I have the best family!

Every year at Christmas I am reminded how blessed I am to be in my family. We are crazy, of course, but we love each other so much. I don't know if it's just that my grandparents were super awesome parents, or that we're just naturally awesome. =) I guess that if you start at the beginning, you would start with my grandparents. My Papaw is the kind of man who says what's on his mind. He is what he is, no frills about him. I look up to him so much. I love his bluntness, oh yeah, and the way he pesters my grandmother. I lived with them for six months and the way they interact with each other is priceless. My grandmother is the person who is always right, even when she's wrong. She's opinionated, but I know that more than anything she just loves us! She has an opinion on everything we do and say, but it's her way of showing us love. Then we have my aunts and uncles. They are TOO funny. Each of them, in their own way, brings something different to the family dynamics. I don't know what I would do without them though. They are hilarious. Full of life (among other things), and definitely full of love.

My cousins are the best though! They are the ones that keep things entertaining. Kendra is one of my best friends! She is what keeps me balanced. She and I have always been close and each year, getting to see her, is one of the most exciting things that Christmas brings with it. She is the one that I know will laugh at me and my silliness, no matter what. Then there's Amy...what can I say. It's a good thing God made us cousins, because our parents wouldn't be able to handle us as sisters. She is like another little sister who I have way too much fun with! Everything with us is an inside joke. We can just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking...it's kind of scary actually. =) I am more than blessed to have her in my life. Corrie would be the next one on this very fun list. She's crazy! She's so awesome! She's straightforward and says the things that everyone wants to say but won't! I love her so much. She's growing up so fast. I can't believe she's going to be a cop! CRAZY!!! Dill Pickle! He's insane. I can't believe how tall he is. He has grown up so much. I adore him! Laura, well, she's just Laura. She's so cute because she doesn't get anything! I love it! Playing Apples to Apples with her was way too much fun. I love that girl! Then there's Leah, the little one. What can you say, really? I'm the oldest at 27 and she's the youngest at 10. Everyone else falls in between. We laugh with and love each other! This is what my Christmas is all about...family!

Tell Them What They Want to Hear...

I remember a time when I was younger. A watch was broken. It was a nice watch, but it belonged to either me or my sister. It had a brown wristband, gold framing, and Minnie Mouse with a red polka dot dress in the center of the face. I think I remember all of this in such great detail because it was such a big part of me, to take on what others couldn't, or wouldn't, and because of the many lessons I have gleaned from it over the years. You see, my parents came to us. They wanted to know who had broken the watch. We stood there, each in turn, telling them that we had not been the one to do it. At one point I realized that this would not end until someone admitted to doing it, so, I took up a burden that was not mine and told them that I was the one that broke the watch. I got a spanking for it. One thing I don't remember; if we ever figured out who actually did it.

There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.

I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.

The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.

Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!

40 days until moving day...

God has always taken me exactly where I needed to be to learn exactly what I needed to learn. He has always lead me in the right direction, even when I felt it might be the wrong one. I have learned so much over the last year and a half. I have learned that who I am is exactly who I want to be. I think that is the most important lesson anyone can learn. We always seem to struggle with defining ourselves. I now know who I am. I no longer have to search for the answer to that question.

I am a stronger person. I am wiser. I am happier. I am healthier. I am better.


I am ready to start this next part of my life refreshed and in the right place spiritually. I am so happy with what God has done in my life and what He has shown and taught me about human nature. I can't wait to see what lies ahead because the journey so far has been such an interesting one.

I am going to move back to Bartow and start subbing with the goal to start teaching again next fall. I am going to be working towards my permanent certification and my reading endorsement. I will also be looking into MFA programs in creative writing. I am really excited about all of these things and where my life is headed.


I love you guys!

Here I am. Send me.

Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.

How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.

I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.

God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.

Choosing To Be Me

Feburary...March...April...and now May...

The months have flown by and I have watched each one come and go. I don't know when it was that I lost the desire to write. I don't remember why I haven't posted a new blog in four months, but here I am today with only a few minutes to share the things that are in my head.

I have been running. Running from everything I know I should be. I don't know when it was that I became tired of fighting the good fight, but I threw the towel in. This past weekend I picked it back up. It doesn't matter how many times I have failed in this journey; I know that my God is there, ready and willing to pick me up and put me back on the right road. A friend had an away message up earlier and it said something like this, "God...a myth created so that we don't have to deal with the fact that we are responsible for our own actions." I wrote back that just because there IS a God, doesn't mean we aren't responsible for our own actions. Free will is one of things that makes God so great. I also said that His forgiveness and mercy are what make Him AMAZING! I truly believe that.

I get to choose how I live my life, and recently I have chosen not to care. I just gave up somewhere along the way, and I let the enemy have way too much control. This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. I am coming upon the 6th year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Satan always knows that I am weakest point during this time, even when I don't know it. I have decided that this battle is over. I will no longer fight the enemy on this one. I've read the book, I know who wins. I will take my victory today thank you very much. I refuse to play this game with him. I'm sure there are times when he thinks he has won, but not anymore. I will put on my FULL ARMOR, and stop letting him hit me with the fiery arrows.

Today is a new day, and I will not be weighed down by the attacks of the enemy any longer. Today I choose to hold my head up high and know that God has something amazing in store for me. I'm not going to fight this battle of low self-esteem any more. I will not try to overcompensate by putting myself out there, thinking that the attention I receive is real. Instead, I choose today, to be me!

Learning to Forgive

The last two weeks have been about me learning to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do. When we are hurt we like to hold on to it. I know that I've been holding on to the hurt, mostly so that I would continue to feel the pain. I believed that if I stopped hurting then I would remember all of the good stuff, and that I would only open myself up to hurt again.

It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.

When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.

I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.

I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.

If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.

I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!

I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.

I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.

Taking Myself Out of the Game

I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.

I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.

I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.

I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.

I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.

I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.

For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.

It's Been Awhile

I feel as though I have written in ages. It's not that I stopped having anything to say, it's just that most of my writing comes from the pain in my life. I honestly have never been happier than I am at the time in my life, but I don't want that to be the cause of a lack of writing.

It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!

Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!

I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!

I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!

Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.