Music = ♥

I am sitting here listening to my Kate Nash Pandora radio station and I am in the best mood ever. I feel like I could just burst with all of this upbeat peppiness that I have going on right now. It's lovely. I love how music can do that to you. It has a way of calming you or taking you out of a bad mood and instantly putting a smile on your face. Kate Nash is BRILLIANT! Her songs have this way of making everything better.

After weeks in a funk I feel like I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate depression. I hate anxiety. The last three weeks of my life have sent me down this journey into the depths of despair. And then I think about one of my favorite movies...and the conversation between Anne and Marilla -

ANNE: Can't you even imagine you're in the depths of despair?

MARILLA: No, I can not. To despair is to turn your back on God

I don't want to turn my back on God. I need to run towards Him now more than I ever have before. My life has kind of taken me over and it's been a scary run. I don't tell people this, and since this thing is rarely read I guess I can place my thoughts upon these pages without fear...but last week I sat in my bed, taken over by the uncontrollable sobs that wouldn't stop and I remember thinking, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...and then it became I don't want to want to die. I would never try to kill myself again, but I hate when the thought that death would be easier than anything else pop into my head. I hate it SO much!

I have an amazing life...and I have finally figured out where I want to see my life to go. It's scary sometimes...because there are things I want that I don't know when will come in to play. And I think sometimes I get to a point where I just don't understand why some things haven't happened for me...but God know more than I do...So I will just trust him :)

So...I will sit here and listen to my Kate Nash radio station full of Regina Spektor, Tegan and Sara, and Lily Allen. And I will smile...and dance...and love life!