I think I'm trying to find reasons to hurt. I think I am trying to punish myself...or make myself feel worse about who I am. I don't know why I keep doing this. I am desperately hurting right now and I can't quite seem to make it stop. I feel torn inside...and I don't fully understand why. I honestly feel like someone has ripped my heart out and is having the time of their lives stomping it to shreds. I know that no one is trying to hurt me...but I'm hurting anyways.
Today I sent out random text messages of encouragement...because I thought that it would make me feel better...instead...I feel worse. I feel even more alone...and I know that I'm not. I know that people love me and that I am well liked. I hate this! I seriously hate this. I feel like a child writing these words. I feel silly and immature. I want to throw my phone away and disconnect from every form of social interaction...because they don't make me feel more connected...they make me feel more alone. I am DONE being alone. I just deactivated my facebook account...and tonight I vow to stop sending text messages to people. I don't want to spend the every night stuck in front of a computer crying because I am hurting so bad.
Seriously...ridiculous...and I can't talk to anyone about this...because it SOUNDS RIDICULOUS!!! I hate this...and I don't care...I just don't care.
And so I cry myself to sleep once again...this sucks! God please take away these tears...please...
1 comment:
Jessica Renee, I love you with all my heart. I am sorry I can't be there for you, you know I want to be there. I want to make you laugh, I want to try your tears. I also want to let you know that Solitude is an ancient spiritual practice. I encourage you in this time of expansive depression to find those moments to wait, listen, and reflect on these moments. I know that sounds like bull shit, but it has been true of a lot of the early christian mystics and Jesus Himself. In the hardest moments of His story he would seclude Himself. I do want you to feel better. I wish you could understand that I'm always with you. Jessica, you are a precious gift and an infinite source of wisdom to myself. I hope for the next time we can come into contact.
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