I remember a time when I was younger. A watch was broken. It was a nice watch, but it belonged to either me or my sister. It had a brown wristband, gold framing, and Minnie Mouse with a red polka dot dress in the center of the face. I think I remember all of this in such great detail because it was such a big part of me, to take on what others couldn't, or wouldn't, and because of the many lessons I have gleaned from it over the years. You see, my parents came to us. They wanted to know who had broken the watch. We stood there, each in turn, telling them that we had not been the one to do it. At one point I realized that this would not end until someone admitted to doing it, so, I took up a burden that was not mine and told them that I was the one that broke the watch. I got a spanking for it. One thing I don't remember; if we ever figured out who actually did it.
There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.
I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.
The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.
Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!
