What am I thinking?

I wonder what would happen if I told you everything that was on my mind. Some of you would be shocked, some would be scared and others wouldn't even think twice about the words that come out of my mouth. There are so many things up there in my head, bouncing around without any clear destination. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my thoughts. I don't know if I should share them or if I should put them away, locked in some secret place that is cold and dark where no one can find them.

Sometimes my thoughts are too negative. I don't know exactly when it happened, when I decided that negative thinking was acceptable, or when I began to realize it was negative...but at some point it really began to hit me. I wish I thought more positively. I wish there were a way I could paint roses where I see nothing but gray clouds. I am that person who is completely alone even when I am surrounded by people. There is something about this loneliness that brings out my negativity. Take last night for instance...I never quite understand why it is that God allows other people to find "the right person" and why I always feel like it's never going to be my turn, but last night that's exactly how I felt. And I always go to the negative. If I were smaller than maybe someone would want to be with me, or maybe if I were prettier then I could find someone who would love me. I hate that I have those thoughts. I am beautiful. I have a great personality. I am funny and intelligent. Honestly, any guy would be lucky to have me by his side. I tend to forget those things though. I always go to the negative first and then remind myself of the positives later.

Sometimes my mind spends too much time in the gutter. My sister once sent me something that said "If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless." The saddest thing about that statement is the truth in it. I don't even know why my thoughts slip into the gutter so often. My friend Merri once said that it's not that I have a dirty mind, it's that I think like a guy and people don't expect that from a girl. This is true, but so is the fact that I have a dirty mind. I don't always spend my time in the gutter, but I think I spend more time there then I should as a Christian. With "That's What She Said" jokes, and sexual innuendos, I am constantly having to remind myself that dirty thinking is NOT something I should be doing.

I guess I've just been thinking a lot recently. And my thoughts sometimes overtake me and I never quite know what to do with them. So I write them down so that you can read them. Not that anyone ever does...but if they happen to...this is what they would see.