So EMOtional

My students (or former students I should say) always tell me that I am SO Emo...and I even had a comment from a friend the other day that said I never smile. Today has been a rough day, I cried a lot. I think I've wanted to cry for several days now, but for some reason today I couldn't hold back the tears. I try so hard not be as emotional as I am, but I shouldn't have to change that part of me. It's something that makes me who I am. Mostly I cried because I felt SO very alone. It's hard to be where I am at right now, not physically speaking, because I love my house and my job, but I am at this point in my life where I really don't know where I am going.

I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.

Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.

As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.

When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...

I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.

I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.

Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.

Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...

It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...

This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...

lots of love...
Jess

Standing Firm

I was lying out on the veranda tonight. The beauty of the stars literally brought me to tears. God is so amazing! How can people even question His existence? To think that we could all be walking around for no reason is quite disheartening. I don't know. Watching the stars tonight really made me think about a lot of things.

I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.

I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.

He is my Rock...

Giving it away...

I wish I could be all that I know I should be. I know that I should spend more time in prayer and devotion, giving God all of who I am, and letting Him have TOTAL control. I know that I should work out every day and eat better. I know I should find a church here and build a support system around me. I know that I should let go of some situations, because God has better and I'm just not allowing him to give it to me. I know I should spend more time on my manuscript. I know that I should spend less time on the internet. I know...I know...I know...

But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...

When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.

It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!

I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.

That's all there is to say right now.