I Can Be...

Life can be confusing. We go through our days thinking we know more than we actually do, and when we realize how little we do know we get frustrated trying not to look dumb. We spend way too much time trying to make other people happy, to please them, to make them like us. What would life be like if only we would begin to stand on our own two feet, if we would just be who we are? I get so tired of wearing a mask, trying to be something I'm not. I like who I am, even when others don't. I feel happy that my life is blessed, that I know God and that I have people who love me. It is time to begin living my life constantly with this out look.

The last few weeks have been full of the usual ups and downs. I have gone though a lot and I have cried more than I care to. I think they have been healing tears, but even healing tears can hurt. I want to be happy, and these tears are just stepping stones to get me there. I don't know where this blog is going. My head kinda hurts from the tears. If nothing else, today I have realized that right now is probably not the best time for me to get into a relationship, and any guy I thought I was interested in, is no longer an option. I need to be single right now. I HAVE to be single right now. The other thing I've learned is that I have to grow in who I am. I have to be less so that God can be more.

I guess this is all just me saying what's on my mind...

Oh Yeah

I suck at this being single thing...I go days where everything is perfect and I couldn't be happier being single...and then there are days...like the last few...where I just wish it would happen for me...I wish that every day could be smooth...and that I would realize that I am an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have me and that it's their loss not mine...yadda yadda yadda...

It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...

It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...

I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...

Become All

My dream...that thing I want to accomplish more than anything...finishing my manuscript...ministering to youth...my dream...to live in full time ministry...I just want to live my life walking in the presence of the Lord...I want to give Him my all...and maybe I'm not working hard enough to make these dreams come true...I have distractions...and I let them pull me to the side...I want to live completely in His arms...

I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...

God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...