My Frustrations in Words

On Saturday, it took every ounce of self control that I possess to NOT kill my mother. It's difficult when you know that someone does something out of love, and yet it infuriates you to no end. I love my mother, and since Saturday I have calmed down a great deal and no longer have the desire to see her meet her end.

Anyone who knows me knows that my singleness is a large factor in who I am as a person. I love it and hate it all at the same time. My family loves me through it, but none of them ever fully understand it. My parents got married when they were twenty, my sister has always had guys wanting to date her and was almost engaged to one guy and is now married to the love of her life, and my brother has been in relationships since he was about 14 years old and is now engaged to the love of his life. Their happiness in love inspires me and lets me know that it is out there, but it tends to put them in a place where they don't truly understand where I'm at.

For the last year or so, my mom has been fixated on me meeting this guy that is in her Masters classes. He went to UCLA (which is pretty impressive in my book) and is currently teaching 6th grade math in Lake Wales (being in Lake Wales/Polk County gives him a negative point [although I am also in Polk County, so I probably shouldn't be too hard on him for that]). I really don't have a problem with meeting him (I would have to say that mom has made it pretty hard for me to say no), and so, this Friday night, I am finally meeting this guy.

Now, I wasn't mad that my mom wanted me to meet him, I was upset with the fact that she told him that it was a set up. MOM! :) I understand her reasoning, I really do. She thought that it wasn't fair that I was meeting him under the presumption that my mom wanted me to "meet" him, and he didn't know about it. STILL...I think the fact that he knows is SO awkward. I wish that I could explain it better, and maybe if I had written this two days ago it would have been clearer. Like I said, I've calmed down since then, so it doesn't really make me quite so upset.

I'm not sure what Friday night will be like. I'm really hoping that it won't be awkward and that it will go swimmingly. :) (I love that word) I guess the only thing I can do is hold my breath and jump in with both feet. Here goes nothing...

The Next New Year

I can't think. My mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts that do not coincide. A fight within myself rages on even though outward appearances deceive the naked eye. Why can't I quiet these voices in my head that seem to hate one another. It constantly feels as though I am that cartoon, the one where angles and devils occupy the shoulders and play a game against themselves. I want to be good. I want to be bad. I feel as though I am losing this battle, no matter which way I choose to go.

There used to be a day when there was be no ambiguous line. I knew right from wrong and I never questioned it. I feel that the older I get the more I use justification to make myself feel better about the choices I make. I am tired of trying to be an ideal. I want to just be myself and stop making excuses for who that is. I haven't always liked myself. In fact, I would say that the majority of my life I couldn't stand being in the same room with myself. I hated who I was, and I never really knew how to change that. In the last few years who I was and who I am have collided into this person who's sure and unsure of who she is. If that's not confusing to anyone, then you are one up on me.

I would like to stand on the other side of this year with the knowledge that I have lived this year with purpose. That I haven't wasted my time by not taking advantage of the opportunities that come my way. I hope that I am able to get something out of this year, even if it is only a better understanding of myself. I can't wait to see where my life takes me. The road ahead is promising...