Feburary...March...April...and now May...
The months have flown by and I have watched each one come and go. I don't know when it was that I lost the desire to write. I don't remember why I haven't posted a new blog in four months, but here I am today with only a few minutes to share the things that are in my head.
I have been running. Running from everything I know I should be. I don't know when it was that I became tired of fighting the good fight, but I threw the towel in. This past weekend I picked it back up. It doesn't matter how many times I have failed in this journey; I know that my God is there, ready and willing to pick me up and put me back on the right road. A friend had an away message up earlier and it said something like this, "God...a myth created so that we don't have to deal with the fact that we are responsible for our own actions." I wrote back that just because there IS a God, doesn't mean we aren't responsible for our own actions. Free will is one of things that makes God so great. I also said that His forgiveness and mercy are what make Him AMAZING! I truly believe that.
I get to choose how I live my life, and recently I have chosen not to care. I just gave up somewhere along the way, and I let the enemy have way too much control. This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. I am coming upon the 6th year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Satan always knows that I am weakest point during this time, even when I don't know it. I have decided that this battle is over. I will no longer fight the enemy on this one. I've read the book, I know who wins. I will take my victory today thank you very much. I refuse to play this game with him. I'm sure there are times when he thinks he has won, but not anymore. I will put on my FULL ARMOR, and stop letting him hit me with the fiery arrows.
Today is a new day, and I will not be weighed down by the attacks of the enemy any longer. Today I choose to hold my head up high and know that God has something amazing in store for me. I'm not going to fight this battle of low self-esteem any more. I will not try to overcompensate by putting myself out there, thinking that the attention I receive is real. Instead, I choose today, to be me!
