Fixing the Brokeness

t's hard for me to determine where I'm going and I think that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't really know where I am. You can't truly decipher an equation unless you are given all of the variables needed to solve it. Sometimes I feel as though I am missing a variable, and that this puzzle thing is much more complicated than I imagined. Most days I feel that it would be easier if all of the answers were in the back of the book...to be able to find help in some way...then I remember that I have a Teacher who is trying to teach me the way to solve the problem, and His way is definately not easy...

I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...

That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...

He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...

I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...

Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...

I Am Just Jess

I've never felt bad about my writing...This is the place I go to vent...my haven from the world around me...I write to escape...writing keeps me sane...and it helps me make it through what no one else can...it helps me work through my emotions...

I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...

No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...

Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..