The last two months have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. I feel like there have been so many more downs than ups and those downs have been pretty painful. I didn't realize that love, when not returned, could be this hard to handle. I remember my first heartbreak. I was 17 years old. I thought that I was in love. I thought...this guy has to be the right guy. He knew all the right things to say, and I was willing to believe all the lines he fed me. Four months later I was crying myself to sleep in my parent's bed as they tried to get me to breathe through it. I just knew it was the end of the world.
I remember the second time I thought I had met "Mr. Right". I thought we had one of those stories that would be cute to tell when we were older. How I didn't understand why he was such a big deal. Or how I thought he was joking when he said that he liked me. I thought I had found this really great guy who could actually be The One. Silly me. He was just interested in the game. I had to pry it out of him that he had gotten a girl friend in the middle of our story. How did I not see this.
I think it's kind of funny, looking back now, how many tears I wasted on those two guys. I put my heart out on the line...thinking they would keep it safe.
This heartbreak that I am going through now is different. This guy started out as my friend. The first few months that I worked at my new job I thought I was going to quit every day. One day I was so upset and I remember going to this guy, this guy that I barely knew, and I cried in front of him. He calmed me down and made me see things rationally. From that point on, he was my friend. We had known each other a year before our friendship turned into flirtation. And for the last two and a half years our friendship has grown into this thing that I don't even know how to define.
There were two other times...February of last year and November of last year...where he hurt me and I cried. I thought things were over. I don't know why this time hurts so bad. I just know that my heart almost feels as though it no longer works the same.
I told him last week that I was going to give him a month. Let him really think about our relationship. If he still doesn't want me...then I'll leave him alone. The truth is...I'm pretty sure that even if I give him a month...he's still not going to pick me. Which is really unfortunate. I think we would have been good together. Obviously, this is just another bump on the road to finding the right guy. Probably the hardest bump I've ever had to go over.
I love this man. Yes. I said it, where other people can read about it. I fell in love. He's smart, funny, a complete nerd (which he would deny vehemently!), cultured, well traveled, driven. He makes me feel alive when I'm with him. There are times when he is a complete ass hole (sorry, there really is no other word for him, I promise) and makes me feel like a moron...but he always redeems himself.
A few months ago I was having a really bad day and he told me I should come over. I had been bugging him about watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. He let me lay on his bed, made me dinner, and then let me watch tv. It's funny how much that meant to me. He probably doesn't think about that night.
He tells me he loves me and that he cares about me, and he doesn't seem to understand that those words don't mean much when there's no action behind them. I am absolutely sure that I will make it through this. I'll get to the other side and know exactly why I had to walk through the pain. I will be stronger. But I'm scared that this is going to keep me from being open to the possibility that someone could actually REALLY love me.
