Revelations...

There are just times when things hit us like a ton of bricks. Something that should have been so obvious hits us right between our eyes and we feel like idiots for not having seen it before. There are things in my life that I have let dictate who I am, or where I am going, or even the way I think. I have let the thoughts and voices of a few people become the noise that I listen to, when what I really need to do is settle the voices and listen to the only one that matters.

I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.

The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.

I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.