So EMOtional

My students (or former students I should say) always tell me that I am SO Emo...and I even had a comment from a friend the other day that said I never smile. Today has been a rough day, I cried a lot. I think I've wanted to cry for several days now, but for some reason today I couldn't hold back the tears. I try so hard not be as emotional as I am, but I shouldn't have to change that part of me. It's something that makes me who I am. Mostly I cried because I felt SO very alone. It's hard to be where I am at right now, not physically speaking, because I love my house and my job, but I am at this point in my life where I really don't know where I am going.

I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.

Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.

As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.

When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...

I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.

I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.

Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.

Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...

It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...

This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...

lots of love...
Jess