This is What I Need...

I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I understand that I am a people pleaser and that I need to learn to say no when it comes to certain things (I’ve actually become much better at this). I also know that I enjoy being with people. I love to socialize. I LOVE to talk! I also know that there are times when I have to hide within myself and break away from the usual in order to protect my sanity and so that I don’t go off on people for no reason. I know my heart. I know the things I need to work on, and the things that are in my past. I know myself pretty well.

So, why is it that I am listening to what everyone else is saying about me??????

The last few months I have grown up so much. Yes, I still act crazy silly, but I will be doing that when I’m 100 years old. That is something that will never change about me. But this year is my year for growth, my year of learning, and my year to rise above the valley I have been in for the last three or four years. I have worked so hard to renew a strong relationship with Christ. I have built up my friendships so that I would have a strong support system around me. I have stayed away from things that I know I don’t need in my life. So why am I letting myself get pulled down?

I am so frustrated right now. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that the things people say they say in jest, or even sometimes in love, but I just don’t know how much more of it I can handle. I keep thinking that I will be able to just let it slide, to just let it all go in one ear and out the other, but I can’t. I keep thinking, maybe I do like him. Maybe I do want this. And then I remember that I don’t like him like that, and that I have been so happy on my own, and that all I really want to do is be me, on my own, by myself. That is what I want.

Do I think, eventually, way down the road, something could possibly happen with this person? Sure, there’s a small chance, but I know myself really well. If I think about it as a possibility now, I will obsess over it. I will go out of my way to be where he is. I will constantly be thinking about how it will all work out. I have been down this road before. I know the way that I work. I love my friends and their interest in all of this, but I know that if I even THINK about it being a possibility now, it will definitely NOT be a possibility later.

Right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn things as a single person. There are things I still need to learn, things I still need to get through, things I still need to push through. I can’t do that if this is on my mind. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind and put somewhere else. I need to not think about him. I need to not wonder. I need to not second guess myself. Instead, I need to focus on God. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on everything else, because that is what I need to do. I just need someone to understand that, even if it’s a random person who reads this and has no clue who I am. I need them to read this and understand me. I just need ONE person who understands me. That is all I need.