Life can be confusing. We go through our days thinking we know more than we actually do, and when we realize how little we do know we get frustrated trying not to look dumb. We spend way too much time trying to make other people happy, to please them, to make them like us. What would life be like if only we would begin to stand on our own two feet, if we would just be who we are? I get so tired of wearing a mask, trying to be something I'm not. I like who I am, even when others don't. I feel happy that my life is blessed, that I know God and that I have people who love me. It is time to begin living my life constantly with this out look.
The last few weeks have been full of the usual ups and downs. I have gone though a lot and I have cried more than I care to. I think they have been healing tears, but even healing tears can hurt. I want to be happy, and these tears are just stepping stones to get me there. I don't know where this blog is going. My head kinda hurts from the tears. If nothing else, today I have realized that right now is probably not the best time for me to get into a relationship, and any guy I thought I was interested in, is no longer an option. I need to be single right now. I HAVE to be single right now. The other thing I've learned is that I have to grow in who I am. I have to be less so that God can be more.
I guess this is all just me saying what's on my mind...
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Oh Yeah
I suck at this being single thing...I go days where everything is perfect and I couldn't be happier being single...and then there are days...like the last few...where I just wish it would happen for me...I wish that every day could be smooth...and that I would realize that I am an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have me and that it's their loss not mine...yadda yadda yadda...
It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...
It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...
I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...
It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...
It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...
I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...
Friday, April 06, 2007
Become All
My dream...that thing I want to accomplish more than anything...finishing my manuscript...ministering to youth...my dream...to live in full time ministry...I just want to live my life walking in the presence of the Lord...I want to give Him my all...and maybe I'm not working hard enough to make these dreams come true...I have distractions...and I let them pull me to the side...I want to live completely in His arms...
I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...
God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...
I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...
God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Fixing the Brokeness
t's hard for me to determine where I'm going and I think that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't really know where I am. You can't truly decipher an equation unless you are given all of the variables needed to solve it. Sometimes I feel as though I am missing a variable, and that this puzzle thing is much more complicated than I imagined. Most days I feel that it would be easier if all of the answers were in the back of the book...to be able to find help in some way...then I remember that I have a Teacher who is trying to teach me the way to solve the problem, and His way is definately not easy...
I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...
That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...
He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...
I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...
Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...
I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...
That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...
He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...
I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...
Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...
Friday, March 02, 2007
I Am Just Jess
I've never felt bad about my writing...This is the place I go to vent...my haven from the world around me...I write to escape...writing keeps me sane...and it helps me make it through what no one else can...it helps me work through my emotions...
I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...
I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...
No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...
Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..
I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...
I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...
No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...
Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I'm Just Happy...
It is no secret that I have a permanent seat on an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs on this ride seem to be coming more rapidly than usual. Recently I feel as though every time I turn around I am being put down in some way. I am constantly feeling attacked, as though everything I do is wrong. It has been slowly destroying every part of me, yet, I mostly smile and bear it. And when I don't smile and bear it, then there is something wrong with me.
Even though this has been my battle over the last two months, I am learning that I have a choice. A good friend told me that yesterday. He said, you have the choice, and it made me realize that I do. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to let people's belittlement tear me apart. I know how God feels about me...and that's all that matters. I am a child of the Almightly and everything that I am is what He is making me. If other people don't like it, well...they can get over it. I am tired of living for everyone else. I am only interested in what God has for me right now!
There are a couple of people I could not get through this without...Amanda...you are always there for me...ALWAYS...you are the best friend that I could ever ask for. I love you so very much. Shawn...thank you...for always reminding me that I am WAY too emotional...and that I have the choice to be happy...I thank God you are in my life...Taylor...You make me laugh...and even though your advice is full of holes...I love you for all that you are...Jeff...if it weren't for you...well...I don't know what I would do...I am going to get through this...I know it...
I am just happy...because that's how I choose to be...
Even though this has been my battle over the last two months, I am learning that I have a choice. A good friend told me that yesterday. He said, you have the choice, and it made me realize that I do. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to let people's belittlement tear me apart. I know how God feels about me...and that's all that matters. I am a child of the Almightly and everything that I am is what He is making me. If other people don't like it, well...they can get over it. I am tired of living for everyone else. I am only interested in what God has for me right now!
There are a couple of people I could not get through this without...Amanda...you are always there for me...ALWAYS...you are the best friend that I could ever ask for. I love you so very much. Shawn...thank you...for always reminding me that I am WAY too emotional...and that I have the choice to be happy...I thank God you are in my life...Taylor...You make me laugh...and even though your advice is full of holes...I love you for all that you are...Jeff...if it weren't for you...well...I don't know what I would do...I am going to get through this...I know it...
I am just happy...because that's how I choose to be...
Friday, January 26, 2007
I'm SO in Love
I'm in love...I'm in love in a way that takes my breath away...everytime I think of the object of my desire...I can't help but be swept away...He has stolen my heart...and he has captured all of me...I feel as though it is ok to be myself for the first time in a very long time...he has this way of making me feel at ease...not only in his presence...but he has given me a new confidence in myself...when I am alone I can't help but think of him...when I am with others...he's all I talk about...He has become the center of all I do...
Isn't it funny how someone can be right there...and all the while we know they are amazing...and that they could be even more amazing if we would just let them in...If we would just let them become a part of our lives...I have opened my heart...I have opened my life...and now...He has complete control...
I am so in love with Him...He has given me everything...and more than I deserve...He is all that I need...yet we have gone back in forth in this dance of life...but now I am ready to surrender...He is my All in All...He is my everthing...
Lord,
I give you everything...all that I am. I am so in love with you. You made me, fearfully and wonderfully...I can't imagine life without you in the driver's seat...you are everything that I need and you are more than I could ever ask for...I have spent too much time away from you...and now...here I am...ready to give you everything...I love you and no longer want control...
Amen
I guess...I'm just so in love...I wanted to let you know...let you know...that life is now even more amazing...God is good...and I can't imagine life without Him...
Isn't it funny how someone can be right there...and all the while we know they are amazing...and that they could be even more amazing if we would just let them in...If we would just let them become a part of our lives...I have opened my heart...I have opened my life...and now...He has complete control...
I am so in love with Him...He has given me everything...and more than I deserve...He is all that I need...yet we have gone back in forth in this dance of life...but now I am ready to surrender...He is my All in All...He is my everthing...
Lord,
I give you everything...all that I am. I am so in love with you. You made me, fearfully and wonderfully...I can't imagine life without you in the driver's seat...you are everything that I need and you are more than I could ever ask for...I have spent too much time away from you...and now...here I am...ready to give you everything...I love you and no longer want control...
Amen
I guess...I'm just so in love...I wanted to let you know...let you know...that life is now even more amazing...God is good...and I can't imagine life without Him...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I'm Ready To Go...
There are days when we wake up and we know that things are going to be different...Something around us has changed...we don't quite know how to explain it...we just know that something has happened...
I want to live with purpose...I want to live with something important in mind...I want to live as though I have a destiny...something greater that I'm meant to accomplish...I want to live my life one day at a time...and I want to conquer every day with clarity and vision...I want to make a difference...I want to change something or someone...I want to do SOMETHING...ANYTHING!!!
God has placed a passion in my heart...and I know that there is destiny in front of me...I just think that I am too scared to reach out and grab a hold of what is out there for me...I want to be braver...to be stronger...to be sure of myself...to be sure of me...to be sure of God...I don't want to doubt any longer the things that I feel so strongly I am meant to accomplish...but I am scared...I cannot lie...I will not lie...I know that I am meant for something great...something amazing...
God...grant me the patience to see this through...teach me to lean not on my own understanding...but to hand it all over to you...for you alone hold my future...you alone create my path...lead me and guide me...
Ready or not...here I go...
I want to live with purpose...I want to live with something important in mind...I want to live as though I have a destiny...something greater that I'm meant to accomplish...I want to live my life one day at a time...and I want to conquer every day with clarity and vision...I want to make a difference...I want to change something or someone...I want to do SOMETHING...ANYTHING!!!
God has placed a passion in my heart...and I know that there is destiny in front of me...I just think that I am too scared to reach out and grab a hold of what is out there for me...I want to be braver...to be stronger...to be sure of myself...to be sure of me...to be sure of God...I don't want to doubt any longer the things that I feel so strongly I am meant to accomplish...but I am scared...I cannot lie...I will not lie...I know that I am meant for something great...something amazing...
God...grant me the patience to see this through...teach me to lean not on my own understanding...but to hand it all over to you...for you alone hold my future...you alone create my path...lead me and guide me...
Ready or not...here I go...
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Going to the Chapel...and I'm NOT Getting Married
So today I went wedding dress shopping with my sister...It was the second time I have been through it although this time was definately on a different level...I was talking to her tonight...and I told her it's a little hard for me that she is getting married before me..then I said...no...it's REALLY hard that you are getting married before me...but I know that God has something else for me right now...
I am going to be in four weddings this year...three of them I call my best friends...the other is a close gal pal whom I love dearly...I am so excited for each of them...and I know that when my day comes they will be excited for me as well...
You know...I don't want to be married...I just think it might be nice to have someone around...don't get me wrong...I don't NEED anyone right now...and God and I are on good terms about this whole me being single thing...but it's days like today where I have to pray that God grants me a supernatural patience...I want to wait on HIM...because He knows so much better than I do what I need and when I need it...
I found this from my other blog and I think it kind of applies to what I am feeling today...
If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.
I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.
I guess I just have to hold on...so that's what I am going to do...hold on for dear life...
I am going to be in four weddings this year...three of them I call my best friends...the other is a close gal pal whom I love dearly...I am so excited for each of them...and I know that when my day comes they will be excited for me as well...
You know...I don't want to be married...I just think it might be nice to have someone around...don't get me wrong...I don't NEED anyone right now...and God and I are on good terms about this whole me being single thing...but it's days like today where I have to pray that God grants me a supernatural patience...I want to wait on HIM...because He knows so much better than I do what I need and when I need it...
I found this from my other blog and I think it kind of applies to what I am feeling today...
If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.
I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.
I guess I just have to hold on...so that's what I am going to do...hold on for dear life...
Monday, December 25, 2006
Love Was Kept From Me Like a Secret
This song was played to me by a very dear friend...I think that the love that I seek right now is the love of God...He has done so much for me this year...He has taken me SO far and taught me so much. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am truly happy with my life...no matter what I may go through...I make it through...God brings me through...I am going to start today...making it all about Him...I am no longer my own...but I was bought for a price...He wasn't just born...He died...He sacrificed himself for me...and if I can't do that for Him then I have learned nothing in my life...
I love God so much...He is so amazing and I am so blessed...
To all of my friends...I just want to say thank you for the love that you have given to me...I am so blessed...blessed beyond measure...I refuse to complain any longer...I choose to be happy...
Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again
chorus
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you
The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah
chorus
The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah
chorus
until you until you until you
I love God so much...He is so amazing and I am so blessed...
To all of my friends...I just want to say thank you for the love that you have given to me...I am so blessed...blessed beyond measure...I refuse to complain any longer...I choose to be happy...
Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again
chorus
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you
The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah
chorus
The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah
chorus
until you until you until you
Sunday, December 24, 2006
I Want to Love Me
I glance into the mirror and I see all of the things that I don't like about myself...My nose is too big...I need to lose weight...I think my eyes might be crooked...I hate that gap in my teeth...My ears are SO big...My hair is so frizzy...
And then I stop...I love the way my nose has that little bunny rabbit effect...I love the color of my eyes...I love when I laugh...even though I lose my eyes...It reminds me that I'm happy...that I am ejoying life...I love my ears...and how I am great at listening to what people have to say...
If I take a deeper look...I love what I see even more...I love the fact that I love with all that I am...How I always only have to learn a lesson once for it to stick...that I try not to be judgemental and that I love give of myself...I am a pretty selfless person...I want to teach others how amazing their lives are...they have no idea what they have been given...
As much as I tend to get down on myself...I'm a pretty amazing person...I think I might even be kinda cute...haha...but seriously...I love who I am...I love that I can make people laugh...I think it might be my job...I love that God created me so differently than other people...I am glad that I am not like other people...I love that I am unique...and I know that God is ready to do something amazing...
I love me...at least...I'm learning to love me...and I want to love me...
And then I stop...I love the way my nose has that little bunny rabbit effect...I love the color of my eyes...I love when I laugh...even though I lose my eyes...It reminds me that I'm happy...that I am ejoying life...I love my ears...and how I am great at listening to what people have to say...
If I take a deeper look...I love what I see even more...I love the fact that I love with all that I am...How I always only have to learn a lesson once for it to stick...that I try not to be judgemental and that I love give of myself...I am a pretty selfless person...I want to teach others how amazing their lives are...they have no idea what they have been given...
As much as I tend to get down on myself...I'm a pretty amazing person...I think I might even be kinda cute...haha...but seriously...I love who I am...I love that I can make people laugh...I think it might be my job...I love that God created me so differently than other people...I am glad that I am not like other people...I love that I am unique...and I know that God is ready to do something amazing...
I love me...at least...I'm learning to love me...and I want to love me...
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Girls Are of the Devil and Those That Aren't Are Bipolar
Now that I have bashed on the opposite sex I feel as though it is only my duty to reveal the fact that females are just as much to blame...LADIES: STOP PLAYING GAMES!!! If you don't like a guy...stop flirting with him...if you aren't sure...back off...make sure...then either pursue it...or STOP!!!
GRRR!!!
You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!
If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...
GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Ok...I think I am done with my second ranting of the night...
It will all be over soon...
grrr...
GRRR!!!
You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!
If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...
GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Ok...I think I am done with my second ranting of the night...
It will all be over soon...
grrr...
Boys Are Stupid Throw Rocks At Them
So this is what I decided...just now...guys are idiots...the first guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend and then started dating me...I didn't realize that if he did that to her then there was a good chance that if something better came along then he would leave me in a heartbeat...I remember when he broke my heart...I thought it was the end of the world...I look back now and realize it was only a bump in the road...He used me...we used each other...and in the end I got hurt...because he didn't have the nerve to tell me the truth...GUYS: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!! If you don't like her...and you think she's into you...don't lead her on...just tell the poor girl...she'll get over it...I promise...If you don't want to be with her anymore...tell her...she can find someone better...I swear...
Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if I think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if your not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...
GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...
GRRRRR!!!!!
And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...
GRRR!!!
I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...
Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if I think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if your not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...
GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...
GRRRRR!!!!!
And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...
GRRR!!!
I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...
Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
This is What It's All About
It has taken me several years to get to the place I am now...Where I actually enjoy who I am...where I am going...what I am doing...I remember when I was a child...My faith was so strong...I believed (and still do) that God was my everything...and that my purpose in life is to live like Christ...I was such a little warrior...such a vessel...always fighting the good fight...I wanted nothing more than to give everything to God...and never hold back...He was my everything...my all in all...
As I grew up I maintained this mind frame...always giving of everything I had...everything I was...I was a prayer warrior...and fighter...I enjoyed nothing more than allowing myself to soak in the presence of God...One of the most amazing times was when I was in high school and I literally felt as though I were in the river of God...it was so amazing to feel as though the water of God were rushing around me...and then there was the time I saw the angel...That was amazing...you might think I'm crazy...and maybe I am...but I truly believe that I was allowed to see the supernatural at work...to watch as a prayer warrior in the heavenlies prayed with me in my earthly form...God was with me then...He's still with me now...and I know that He is longing for a deeper walk with me...that He wants to take me to a new place...and I am looking foward to it...
When I was 20 years old I made a bold...no...stupid...mistake...I put 10 pills in my hand and I placed them in my mouth...I swallowed them as though they were the pain that I could never seem to get rid of...as though they were the years of failure that I couldn't seem to shake...I took them and I hoped that I would die...I prayed for death...I prayed that I would go to sleep and never wake up...God had other plans...He woke me up...He pumped my stomach...He wasn't done with me yet...
I look back on that time and I know that God must have kept me around for a reason...I know that He has to have something big in store for me...and I know that the enemy isn't ready and willing to just let me do it....Recently the biggest distraction has been this whole relationship thing...I want to be in that relationship so bad...and I keep feeling as though evey year is going to be the year...maybe this next year I will go into things thinking that this is NOT going to be the year...that it is not at all what God has for me...and maybe when that is the case it won't be so hard when it comes to the end of next year...I am really actually liking that idea...WOW!
I am so excited to see what all lies ahead of me...what all is coming up...God is doing something amazing...be a part of it...don't let the things around distract you...God is ready...are you...???
IT BEGINS!!!
As I grew up I maintained this mind frame...always giving of everything I had...everything I was...I was a prayer warrior...and fighter...I enjoyed nothing more than allowing myself to soak in the presence of God...One of the most amazing times was when I was in high school and I literally felt as though I were in the river of God...it was so amazing to feel as though the water of God were rushing around me...and then there was the time I saw the angel...That was amazing...you might think I'm crazy...and maybe I am...but I truly believe that I was allowed to see the supernatural at work...to watch as a prayer warrior in the heavenlies prayed with me in my earthly form...God was with me then...He's still with me now...and I know that He is longing for a deeper walk with me...that He wants to take me to a new place...and I am looking foward to it...
When I was 20 years old I made a bold...no...stupid...mistake...I put 10 pills in my hand and I placed them in my mouth...I swallowed them as though they were the pain that I could never seem to get rid of...as though they were the years of failure that I couldn't seem to shake...I took them and I hoped that I would die...I prayed for death...I prayed that I would go to sleep and never wake up...God had other plans...He woke me up...He pumped my stomach...He wasn't done with me yet...
I look back on that time and I know that God must have kept me around for a reason...I know that He has to have something big in store for me...and I know that the enemy isn't ready and willing to just let me do it....Recently the biggest distraction has been this whole relationship thing...I want to be in that relationship so bad...and I keep feeling as though evey year is going to be the year...maybe this next year I will go into things thinking that this is NOT going to be the year...that it is not at all what God has for me...and maybe when that is the case it won't be so hard when it comes to the end of next year...I am really actually liking that idea...WOW!
I am so excited to see what all lies ahead of me...what all is coming up...God is doing something amazing...be a part of it...don't let the things around distract you...God is ready...are you...???
IT BEGINS!!!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Going For It
This week has been CRAZY! Life in general has been that way for me for quite some time. I don't know...for some reason I feel as though I just can't get a grasp on what I am supposed to be doing right now...I want to accomplish all that God has for me...and yet I feel as though I am at a standstill...where nothing is as important as it should be...I don't know why I am just having a such a hard time with this...but for some reason I don't feel as though I am doing enough...
God has called me to be differnt...set me apart...I don't know why...but he doesn't have the same plan for me as he does for most...I think maybe it is time I start going hard after what God wants me to do...that I need to drop everything that is holding me back...this crazy internet...movies...television...and even my desires for a relationship...all of these things I believe are keeping me from accomplishing the will of God...I think I need to take a break...take everything that I have held up...needs to be broken...I need to be broken...I need to let God take all that I am...everything that I am...
I am tired of living my own life...I want to give it all to God...to forget the world...and live seperately...I have always been different...the one that was there...not really fitting in...but always being loved...I just think it's time for me to take this all seriously...it's time for me to stop worrying and start living...I am excited for what God has in store for me...and if He chooses to send along an amazing man...that would be cool...but if He doesn't...I think I'm finally ok with that...
God has called me to be differnt...set me apart...I don't know why...but he doesn't have the same plan for me as he does for most...I think maybe it is time I start going hard after what God wants me to do...that I need to drop everything that is holding me back...this crazy internet...movies...television...and even my desires for a relationship...all of these things I believe are keeping me from accomplishing the will of God...I think I need to take a break...take everything that I have held up...needs to be broken...I need to be broken...I need to let God take all that I am...everything that I am...
I am tired of living my own life...I want to give it all to God...to forget the world...and live seperately...I have always been different...the one that was there...not really fitting in...but always being loved...I just think it's time for me to take this all seriously...it's time for me to stop worrying and start living...I am excited for what God has in store for me...and if He chooses to send along an amazing man...that would be cool...but if He doesn't...I think I'm finally ok with that...
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Hold On...
This weekend has been an amazing ride...I think everyone who has been with me would agree that it has been long and full of ups and downs...but every moment has been worth it...I have gained friends and made stronger bonds with those I already knew...My life will be different after this event and I know it...It has been AMAZING! I pray that it has had a lasting impact on those who saw it and those who were involved...
Now...because this is a topic I so frequently visit...Yesterday I was talking to Terry G about the whole relationship thing...and how I am completely fine with where I am...I know God is going to bring me an amazing man...I don't have to worry about anything and that is one of the best things in the world...but...(don't you just love the buts?) with my sister's future wedding looming...I can't help but think about things like that...and then I had a revelation...the whole...Megan getting married before me...kinda mirrors the whole dog vs. cat thing...I'm not going to go into detail about that...because it's not necessary...but it kind of opened my eyes to why I am having such a hard time with it...why this nagging feeling has continued to gnaw at me...Terry G...thanks for being so amazing...for listening to me...I love you!
Let's see...besides that...there is always guy confusion...grrr...I hate boys...they are so dumb...That's all I am going to say about that...
My life is a treasure that has been given to me...and I am blessed to be so loved...This weekend has been a great ride...and I can't wait to see what all God has for the rest of this year...and the one to come...
Now...because this is a topic I so frequently visit...Yesterday I was talking to Terry G about the whole relationship thing...and how I am completely fine with where I am...I know God is going to bring me an amazing man...I don't have to worry about anything and that is one of the best things in the world...but...(don't you just love the buts?) with my sister's future wedding looming...I can't help but think about things like that...and then I had a revelation...the whole...Megan getting married before me...kinda mirrors the whole dog vs. cat thing...I'm not going to go into detail about that...because it's not necessary...but it kind of opened my eyes to why I am having such a hard time with it...why this nagging feeling has continued to gnaw at me...Terry G...thanks for being so amazing...for listening to me...I love you!
Let's see...besides that...there is always guy confusion...grrr...I hate boys...they are so dumb...That's all I am going to say about that...
My life is a treasure that has been given to me...and I am blessed to be so loved...This weekend has been a great ride...and I can't wait to see what all God has for the rest of this year...and the one to come...
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Serendipity
A turn of events...something happens and you realize that everything is going to turn out ok...you are going to be ok...life is going to give you another chance...another chance to live each day to the fullest...to give each person another chance...to love with everything that you are...
I never want to be the person who doesn't look at the best in everyone I see...maybe that makes me naive...maybe that makes me foolish...but I'm ok with that...I love who I am and I refuse to apologize for me...I might be crazy...and most people don't understand me...they look at me as though I've lost my mind...and I smile...because I'm smarter than they realize...I love that when I make a statement people think that I am such an idiot...but I think that there is some small satisfaction in knowing that I am a little wiser than anyone could even begin to imagine...maybe I shouldn't dumb myself down...oh well
I guess...today's ramblings are very much that...ramblings...My mind is full and my heart is overflowing...I just love where my life is going...I know that there are times when I don't know what is going on and it bothers me that I can't see a lot of what is going on...but I know that God has me in His hand and things are going to be amazing...He has big plans for me..I can't wait to see what they are...
Be praying for this weekend...we are having our Christmas musical and things are beginning to come together but we still have a ways to go...
I'll keep you posted...
Jess
I never want to be the person who doesn't look at the best in everyone I see...maybe that makes me naive...maybe that makes me foolish...but I'm ok with that...I love who I am and I refuse to apologize for me...I might be crazy...and most people don't understand me...they look at me as though I've lost my mind...and I smile...because I'm smarter than they realize...I love that when I make a statement people think that I am such an idiot...but I think that there is some small satisfaction in knowing that I am a little wiser than anyone could even begin to imagine...maybe I shouldn't dumb myself down...oh well
I guess...today's ramblings are very much that...ramblings...My mind is full and my heart is overflowing...I just love where my life is going...I know that there are times when I don't know what is going on and it bothers me that I can't see a lot of what is going on...but I know that God has me in His hand and things are going to be amazing...He has big plans for me..I can't wait to see what they are...
Be praying for this weekend...we are having our Christmas musical and things are beginning to come together but we still have a ways to go...
I'll keep you posted...
Jess
Thursday, November 30, 2006
My Life is Amazing
Yesterday I stood in front o my class and told them that I love my job, I love what I do, and I love every single one of my students...but they were making it very hard for me to love my job...and I don't want to hate my job...there are enough teachers out there who feel that way...I truly do love my life...my job...and my students...
Over Thanksgiving break I realized that my students are my life...well that and my best friend was in TN the whole week and I was bored out of my mind...I told her dad last night that he is not allowed to ever take her away from me that long ever again...It was way too long and it made me very sad...LOL
Besides that though...I was thinking last night...I have nothing to complain about...I have a great family and amazing friends...I have a wonderfull job and people who love me...I can't believe that I have spent the last week being all down and out...there are several reasons why, but I shouldn't let those things bring me down...I want everyone to be able to be able to be as content as I am right now...even that one thing that I always complain about isn't going to drag me down right now...I love life...
My life is amazing...
Over Thanksgiving break I realized that my students are my life...well that and my best friend was in TN the whole week and I was bored out of my mind...I told her dad last night that he is not allowed to ever take her away from me that long ever again...It was way too long and it made me very sad...LOL
Besides that though...I was thinking last night...I have nothing to complain about...I have a great family and amazing friends...I have a wonderfull job and people who love me...I can't believe that I have spent the last week being all down and out...there are several reasons why, but I shouldn't let those things bring me down...I want everyone to be able to be able to be as content as I am right now...even that one thing that I always complain about isn't going to drag me down right now...I love life...
My life is amazing...
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thank God For Unanswered Prayers...
...remember when you're talking to the man upstairs
just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...
This year began with fasting and a list of prayer requests...On the top of that list was the desire for God to send my sister and I a Godly man...my personal request was that God would either send me a man or help me be content with being single...I've floated back an forth through thinking I had been given someone...to being content with where God has me...
The year started off with someone asking me out on a date...totally and completely unexpected and even somewhat delightful...and then...in the middle of all of that...I had another guy who suddenly showed interest...and here I thought that God was answering my prayer...a good Christian man who was cute and funny...and I was looking forward to the possibility of a relationship...I felt things that I had never felt before...and then...that fell through...my heart hurt...and then there was nothing...no one...
Somehow it was ok...I felt completely content with where I was...and where I was going...I loved every bit of my life...everything that was my life was amazing...And then I started my new job and life became even better...My students are my life...and I love my life...thus...I love my students...Everything was and pretty much still is amazing...
Then...there was this amazing guy...who was an amazing friend...we were spending lots of time together...more time than I spent with any other guy...and I began to think there was something more...and finally...when I had more than I could take...I brought it up...he then made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that he could like me...even though I felt completely horrible...it was amazingly liberating...
Since then...I have taken a step back...I want something to happen, but as I talked to a guy I know last night...he made me realize...that maybe God isn't saying no...He's just saying not right now...I know that He has something amazing out there for me...and I am ready to wait...I'm ready...
I just know that there has to be a reason...and someday I will know what that is...until then...I'll just be content...
just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...
This year began with fasting and a list of prayer requests...On the top of that list was the desire for God to send my sister and I a Godly man...my personal request was that God would either send me a man or help me be content with being single...I've floated back an forth through thinking I had been given someone...to being content with where God has me...
The year started off with someone asking me out on a date...totally and completely unexpected and even somewhat delightful...and then...in the middle of all of that...I had another guy who suddenly showed interest...and here I thought that God was answering my prayer...a good Christian man who was cute and funny...and I was looking forward to the possibility of a relationship...I felt things that I had never felt before...and then...that fell through...my heart hurt...and then there was nothing...no one...
Somehow it was ok...I felt completely content with where I was...and where I was going...I loved every bit of my life...everything that was my life was amazing...And then I started my new job and life became even better...My students are my life...and I love my life...thus...I love my students...Everything was and pretty much still is amazing...
Then...there was this amazing guy...who was an amazing friend...we were spending lots of time together...more time than I spent with any other guy...and I began to think there was something more...and finally...when I had more than I could take...I brought it up...he then made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that he could like me...even though I felt completely horrible...it was amazingly liberating...
Since then...I have taken a step back...I want something to happen, but as I talked to a guy I know last night...he made me realize...that maybe God isn't saying no...He's just saying not right now...I know that He has something amazing out there for me...and I am ready to wait...I'm ready...
I just know that there has to be a reason...and someday I will know what that is...until then...I'll just be content...
Friday, November 24, 2006
I'm Smiling Again
I know that things are going to be alright...I'm smiling...and I just wanted you to know...I love that my life is where it is...even though there are things...unexplainable things...that have been pulling me down...I wish I could explain to people what has been going on...but I don't know how...
Don't worry about me though...everything is fine...I'm just going to have to take it easy...I feel wonderful...I just feel a little out of it...it could be the meds that I am on...but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry...I'll be fine...
Love ya...
Jess
Don't worry about me though...everything is fine...I'm just going to have to take it easy...I feel wonderful...I just feel a little out of it...it could be the meds that I am on...but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry...I'll be fine...
Love ya...
Jess
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