Wish It Didn't Hurt...

So I'm sitting here tonight trying not to feel sorry for myself. I think sometimes that I am exactly the same as I was when I was the very scared 13 year old who didn't like herself and felt so very alone. I am well liked...I always have been. People want to be my friend. I am the girl that everyone wants to be around when they need to feel better about themselves. Jessica is the girl who is encouraging and who is funny...but there must be something wrong with me...there must be something that keeps people away.

I feel silly really...sitting here crying as I type these words. I try to convince myself that how I am feeling is just some hormonal imbalance...or maybe I'm depressed and need to be on medication. There has to be a logical explanation for these feelings of loneliness and pain.

I hate this. I know that I am an amazing person and that people do love me and that I have many friends. But there are so many days that I feel completely ignored. I lost one of my best friends and I hate that he's mad at me. I hate that I let myself get so close to someone and then because I didn't feel the way he wanted me to I got pushed away. I hate that there are amazing guys in my life that would make excellent choices, but who I find myself not attracted to in that way. I hate that I have let myself become this person who barely recognizes herself anymore. It's easier for me to be in meaningless relationships...because I know in the end...they can't hurt me.

Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to escape...to run away and become someone new. To start all over again...somewhere where no one has expectations...and if I mess up no one will think twice about it. They will see me as they do everyone else.

Right now I am in so much pain...and I have been for years...and I don't know how to get out of it. I try...and I get so close...but right when I'm at the brink of freedom I get dragged back down into this pit...and right now I'm just too tired to try and get out. So I will sit here in my misery and I will be alone. I will try to do this on my own...in my own way...and I will not allow anyone to help me and I will be scared and I will be broken...and I will hurt.

I am tired now from these tears...and I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I hate that I care what he thinks of me. I hate that it hurts...but I know it was my choice...not his and that is why I live with it. I hate that I just can't find a place to fit...will I always be this oddly shaped piece that no one can seem to figure our which puzzle I belong to? Why is it that everyone else seems to find friends...and I am always alone? It hurts so very badly...it hurts it hurts it hurts

I'm tired of these tears tonight...so I will go to bed and try to think of other things...pleasant things...a life full of lovely moments...even if they have to be lonely moments.