Quote

I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses

Alone for the Holidays

I read this bulletin from Rachel and wanted to repost it here. It made me cry because I am so many of those things. I hate feeling like I will never be good enough. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. I want, just once, to mean something to someone. I hate the tears that fall down my face, because each one reminds me that I am alone. Will I ever find someone who loves me the way that someone is meant to be loved?

I have only been in love once and I suppose that person knows who they are, but I would die if they ever admitted it. I loved him, and I still do (although in a different way). I'm scared that I will never love anyone else that much (and that REALLY, REALLY scares me). I think more than anything this is why I don't like this time of the year, because, even surrounded by so many people, I feel so very alone.

I truly believe that the only thing left for me to do is give up. I will never find love, and I have to be ok with that. Please don't give me the "Jessica you will find someone," "Jessica you are a beautiful person," "Jessica, everything is going to work out." Honestly, I've heard now for almost six years...I just can't keep hoping only to be continuously disappointed.

Please forgive my Christmas downer, but this is how I feel right now. Struggling for breath and bleary-eyed from tears. I leave with a Merry Christmas.

Until Next Time



-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.


-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the other girl instead.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.


-To every girl that won't settle for the jerk.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.


-To every girl that cries at night because of another HeArTBrEaK.


-To every girl that won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.


-To every girl that just wants to hold hands.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.


-To every girl who just wishes he CARED.


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. (so true!)


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.


-To every girl that believes in her dreams.


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.


-To every girl that has been cheated on because she's not the kind of girl who gives it up to any guy.


-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays wit her emotions but actually CARES about how she feels.


-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.


- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.


**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

Unchained and Unfree

Do you ever feel as though your life is nothing but a paradox? You live in a moment when your being pulled in two different directions. Nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. You want everything and nothing. Your life is pulling you apart and you don't know how to stop it.

My life is constantly pulling me in different directions. I see my life through clouded goggles and I wonder if things will ever be clear again. I know that life is never easy and always difficult, but there are days when I wish I were a child again and I didn't even have to make the simple choices. Have you noticed that the older you get the more responsibility you have? ALWAYS LET YOUR MOM PICK OUT YOUR CLOTHES!!!! I mean really, that is such a simple choice, yet we make it so difficult. What to eat, what to do, where to go, how to live...we begin to be bombarded with choices and we learn that we don't know as much as we always thought we did.

I want to be a child again, when the toughest choice was red or orange (popsicle that is). I feel as though I am free to make my own choices, but bound by society and parental expectations. I want to be free, yet I want to be the child again, where everything is so simple, everything is so easy.

I suppose we shall see. I look forward to the year ahead. I'm sure it will be full of even more adventures and I plan on sharing all of them with you. Stay tuned...this is going to be a wild ride!

Lost in Anticipation

I haven't written in a while, for my few and faithful I do apologize. I guess there really hasn't been a lot going on my life as of recent. I am working on the end of school. I have two more days and then it's over. I haven't spent much time thinking on my guy problems, or lack there of. I guess I have been thinking a lot about my future. Where do I want to go, what do I want to do, when will I ever figure all of this out...I am ready to start a family. I would like to be a mom in the next two to three years...but I am worried that is not the plan for me. I want it to be so badly, but I have this aching feeling that I will never get that opportunity.

I want stop pretending that I am ok with it. Everyone says that it will happen when you least expect it. They say that you will find it when you are satisfied with where you are at...what I want to know is why didn't it. I've been in those places where I was happy with my life, when everything was going great and I wasn't looking for anyone...Why didn't it happen then? Why do I have to keep waiting. This waiting thing is killing me...not waiting for the right person, but waiting to find out whether or not I am ever going to find that person.

I saw my ex tonight. For the first time in almost a year. It was crazy. We didn't really talk, but he reminded me of the failed relationship that I so desperately clung to. I wanted to be able to say I was over everything that happened, I wanted to be able to say that I had moved on, and that there was a man in my life. Not a boy...a man...I wanted to, but instead I was bitterly reminded that I am alone. I have not moved on, I have not moved past it. Who knows, maybe I am scared of commitment. Maybe I am scared that I will never be good enough.

There is another thing that is persistently threatening me. I have the problem with my self-esteem. I see these other girls and think..."Why WOULDN'T a guy rather be with them than me?"...I know that there is so much more that I have to offer than a great body. I have an amazing personality. I get along with so many people. I'm funny, I make people laugh...but I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride...Wishing the day would come sooner...
Jess

Dinner with the "Girls"

Last night I sat at Beef O'Brady's with my good friends Gin and Drea. Talk is never cheap with them, and we maxed out our credit cards last night. There were a few times when I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard! Here are a few quotes from dinner...not that anyone will actually understand our random ramblings...but they sure were funny...and who knows, if you ask I might actually tell you...

"You'll never guess what I found in my parents' bedroom..." - Jess

"It's like eating Chocolate..." - Drea

"You don't want to eat chocolate with your roommate..." - Jess

"Dark Chocolate is the best..." -Drea

"Did you know that women eat more chocolate than men?" - Gin

"Wait, do you mean chocolate...or "chocolate"?" - Drea

Oh ladies...I can't even think of more...well none that wouldn't be embarrassing for me...thanks for the comments...

Jess

Fighting Within...

Last night I felt something stirring within me. I wanted to jump and scream and shout! I have come to a point again where my spirit is sensitive to what is going on around me. I see things and God begins to reveal specifics to me. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I felt something in the pit of my stomach last night. If we as Christians cannot get along, if we cannot turn the other cheek, then how are we to minister to those outside the church, or even in it. We need to begin holding ourselves to a higher standard. Are we living like we should? Are we taking the steps neccessary to be called a Christian?

I believe Satan is trying all he can to tear down the walls of unity in the church, and until we fight against him, he will continue to succeed. I want to see the church begin to heal within, because a broken church cannot minister to a broken people. We must be whole in order to help them become whole. I am ready to take this stand. I am ready to do what it takes to bring unity and wholeness back to Christianity. We cannot take the splinter out of our brother's eye when we ourselves have a plank.

Do not take these words lightly...but take them as a challenge. Join me in this fight and we will stand a better chance.

Keep Him First,
Jess

I don't know...

This weekend has been interesting...and not interesting all in one. On Friday I was home alone. My plan was to stay in my jammies...and watch Harry Potter all night long...but I had cabin fever and needed to get away...so my good friend Gin came and we went to the mall...I got Faith's Christmas present and saw my sister!

Saturday I went up to the church at the butt crack of dawn to watch the kids that didn't show up. I did get to talk to Liz a lot and that was fun! I am glad that she and I are beginning to hang out more. She's a lot of fun and I need more friends...oy with the poodles already...

Today has been good. I don't know...I have this feeling in the pit of my stomache. I feel nervous and anxious all at the same time, and I randomly want to start crying. I hate feeling this way. I am an unexpected ball of emotions and I don't want to blow up at anyone of confuse anyone or make anyone mad...I hate being me...I really genuinely do. I know everyone questions how that could be, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I'm never going to be whole again.

I'm not even talking about just the guy issue, but every time I turn around I feel like I see something else wrong with me. One more thing that I need to fix. One more reason why no one will ever love me. One more reason why things will never be how I want them to be. I don't know...maybe some day everything will fall into place...but maybe not...maybe this is how I will be forever...

My Heart Can't Take Much More...
Jess

(Jing...I calmed down...don't worry about me)