Where's My Voice?

Sometimes I wonder if my words mean anything. If I were silent would anyone be able to tell the difference? Would anyone notice that this voice had ceased to exist? I often wonder why part of me desires so greatly to be heard, but the other part of me is so scared that once my voice is out there, it will not be the voice I wish to be known for. This is my biggest struggle in writing. I love to write. It is my greatest passion, but I often find myself second guessing where my writing will take me. I am scared that if I start writing I will be stuck in one place...and I guess...I just don't want to be stuck in the wrong place.

I know that the thing I love to write about the most is the dynamics of family. I love how what we do can totally change the lives of the people we love. I love to explore the fact that most of us are not thinking of the consequences of our reactions. It is intriguing to delve into how typically unselfish people can turn selfish in the blink of an eye when they are faced with certain decisions. I also love to explore the relationships as they pertain to each person in the family. Is the father closer to one child, or the oldest particularly disgusted with her mother? These are things that we see on a daily basis in real life, but to be able to explore them from a literary perspective gives me great joy.

My struggle then becomes, do I write for an adult audience? Do I write for a teen audience? Do I write for a Christian audience? Do I chuck it all and write children's books? This is my greatest dilemma when it comes to my writing. The other, slightly smaller dilemma that I face is my need to self edit. I wish that I could just sit down and write, like I do here. I wish I could let my characters take over and not think so much about making it perfect. I need to just sit down and let it all unfold. I want a story to take over and dance upon the pages. Alas, I get stuck re-reading and re-writing everything before my characters have even had the chance to become more than two dimensional.

I guess I am now going to go and motivate myself to write without self editing. Hopefully my characters won't mind if I just let them live their lives...and I just sit back and watch.