Learning to Forgive

The last two weeks have been about me learning to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do. When we are hurt we like to hold on to it. I know that I've been holding on to the hurt, mostly so that I would continue to feel the pain. I believed that if I stopped hurting then I would remember all of the good stuff, and that I would only open myself up to hurt again.

It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.

When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.

I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.

I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.

If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.

I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!

I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.

I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.

Taking Myself Out of the Game

I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.

I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.

I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.

I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.

I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.

I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.

For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.