I think life is one long string of lessons. Those we've learned, those we're learning, and those to be learned. This is my year to learn where my life is headed. I am taking the time to discover where I want to go. I am looking at a few different options, but I know that wherever I go I will be going with the knowledge that I have done my best to be my best.
I want to be more than I am right now. I feel like I have fallen into a life that I never intended to have. I wanted more than this. I have always wanted to be more than this! I do not understand why I can't figure everything out. Why can't I just decide where I want my life to go, and just go there. I feel like I have put my life on hold so long for something I thought would happen, that never did. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to settle into something that I can do for the rest of my life. I hate this feeling of being unsettled. I'm stuck somewhere between who I was and who I need to be. This stage of limbo is unnerving to say the least.
I remember when i was younger thinking that I would find the man of my dreams when I was 18 and get married then and there. Looking back now, I realize how silly that really was, but that's what I had always imagined my life would be. When I was 17 I met a guy who turned my world upside down. He stole my heart, or maybe I gave it to him freely, but I thought that I had found what I had been waiting for my whole life. When he broke up with me everything I experienced with him woke me up from the fantasy I had been living in. I was still a hopeless romantic, but there was a sense of realism that now pervaded that. I tend to think of myself now as a romantic realist. I still want that fantasy, the knight in shining armor, but I know now that the armor might be a little dented. :)
I just wish that I understood more. That I knew where I was headed. That things weren't so confusing and that I could honestly say that I know when I wake up tomorrow I am going to be living a life that I enjoy. Right now there is so much that I don't care for. I don't like my job. I love my friends, but wish I felt more like I fit somewhere. I don't even know what I'm saying really. I just wish I had a better handle on this crazy little thing called life. Maybe the next time I write I'll have at least something figured out...or ironed down...who knows.
