I Just Need Someone to Listen

Do you ever have something to say, but feel as though you have no one to listen...today you are my captive audience, those who read must hear the words I'm trying to say...

Before you continue reading, know that this will not be a happy blog, know aslo that I do not want the typical "everything will be alright" comment...I just need to get this off of my chest...and as I use this as my journal...I must say what I've needed to say...because no one will listen...

All I wanted was some time to myself...that's all I wanted...no...all I NEEDED...My weeks have been full, and my weekends have been packed with things to do...I needed some alone time...time to take a break from being pleasant...time to take a break from the happy me...time to just unwind...to walk around in my underwear and sing at the top of my lungs...

As I settled in for this much needed time...underwear and all...my brother calls..."We'll be at the house in five minutes"...we being him and his roommate...so I go get dressed...and I'm thinking..."great...the dishes aren't done...the house is a wreck...I'm not wearing any clothes...I just bought food for me for the next two weeks, but nothing for these guys to eat..."

So they get there...they complain and complain...they are hungry...there is nothing to make...they make fun of the fact that I need a recipe to make something...and then...I am tired...I didn't go to bed until almost 4 the night before...and I had to wake up at 6...I was running on two hours of sleep...I needed to go to bed...So I did...thinking they were leaving...I get woken up by my brother the next morning...He needed to use my car...sure whatever...just let me go back to sleep...He gets back...his roommate sleeps all day...all they end up doing is watching movies...cool...whatever...I watched with them...I had plans for the evening...so I go to leave...they are still there...doing NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I leave...go to the mall...go to the movies...get home...they are still there...I already had plans to stay in Bartow that night...so I leave...oops...I forgot my shoes...I call my brother...ask him to bring them to me at church today...he says ok...

I wake up this morning...call him...remind him to bring me my shoes...he calls back...15 minutes before church..."we're not coming because my roommate won't wake up" and they had driven his roommate's car to the house...so they don't even go to church...I get home...they are in the exact position they were when I left the previous night...I was frustrated!!!! I mean REALLY frustrated!!!!

So then I go to Blockbuster...and then Wal-Mart...I ask them if they are going to get out of the house...if they are going to do something...I just need a couple of hours to myself...they pester me...I try to clean...they keep asking the same questions over and over and over again...they keep laughing behind my back and won't tell me what they are laughing at...I just needed a break...they wouldn't leave...no...they didn't leave until I started crying...then they were like...oh let's leave...

And now they are gone...and all I want to do it cry...I can't even enjoy the few hours I have to myself...because they ruined those too!!!! Maybe I am being selfish...and childish...but then he thinks he has the right to lecture me...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was doing so good...things were going so well...I hate feeling like this...like I just don't want to exist...like everything would be better without me...why won't they listen...why does he turn his back on me when I try to talk...why does everyone shut me out...why don't I matter...why why why why why why why why why why.......

I'm tired...and my tears hurt...that's all...

the end

Contemplating Moments

Our lives are a compilation of moments that we remember and the ones that we try not to. Have you ever sat around trying to remember things that you've experienced. These moments aren't a big deal, they probably weren't when they happened either. But have you ever stopped to retrace a moment. What were you feeling, what was happening to the people around you?

Today I learned that someone who used to be a part of my life, passed away. I haven't had much contact with this person in the last few years, but when I was a child she was a big part of my life. I remember one time I was staying at a friends house...my friends name was Heather...we wanted to go swimming, and my aunt had a pool...we could walk to her house from where we were...so we did...but it was really early in the morning...I remember her coming out of her house...she wasn't mad...she just said maybe we should come back later in the day...she was always so nice...and she always smelled so good. I remember when her daughter died from cancer...that was a sad moment...I remember picking blackberries in her backyard...I remember the first and only time I ever got a spanking with a belt was when I left her house without telling anyone...I remember her garage...that's where the pool toys were...I remember the plastic plates that made the paper plates stronger...I always wanted a red one...so many cookouts...passing by her place every time I went to church...

Although she has not known me these last 15 years...I will always have those somewhat meaningless memories...and for that I am thankful...

I love you Aunt Juanita!

Live Like You Were Dying

So I've been thinking today (something to do with the fact that I am going to a wedding shower tonight)...I've decided that I am putting all of this moping about not being in a relationship behind me...I was thinking that when I get married I want people to be happy for me...and I will be wanting them to have a journey of their own...one where they end up with their perfect match. I am tired of being all down about this...get over it Jess...there is more to life...you obviously have more to do...don't just sit around and wait for something to happen...go out there and live...

I watched Last Holiday this weekend, and I have to say...that is how I want to live...I want to live every moment as though it were my last...I want to tell everyone how I feel...I want to hold nothing back...I want experience life...not just read about it in books...IT BEGINS...is what I have been saying for so long, but now it is time to live it...I want each moment to count...Kirsten Dunst said in Elizabethtown..."Everyday should have a purpose"...I want to live that way...so today I live with a reason in mind...that reason is to serve God and to be the best me I can be...

I am excited...and I want to continue this outlook on life...today I give Him my all!

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Fortune: Stop searching. Happiness will find you.

There are days when I feel as though the world is perfect. My life is going exactly as it could be. I love my job, my friends, my future...I am excited about all that my life has going for it. Then there are days when I think that I am alone, that I haven't started the next chapter in my life, and I wonder why it hasn't happened for me.

It was funny today, because Christa wrote that being single sucks...and I said..."You know what sucks more...being 24 and single." It really doesn't suck all the time, just on days when I think about that next phase of life. I am excited about starting my life joined with someone else, but I wish I knew when that was going to happen. I am still young by many standards, and I know that, but I don't want to be an old mom. I want to have the chance to watch my kids grow up, and their kids grow up...I don't want to be 30 before I have my first child. I guess in the long run it really isn't up to me. God has this in His hands, and although I don't always enjoy hearing that...I know it is the truth.

I told mom today that God must have something really amazing out there for me. I guess I am writing all of this to say that some days are good and some days are bad. Enjoy the good days and don't beat yourself up for the bad ones.

Oy With the Poodles Already

These past few days have been emotional for me. Let's see...the biggest thing is that my sister is having surgery on Tuesday to have a knot removed...they are going to do a biopsy and see what it is...while I know that God is in control...I can't help but be a little concerned...I love my sister...she is amazing...so beautiful...and partially my hero (I can't discount Josh completely here)...I am praying that everything turns out to be nothing...I know God has this in His hands...

Compared to that, the other emotional battles I have faced seem like nothing...but still...it will help to put them into words...On Thursday I sat talking to my mom...she was telling me about a new professor at Warner and she was telling me that her name was "Ciana" pronounced "Shawna"...Now, since I was a young girl I have always wanted to name my daughter Ciana Claire (pronounced "C-na)...so my mom said to me "I'm going to adopt a little girl and name her Ciana Claire...since you are never going to have any children"...Ouch!

The other thing that happened was today at lunch. One of my best friends (Amanda) and I are getting ready to start an event planning business together...focusing on weddings...so my brother says "Hey, that's like the movie The Wedding Planner, if you can't wed, plan." I started crying...I know that might seem ridiculous, but it really hurt...

I already struggle with the thought of never having that in my life, that I don't need the people closest to me, making me feel as though I am right...I know that God has something amazing for me...and I can't wait until the day he reveals it to me...

All That I'm Waiting For

My prayer this year has been that God would send my help-mate, or help me be content in being single. The first Sunday after Pastor Mike's prayer retreat, he came up to me before service and said, "You're gonna find yourself a MAN." I laughed and brushed it off. Not that I doubted it would happen, because I believe that with God, all things are possible. It was just that I didn't want to get my hopes up.

I faced the year with the thought that if something happened I would be happy, but if nothing happened my life wouldn't change, I would remain happy. I found myself at the beginning and end of what I thought could be two somewhat potential relationships (not that I thought either relationship was the right relationship).

Now that I am back to where I started I wonder at what God has out there for me...I mean...I know it has to be amazing...I believe that the one God has for me will be somewhat like this...

- A MAN after God's own heart! The spiritual leader of my household, someone who will lead me in devotions and push me to be all that God has called me to be.

- Romantic, but not mushy. Someone who cares enough to find out what my favorite flower is, and doesn't just get me roses because it's the flower that seems most romantic.

- Patient. I am an emotional person and I know that the man who will be mine will also be the man who won't let my tears hinder our love.

- Kind. I need a man with a servant's heart. Who looks to the needs of others before he looks to the needs of himself.

- Someone who won't look at me like I am crazy...even though I am...

- Someone who doesn't just think I'm beautiful, but someone who convinces me that I am.

I know that God has my perfect piece out there...and I can't wait until the day when God reveals it to us...but until that day I hope I can remain patient...ever aware that God is in control...and that He loves me with all that He is...