I feel slightly overwhelmed. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life. I thought that my life would follow a formula and that's the way things would go and there wouldn't be any variations to the pattern. I thought that I would turn 18 and I would be an adult and move out of my parent's house and go to school and be a successful writer and get married and have two kids and that right now my life would be "perfect"...needless to say...that was NOT the way my life would go.
Please don't get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled that my life went in a different direction. Before I even turned 18 I had the greatest heartbreak of my life. I don't usually think about it like this, but I truly believe that changed my life. Since then I have learned a lot about myself. I have become a stronger and more independent person. I have learned to love who I am and enjoy being me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point.
In the last couple of months here are some things that I've learned about myself, some of which I already knew and some of which are new to me. I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy. This is something that I've always known about myself, but these last two months have taught me the detriment of this attribute. By trying to always make everyone else happy, I tend to sacrifice my own happiness, and this in turn breeds resentment towards the people I am trying to please. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it like that. By sacrificing what I want, for what others want I am placing myself in a situation that will only lead to making someone unhappy. I have to learn that it is ok to not always make everyone love me every second of every day.
Another thing that I have learned about myself...I prefer solo sports for the mere fact that if I lose, I know that it's my fault. When I was younger and I played team sports, if we ever lost I would spend the rest of the time contemplating how the loss was completely my fault. I never took in to account that other people on the team attributed to the mistakes that caused the team to lose, nor did I take into account the strengths that gave the other team an advantage over us. I would spend countless hours deciding that the loss was completely my fault and that everyone on the team would be justified for hating my guts. Currently, I am having to learn that I am not always at fault. This is a really hard lesson for me to learn. One of the reasons I have enjoyed being single (I'm learning) is that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. Now, when things go wrong, I still blame myself, even if I'm not the one at fault. This is the hardest thing that I'm dealing with at the moment.
I was talking to God the other day on my way home from somewhere. I said that I felt as though I were a horrible daughter. I complain when I don't have someone because I think I'm being punished, and then when I do have someone, I complain that I miss being single.
I have an amazing life, and sometimes I feel like "If it's not broken, don't fix it" applies to my love life. I have been completely content being single, and now that I have added someone else to the mix I don't know that I'm handling it all that well. I used to think that this is what would make me feel like my life was finally coming together, but to be really honest, I feel as though I am completely falling apart.
I have this amazing guy in my life. He treats me well and he loves me so much, but I still feel as though I am failing. There should be more that I can do. I shouldn't feel this way.
I just keep trying to figure out what to do, how to handle things and how to not completely fall apart.
No comments:
Post a Comment