Taking Myself Out of the Game

I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.

I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.

I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.

I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.

I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.

I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.

For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.