Ramblings of a Hurting Heart

I've been single a long time. Most of my life actually. There have been moments where I have struggled with my singleness, not fully understanding why I had to endure life alone. But there have been other moments where I have embraced every aspect of being single.

What I have found is that the single status means something different for everyone. I know for myself, I have gone through several phases of singleness. I am sharing this, mostly because I feel that I have words that need to escape me, but also because I hope someone out there might read these words and think, "Finally, someone else understands."

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by people in strong, loving marriages. I'm also very blessed to have an amazing mother who stayed home and loved us with everything she had! So from a young age, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 18 (Thank God I was wrong about that!!!). I was also an avid babysitter, so the idea of starting a family was something that just seemed like the obvious progression for my life. God had other plans.

I didn't even have my first boyfriend/kiss until I was 17 years old. I naively thought that the first guy I dated would be the guy I married. I mean, I waited 17 years, right? Wrong. He did everything right. Our first date was spectacular, and I will always be grateful to him that our first kiss seemed like something out of a movie, but it didn't take long for the crappy ending and rolling credits.

That's ok. I just figured that meant I'd meet him in college. We'd fall in love over books in the library and get married with all of our college friends around us. I watched this happen for so many of my friends. I was a catch. Smart. Funny. Amazing. I had my fair share of crushes, and I can think of a few of you that I definitely liked as more than friends, but I maybe went on three dates my entire time in college. It wasn't meant to be.

I had a short-lived relationship after college. He was funny, and he liked me. I think by that point I had decided no one else ever would, so I fell in love with the idea of him more than him. He broke up with me at an airport. It's always one of my favorite stories to tell. He helped me realize that being single wasn't such a bad thing for me.

After that, I was single for a very long time. I may have had crushes, but no one stood out to me. This was a season of singleness where I was content for the most part. Or at least, that's what I can remember. During these seasons I have had moments where I cry out to God, asking WHY? Did I do something wrong? Did I disappoint you in some way? Are you punishing me? Those questions usually surfaced when someone I knew was getting married.

When both of my younger siblings got married before me, I was beyond happy that they found the loves of their lives, but that doesn't mean my heart didn't break a little when I thought about the fact that I haven't found mine. It's hard, because they can't really understand how I feel, and honestly I wouldn't want them to. It's hard sometimes…this whole being alone thing.

In my late 20's I had a few different relationships. They all taught me something different:

1. That I shouldn't be in a relationship just because I want to start a family.
2. That just because we share a common faith, it doesn't mean we are meant to be.
3. That passion and drive are really quite important to me.
4. That no matter how many boxes he checks on the list, if he doesn't treat you right, he's not the right one for you.

Recently, I thought I had finally met the one I have waited so long for. He opened doors for me. He gave me amazing experiences…the symphony, a baseball game, a moonlit walk in a garden display. He loved me the way I deserve to be loved. So what happened? Well…for those of you who know me well, family is probably one of the MOST important things to me. And unfortunately, his family didn't want me. There is so much more to the story than that, but I had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I had to choose to be single again.

So here I am…in a new season of singleness. My heart hurts. I still cry out to God and ask him why. One day I will know the answer to that question. So right now, I drift between contentment and pain. It's funny, because as I type these words, the tears are streaming down my face, but…I'm ok with it. I would truly rather be single than with the wrong person.

This post is much longer than I intended, but I needed to say these things. I needed to see the words. I needed to be able to hold these random thoughts in one place.

I guess…what I really want to say is…if you are single, figure out what that means for you. Stop listening to what others say it means. If being single for you means being completely content, embrace that! If, like me, you drift between contentment and hurt, that's ok!

I promise that my writing will make more sense in the future, but for now, I leave you. Thanks for listening the random ramblings of my hurting heart.