I can't think. My mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts that do not coincide. A fight within myself rages on even though outward appearances deceive the naked eye. Why can't I quiet these voices in my head that seem to hate one another. It constantly feels as though I am that cartoon, the one where angles and devils occupy the shoulders and play a game against themselves. I want to be good. I want to be bad. I feel as though I am losing this battle, no matter which way I choose to go.
There used to be a day when there was be no ambiguous line. I knew right from wrong and I never questioned it. I feel that the older I get the more I use justification to make myself feel better about the choices I make. I am tired of trying to be an ideal. I want to just be myself and stop making excuses for who that is. I haven't always liked myself. In fact, I would say that the majority of my life I couldn't stand being in the same room with myself. I hated who I was, and I never really knew how to change that. In the last few years who I was and who I am have collided into this person who's sure and unsure of who she is. If that's not confusing to anyone, then you are one up on me.
I would like to stand on the other side of this year with the knowledge that I have lived this year with purpose. That I haven't wasted my time by not taking advantage of the opportunities that come my way. I hope that I am able to get something out of this year, even if it is only a better understanding of myself. I can't wait to see where my life takes me. The road ahead is promising...
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