walk through the yard from the hundreds of limbs that had fallen to the ground. But it was in this time that humanity gathered together.

I was amazed when neighbors who had never met one another began to check on the people who lived around them. "Are you ok?" was the common phrase used on that day. And throughout that week we learned what community meant. As men and women worked together to restore homes and businesses, life began to go back to what was once considered normal.

Right now we wait as Frances looms over the state of Florida. I wonder what she will do. Will she destroy our town and all that we have worked to restore? Will she take our lives into the less normal once again? I'm not sure what will happen. I am sitting in the safest place right now, Kentucky! I was one of the many who left in the mass exodus of millions of people. This storm is once again the foremost thing in our lives.