More than occassionally...

Last night I was talking to God. It was a good talk, a really good talk. One of those talks that leaves you feeling satisfied. There are times when I feel that my relationship with God has become like the relationship I have with my friend Christa. She is probably one of the people who knows the most about me. I would tell her anything, and I know that she would never reveal my secrets to anyone. I love every second I spend with her, and we have a give and take relationship. We share equal talking time and genuinely care about what is going on in each others lives. So, that's a good thing, right? Well, you see, Christa and I are very close, and we see each other every Sunday at church, but we both have very busy lives that don't allow us to get together on a regular basis. Instead, we carve out time once every three months or so to spend about five hours drinking coffee and catching up. This works well for us and allows us to maintain an extremely important relationship, but sometimes I feel like that's what we do to God. We make time, every once and a while to meet with God, to catch up and chat.

In contrast, I have my two best friends, my sister Megan and my friend Amanda. I see them both several times a week. I text them more than anyone else and I am constantly, and I do mean constantly, telling them how much they mean to me and how horrible my life would be without them. They are the first ones I go to when I have any sort of news about my life. When I meet a guy...OK, OK, that doesn't really happen, but if it did they would be the first ones I would tell. They are the ones who have seen me cry the most. They love me, despite the fact that I'm crazy, and they aren't afraid to tell me when I've messed up. They have been there for me through thick and thin. I've built these relationships (well, Megan was kind of built in to my life, but we don't have to be as close as we are). They are something that I constantly have to work on, because I don't want to lose either of them.

Now, you have to understand. I wouldn't want to have a life without Christa, but if we spent more time together, we would be closer than we are. Our friendship works well for us. She has her closest friends, and I have mine, but we like having each other as well.

I guess my point is...I want to be one of God's closest friends, and I want Him to be mine too. We get too comfortable with an occasional relationship with God. He becomes that friend that is close, but not close enough to spend every day with. He becomes something that we check off our list of things to do. He should be a constant everyday thing. I want to make Him my constant everyday thing. I no longer want to be comfortable with an occasional relationship with God! He has done so much for me, who am I to think that my time is more important than my time with Him.

I have been so frustrated the past few weeks. I will be the first to say that I am not perfect, that I have messed up and that I am a sinner, but I know what it means to be a Christian. How can we constantly confess God with our tongues and then deny Him with our lives. This is why I have to change. I need to be a true Christian. I don't want to be lukewarm or cold. I want to be on fire. I want to be like Jeremiah...the word of God like a fire shut up in my bones...I want to let it out! God give me the strength to be all that you have called me to be, and to meet with you on a daily basis. Help me build a lasting relationship with you and if I let it slip into something more casual, let my spirit be quickened to it.

God gave everything. We should give nothing less.

Sometimes we have growing pains...

So...I'm almost 28 and I finally feel as though I might be able to be considered an adult. It's funny how we think, when we are younger, that we have it all figured out. Life is going to go a certain way, and we know everything. We know what we want to do, who we want to be with and who we are. We believe that life is a road stretching out before us and that the miles and miles we have to travel before we get to the end are many in number. There is no concept of life being a continual race with the end result being death. To us, death is something that happens when you get to the end of your life, not something that happens when your life has just begun. We are invincible, and we are in complete control.

My life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be. I am NOT a journalist making it in the Big Apple, writing for a magazine. I am NOT married to the man of my dreams, and I am NOT a mother. Instead I AM a strong and independent woman who has goals and ambitions that are yet to be obtained. I AM sure of who I am and I AM on my way to seeing greater things than I ever could have imagined, or even hoped for. My life is NOTHING like I imagined. It is SO MUCH BETTER!

I sat down this afternoon at lunch and talked to my sister about growing. It is not always easy to grow. When we were little and we started to get taller, they called those growing pains. Any area in our lives that demands growth requires pain. Until recently I had put myself into situations where any guy would fit into my plans of a future mate, and if they didn't, I made my life fit around their future plans. Right now, there is a guy in my life who is absolutely amazing. Honestly, I couldn't say one bad thing about him, but I know that his goals and dreams do not line up with my goals and dreams. A few years ago, this wouldn't have mattered. I would have pursued the relationship anyways. I would have gone after it with everything I had, and then I would have been hurt and it wouldn't have ended well. Instead, I have grown in this area. I know now that there is someone amazing out there that will be perfect for him, and that there is someone out there who is amazing and will be perfect for me. (To be fair, the waiting for this to happen, that is not an area in my life I have allowed myself to grow in, but I'm working on it.)

I have gotten to this point in my life where I am comfortable admitting to the fact that I don't know everything. I don't know where my life is going to end up. I don't know who I will spend the rest of my life with and I have no clue when things will fall in to place in every area of my life. I do know that I love my life, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me. It's amazing that it has taken me so long to grow this much, but I am so thankful for the lessons I've learned and for everything that is ahead of me.