What happened to August?

I thought to myself today...time to get back to writing...and I realized that I did not post one thing in the entire month of August. I will have to say that is due in large part to the fact that the month of August was kind of a blur. Our schedule at work has been insane and I have been trying my hardest to live my life and get things in order.

I am still not sure what they heck is going on with me. I think I have things figured out and as soon as I feel that way...everything changes and I go back to being unsure. My life is kind of crazy right now. I have been all over the place. Even this writing feels helter skelter.

I can't even complete my thoughts...they are so all over the place...some day...I'll get it right...some day...

Music = ♥

I am sitting here listening to my Kate Nash Pandora radio station and I am in the best mood ever. I feel like I could just burst with all of this upbeat peppiness that I have going on right now. It's lovely. I love how music can do that to you. It has a way of calming you or taking you out of a bad mood and instantly putting a smile on your face. Kate Nash is BRILLIANT! Her songs have this way of making everything better.

After weeks in a funk I feel like I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate depression. I hate anxiety. The last three weeks of my life have sent me down this journey into the depths of despair. And then I think about one of my favorite movies...and the conversation between Anne and Marilla -

ANNE: Can't you even imagine you're in the depths of despair?

MARILLA: No, I can not. To despair is to turn your back on God

I don't want to turn my back on God. I need to run towards Him now more than I ever have before. My life has kind of taken me over and it's been a scary run. I don't tell people this, and since this thing is rarely read I guess I can place my thoughts upon these pages without fear...but last week I sat in my bed, taken over by the uncontrollable sobs that wouldn't stop and I remember thinking, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...and then it became I don't want to want to die. I would never try to kill myself again, but I hate when the thought that death would be easier than anything else pop into my head. I hate it SO much!

I have an amazing life...and I have finally figured out where I want to see my life to go. It's scary sometimes...because there are things I want that I don't know when will come in to play. And I think sometimes I get to a point where I just don't understand why some things haven't happened for me...but God know more than I do...So I will just trust him :)

So...I will sit here and listen to my Kate Nash radio station full of Regina Spektor, Tegan and Sara, and Lily Allen. And I will smile...and dance...and love life!

Getting Harder to Breathe...

When the words leave my head and find their way on to the pages I feel a relief. It is therapeutic to somehow get these things out of me. These last few weeks have me spiraling down into a deep depression that scares me. I haven't felt this way in years and I don't know what is keeping me here. I hate this more than anything else in the world.

My life is great. I have a good job, a loving family, and some pretty decent friends. I don't have anything to be sad about or upset about. I don't have any reason to be anxious, but I feel as though I've lost all control of reality. As much as I know that these things are real, I can't quite get a grip. I feel anxious and nervous, and I've never been so paranoid in my life. I am freaking out and I can't seem to get back on solid ground.

I am having to remind myself to breathe, and it's getting harder than it should be. I keep thinking I will wake up and that things will be back to normal. I keep thinking that I'm going get it together...but it's getting harder to actually believe it. I need to step back and let life just happen.

I don't know what's going to happen, or when I will level out...but I need it to happen soon!

I Say I Don't Care

I think I'm trying to find reasons to hurt. I think I am trying to punish myself...or make myself feel worse about who I am. I don't know why I keep doing this. I am desperately hurting right now and I can't quite seem to make it stop. I feel torn inside...and I don't fully understand why. I honestly feel like someone has ripped my heart out and is having the time of their lives stomping it to shreds. I know that no one is trying to hurt me...but I'm hurting anyways.

Today I sent out random text messages of encouragement...because I thought that it would make me feel better...instead...I feel worse. I feel even more alone...and I know that I'm not. I know that people love me and that I am well liked. I hate this! I seriously hate this. I feel like a child writing these words. I feel silly and immature. I want to throw my phone away and disconnect from every form of social interaction...because they don't make me feel more connected...they make me feel more alone. I am DONE being alone. I just deactivated my facebook account...and tonight I vow to stop sending text messages to people. I don't want to spend the every night stuck in front of a computer crying because I am hurting so bad.

Seriously...ridiculous...and I can't talk to anyone about this...because it SOUNDS RIDICULOUS!!! I hate this...and I don't care...I just don't care.

And so I cry myself to sleep once again...this sucks! God please take away these tears...please...

I Miss You

I know that I didn't make a mistake. I know that you are not the right guy for me, and I know that I am not the right girl for you. You and I are so different...but I thought we were friends. For three months...you were the most important person in my life. I don't know how to go from that to not being your friend. It feels like you have figured out the secret to this...I wish you'd share it. I want to talk to you every day, but I know that I am torturing myself...because no matter how many times I text you...you hardly ever respond...and even if I get a response it is cold and distant.

I miss you. I miss talking to you and being your friend. I miss your friends and feeling like I am part of something. I miss my second family. I miss the church. It is so hard for me to have gone from changing my life so much and living my life in your world to being completely pushed out of it. I know that it was my choice...but I didn't know it would be mean all of this.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention. I loved you...I do love you. It hurts because I know that no matter how much I love you we will never be right for each other. It hurts because I can't be what you need. I am sad that we're not able to be in each others lives anymore...I wish it could be different.

You will always be in my heart...even if I am far from yours. I just want you to know...even if you never read this...I miss you...

My Mid-year's Resolutions

I have a habit of making lists that I never actually get around to getting around to. I make lists of what I want to do for a day, a week, in five years...but I am standing here at a year and a half away from my 30th birthday and I think it's about time to stop playing around and start getting down to business. I want to get serious about the changes I want to see in my life I want to write the words down in a place that I will constantly come back to and see them staring back at me. Does that mean I'll actually get them accomplished? I don't know...but it's worth a shot, right?

-I want to get back to God. I have been running for so long and I had finally gotten to a good place and then, just as easily I slipped back into a routine that continually pulled me away from him. I want to spend time in devotions and prayer every day. I want to find a church that I feel comfortable in and that allows me to worship freely.

-I want to finally lose this weight that I have said for years that I would lose and have instead gained more that I need to lose. I want to get up every morning and work out. I want to eat right, not just because it's the right thing to do, but because one day when I do have a family I want them to come into this world with health a priority and life to be lived without the self-confidence issues I've always faced, and I need to find that balance now so that my children never have to. I want to enjoy going to the gym...I want it to be something I do even when I don't feel like it because I know it's what I need to do. I want to be strong...and I really, really, really want to start dancing again. I miss being able to let dance be the way I express myself other than writing.

-I want to write! I want to make writing a daily part of my routine. I want to finish a novel. I want to write something meaningful. I want to blog on a regular basis. I need to write. I need to get these words out of my head and on to the pages. No one in this world ever has to see them, or appreciate them, but this is something I need to do for me.

-I want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I want to be ok with not having a "group of friends" that I hang out with all the time, as long as I can have friendships that are lasting...that will last despite distance and time. I want to know that if my friend moves to Africa, we will still be friends because the relationship we have now is more than hanging out...but something real and deep that is strong and will hold up against all odds.

-I want to stop being so hard on myself. I want to be able to admit that sometimes things hurt me and that I don't always have to be perfect for everyone...I just have to be me. I get so tired of trying to live up to some standard that I have in my head that I think everyone is expecting me to live up to...but I'm the only who has to live with my choices and who I am...so I want to stop thinking about other people as much...and think about myself a little more.

I think those will be the things I will start on. I want to live a life that I can one day look back and be proud of. I need to stop missing out because I'm too scared. I am looking forward to these next few months...because it is my goal to make my life a better thing before the end of the year...I guess you could call this my mid-year's resolution list. :)

Wish It Didn't Hurt...

So I'm sitting here tonight trying not to feel sorry for myself. I think sometimes that I am exactly the same as I was when I was the very scared 13 year old who didn't like herself and felt so very alone. I am well liked...I always have been. People want to be my friend. I am the girl that everyone wants to be around when they need to feel better about themselves. Jessica is the girl who is encouraging and who is funny...but there must be something wrong with me...there must be something that keeps people away.

I feel silly really...sitting here crying as I type these words. I try to convince myself that how I am feeling is just some hormonal imbalance...or maybe I'm depressed and need to be on medication. There has to be a logical explanation for these feelings of loneliness and pain.

I hate this. I know that I am an amazing person and that people do love me and that I have many friends. But there are so many days that I feel completely ignored. I lost one of my best friends and I hate that he's mad at me. I hate that I let myself get so close to someone and then because I didn't feel the way he wanted me to I got pushed away. I hate that there are amazing guys in my life that would make excellent choices, but who I find myself not attracted to in that way. I hate that I have let myself become this person who barely recognizes herself anymore. It's easier for me to be in meaningless relationships...because I know in the end...they can't hurt me.

Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to escape...to run away and become someone new. To start all over again...somewhere where no one has expectations...and if I mess up no one will think twice about it. They will see me as they do everyone else.

Right now I am in so much pain...and I have been for years...and I don't know how to get out of it. I try...and I get so close...but right when I'm at the brink of freedom I get dragged back down into this pit...and right now I'm just too tired to try and get out. So I will sit here in my misery and I will be alone. I will try to do this on my own...in my own way...and I will not allow anyone to help me and I will be scared and I will be broken...and I will hurt.

I am tired now from these tears...and I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I hate that I care what he thinks of me. I hate that it hurts...but I know it was my choice...not his and that is why I live with it. I hate that I just can't find a place to fit...will I always be this oddly shaped piece that no one can seem to figure our which puzzle I belong to? Why is it that everyone else seems to find friends...and I am always alone? It hurts so very badly...it hurts it hurts it hurts

I'm tired of these tears tonight...so I will go to bed and try to think of other things...pleasant things...a life full of lovely moments...even if they have to be lonely moments.

Tiny Little Baby Steps

I feel that I am constantly growing as a person, but sometimes my growth feels as though it takes too long. I think that living in a time of instant gratification, we expect things to happen right when we want them to. I suppose I should enjoy the process and take each moment as it comes, but sometimes that just doesn't work. I get frustrated and annoyed and I just can't seem to understand why things don't happen how I want them to when I want them to.

Timing...it's a funny little thing. I'm a big believer that everything happens exactly when it needs to and seves a purpose...no matter how small it may seem at the time. That does not make it easier to wait for the things we want the most. I am constantly trying to get a tight grip on patience...but I just don't have the...um...patience to get it :) I think that my life is going in the right direction, but sometimes the timing of it all seems a little slow at times. I constantly look at other people my age and wonder how I got so far behind. The majority of my friends from school are all married and even working on expanding their families. Granted, I do not regret not getting married at a younger age, but there are times when I wonder why waiting is something I have to do.

When I talk about waiting, I am not just talking about marriage and family, but career and even why I can't seem to get motivated to do what I love the most, which I write. I used to have the greatest ambitions of being a famous author...now a days, I don't long for the fame, but merely the accomplishment of putting my words out there for others to take in. I want to write something that is life changing or relatable. I want someone to pick up the obscure book in the corner and marvel and word choice and think to themselves, wow, this person must have seen the depth of me.

I am trying to take the tiny little baby steps towards the life I want. I have so many dreams and goals that I have yet to accomplish... I often fear that I have wasted so much time on things that mean nothing and have let the things that do mean something lay in wait. They are now covered with the dust of years gone by and now it is my job to wipe away the cobwebs and renew the dreams of the past. I don't want to watch my life go by and have been merely a spectator. I want to LIVE my life. And so now...I take these steps and live...for that is all I can do.

I Can't Quite Get It Right

So that was a short lived relationship. He was such an amazing guy, and maybe if it had been at a different time, it could have worked. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship. I want to be able to make it work some day with someone, but I felt like I was putting all of myself in to it and still coming up empty.

Part of me feels that it was completely due to the fact that neither of us are really sure where are lives are headed and that is too scary for me to handle right now. I get stressed out enough as it is to try and figure out what I want to do with my life. He deserves someone who isn't a freak...or who at least doesn't freak out every second. I learned a lot about myself in all of this. I learned that I am definitely not ready for a relationship...that I enjoy my "me" time...and that being single isn't always such a bad thing.

Maybe some day I'll get it right. I'll be able to find someone who fits with me and I with them.

Who knows...it could happen...

Holding It Together

I feel slightly overwhelmed. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life. I thought that my life would follow a formula and that's the way things would go and there wouldn't be any variations to the pattern. I thought that I would turn 18 and I would be an adult and move out of my parent's house and go to school and be a successful writer and get married and have two kids and that right now my life would be "perfect"...needless to say...that was NOT the way my life would go.

Please don't get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled that my life went in a different direction. Before I even turned 18 I had the greatest heartbreak of my life. I don't usually think about it like this, but I truly believe that changed my life. Since then I have learned a lot about myself. I have become a stronger and more independent person. I have learned to love who I am and enjoy being me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point.

In the last couple of months here are some things that I've learned about myself, some of which I already knew and some of which are new to me. I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy. This is something that I've always known about myself, but these last two months have taught me the detriment of this attribute. By trying to always make everyone else happy, I tend to sacrifice my own happiness, and this in turn breeds resentment towards the people I am trying to please. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it like that. By sacrificing what I want, for what others want I am placing myself in a situation that will only lead to making someone unhappy. I have to learn that it is ok to not always make everyone love me every second of every day.

Another thing that I have learned about myself...I prefer solo sports for the mere fact that if I lose, I know that it's my fault. When I was younger and I played team sports, if we ever lost I would spend the rest of the time contemplating how the loss was completely my fault. I never took in to account that other people on the team attributed to the mistakes that caused the team to lose, nor did I take into account the strengths that gave the other team an advantage over us. I would spend countless hours deciding that the loss was completely my fault and that everyone on the team would be justified for hating my guts. Currently, I am having to learn that I am not always at fault. This is a really hard lesson for me to learn. One of the reasons I have enjoyed being single (I'm learning) is that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. Now, when things go wrong, I still blame myself, even if I'm not the one at fault. This is the hardest thing that I'm dealing with at the moment.

I was talking to God the other day on my way home from somewhere. I said that I felt as though I were a horrible daughter. I complain when I don't have someone because I think I'm being punished, and then when I do have someone, I complain that I miss being single.

I have an amazing life, and sometimes I feel like "If it's not broken, don't fix it" applies to my love life. I have been completely content being single, and now that I have added someone else to the mix I don't know that I'm handling it all that well. I used to think that this is what would make me feel like my life was finally coming together, but to be really honest, I feel as though I am completely falling apart.

I have this amazing guy in my life. He treats me well and he loves me so much, but I still feel as though I am failing. There should be more that I can do. I shouldn't feel this way.

I just keep trying to figure out what to do, how to handle things and how to not completely fall apart.

More Than the Motions

I feel like sometimes I tell myself that I am just going through the motions. Living my life one day at a time with no clear goals or direction, but I really feel like my life is more than that. I know that I am not living for tomorrow, but have changed to living for today. I never try to make assumptions about myself...or others. I am trying to live each day as though it is the only one that matters. That is both good and bad.

The good in it is that I am constantly learning to love where I am and what I have. I try to never take for granted all that I have been blessed with. I also get the chance to live every day knowing that I am making the most of it. The negatives to living for today is that I tend to want to lose sight of tomorrow.

There has to be some sort of balance out there. I just haven't been able to find it yet.

Looking Back to Look Ahead

I've been reading through my older posts, and I find myself wishing that I could talk to a younger me and tell her that worrying over things does no good. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be ok, and that hurting is part of growing up. I wish she knew how amazing she was and that no amount of weight loss, or make up, or clothes are going to make her a better person. I wish she knew to hold on tight to who she is and never let others tell her that she is anything less than the best.

All of this recent reflection has made me realize that my life has never been close to perfect, but I would say that I have lived a good life. Each day I feel as though I learn something new about myself. I have learned that I love to be alone. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who is so hell bent on finding the love of her life...but seriously, I love my alone time. I was supposed to go out with friends tonight, but I found out that I will have the entire house to myself, and now I'm bailing on them to spend time on my own. I just can't help myself, I love the quiet and the fact that I don't have to worry about what anyone else wants to do, or how they will react if I do something, or if I want to watch something that they don't want to.

I have learned that I am stronger and more independent than I give myself credit for. I know who I am inside and out, and I love who I am. This makes me stronger than I've ever been. There is no way that I could be this way if it weren't for everything that I've already been through. I have so much going for me and I tend to put myself down more often than I should.

Each moment that I have lived this life has brought me to the point that I am now and I just have to say...I love standing here, being able to look behind me at where I have been and look ahead to see where I am going...this life just keeps getting better and better...

Loving the Journey

So...a couple of different things to talk about today.

Met "School Boy" on Friday night. It was awkward but I just tried to be myself. He seems like a nice guy. Not really my type...really tall, really skinny, but like I said, he was nice and he handled my family pretty well, so that gave him some extra points. Mom is still in love with him and I think she's already planned our wedding. Got to love her.

Meanwhile, I am still interested in seeing if anything progresses with "Salt and Pepper" (that's what my co-worker calls the older student who I swoon over every time he walks through my door). I've never been really good at the whole gauging of interest and whatnot when it comes to guys. He's the first guy I've met in a long time that I find attractive AND that I'm actually interested in moving beyond our office banter. I guess only time will tell, and I'm not stressing over it.

I continue to be completely happy being single. Of course I hit my rough spots, but all in all, I love having my freedom and am embracing every moment that I am able to be single :) To that end...I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (if that ever happens anyways). I've narrowed it down to two options...and I even think I've decided between the two. Right now, as I type, I have tabs up on my browser...each representing where I want to see myself in the next few years. The first tab is job openings for education positions, the second is the EPI program at Polk that I need to take in order to get my permanent certification, the third is the Masters in Reading at USF that I want to obtain, the fourth is the house I really want to buy and the fifth is the car that I'd like to buy after I finish my Masters. It sounds like a lot, but it's really a progression of steps that I want to take towards my future. I loved teaching middle school reading, and that's what I want to do.

The other option that I have been looking in to was my Masters at Wake Forest, and then on to editing for a publishing company. And while this does seem like me in a lot of ways, I have this overwhelming desire to teach, to have my summers to myself, and to inspire a new generation to learn how to fall in love with books. I have this whole theory that if we could teach kids to find what they love to read, they will have an easier time reading the things that they don't love. That's how it always worked for me. I, of course, am an exception to the rule...I loved everything.

It's kind of cool to be on the edge of these choices. And I love that I am single and don't have to worry about someone else when I am making them. I can choose what's best for ME. How can anyone not see that as a blessing?

I am looking forward to this journey and the road ahead of me. It will be interesting to see where it all goes.

My Frustrations in Words

On Saturday, it took every ounce of self control that I possess to NOT kill my mother. It's difficult when you know that someone does something out of love, and yet it infuriates you to no end. I love my mother, and since Saturday I have calmed down a great deal and no longer have the desire to see her meet her end.

Anyone who knows me knows that my singleness is a large factor in who I am as a person. I love it and hate it all at the same time. My family loves me through it, but none of them ever fully understand it. My parents got married when they were twenty, my sister has always had guys wanting to date her and was almost engaged to one guy and is now married to the love of her life, and my brother has been in relationships since he was about 14 years old and is now engaged to the love of his life. Their happiness in love inspires me and lets me know that it is out there, but it tends to put them in a place where they don't truly understand where I'm at.

For the last year or so, my mom has been fixated on me meeting this guy that is in her Masters classes. He went to UCLA (which is pretty impressive in my book) and is currently teaching 6th grade math in Lake Wales (being in Lake Wales/Polk County gives him a negative point [although I am also in Polk County, so I probably shouldn't be too hard on him for that]). I really don't have a problem with meeting him (I would have to say that mom has made it pretty hard for me to say no), and so, this Friday night, I am finally meeting this guy.

Now, I wasn't mad that my mom wanted me to meet him, I was upset with the fact that she told him that it was a set up. MOM! :) I understand her reasoning, I really do. She thought that it wasn't fair that I was meeting him under the presumption that my mom wanted me to "meet" him, and he didn't know about it. STILL...I think the fact that he knows is SO awkward. I wish that I could explain it better, and maybe if I had written this two days ago it would have been clearer. Like I said, I've calmed down since then, so it doesn't really make me quite so upset.

I'm not sure what Friday night will be like. I'm really hoping that it won't be awkward and that it will go swimmingly. :) (I love that word) I guess the only thing I can do is hold my breath and jump in with both feet. Here goes nothing...

The Next New Year

I can't think. My mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts that do not coincide. A fight within myself rages on even though outward appearances deceive the naked eye. Why can't I quiet these voices in my head that seem to hate one another. It constantly feels as though I am that cartoon, the one where angles and devils occupy the shoulders and play a game against themselves. I want to be good. I want to be bad. I feel as though I am losing this battle, no matter which way I choose to go.

There used to be a day when there was be no ambiguous line. I knew right from wrong and I never questioned it. I feel that the older I get the more I use justification to make myself feel better about the choices I make. I am tired of trying to be an ideal. I want to just be myself and stop making excuses for who that is. I haven't always liked myself. In fact, I would say that the majority of my life I couldn't stand being in the same room with myself. I hated who I was, and I never really knew how to change that. In the last few years who I was and who I am have collided into this person who's sure and unsure of who she is. If that's not confusing to anyone, then you are one up on me.

I would like to stand on the other side of this year with the knowledge that I have lived this year with purpose. That I haven't wasted my time by not taking advantage of the opportunities that come my way. I hope that I am able to get something out of this year, even if it is only a better understanding of myself. I can't wait to see where my life takes me. The road ahead is promising...