I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I understand that I am a people pleaser and that I need to learn to say no when it comes to certain things (I’ve actually become much better at this). I also know that I enjoy being with people. I love to socialize. I LOVE to talk! I also know that there are times when I have to hide within myself and break away from the usual in order to protect my sanity and so that I don’t go off on people for no reason. I know my heart. I know the things I need to work on, and the things that are in my past. I know myself pretty well.
So, why is it that I am listening to what everyone else is saying about me??????
The last few months I have grown up so much. Yes, I still act crazy silly, but I will be doing that when I’m 100 years old. That is something that will never change about me. But this year is my year for growth, my year of learning, and my year to rise above the valley I have been in for the last three or four years. I have worked so hard to renew a strong relationship with Christ. I have built up my friendships so that I would have a strong support system around me. I have stayed away from things that I know I don’t need in my life. So why am I letting myself get pulled down?
I am so frustrated right now. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that the things people say they say in jest, or even sometimes in love, but I just don’t know how much more of it I can handle. I keep thinking that I will be able to just let it slide, to just let it all go in one ear and out the other, but I can’t. I keep thinking, maybe I do like him. Maybe I do want this. And then I remember that I don’t like him like that, and that I have been so happy on my own, and that all I really want to do is be me, on my own, by myself. That is what I want.
Do I think, eventually, way down the road, something could possibly happen with this person? Sure, there’s a small chance, but I know myself really well. If I think about it as a possibility now, I will obsess over it. I will go out of my way to be where he is. I will constantly be thinking about how it will all work out. I have been down this road before. I know the way that I work. I love my friends and their interest in all of this, but I know that if I even THINK about it being a possibility now, it will definitely NOT be a possibility later.
Right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn things as a single person. There are things I still need to learn, things I still need to get through, things I still need to push through. I can’t do that if this is on my mind. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind and put somewhere else. I need to not think about him. I need to not wonder. I need to not second guess myself. Instead, I need to focus on God. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on everything else, because that is what I need to do. I just need someone to understand that, even if it’s a random person who reads this and has no clue who I am. I need them to read this and understand me. I just need ONE person who understands me. That is all I need.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Revelations...
There are just times when things hit us like a ton of bricks. Something that should have been so obvious hits us right between our eyes and we feel like idiots for not having seen it before. There are things in my life that I have let dictate who I am, or where I am going, or even the way I think. I have let the thoughts and voices of a few people become the noise that I listen to, when what I really need to do is settle the voices and listen to the only one that matters.
I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.
The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.
I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.
I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.
The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.
I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.
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