Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.
How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.
I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.
God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.
