Decisions

I have never been good at making decisions. I always just went with whatever fell into my lap and never thought much about what I would do if I were faced with any real decisions. This is why I have had such a hard time deciding what I will do when it comes to my masters degree. It has been one of the biggest decisions of my life and it is causing me to stress more than I think I ever have (which is saying a lot if you know me).

I don't know why decisions have never been easy for me to make, but I have always taken the easy path. As I look ahead I am scared out of my mind that I can't see past the bends in the road. What might be ahead scares me more than just standing still. I hate that though. I think that this stagnancy is what is holding me back and keeping me in the dark. I love the thought of moving forward, but my greatest fear is that I will take the wrong path and end up making a U-turn that costs me time and effort. I wish my fear were not so paralyzing. It keeps me from doing anything, which is just as bad as making the wrong choice.

I guess I will take a deep breath and jump, and hope that I land in the deep end and not get cut off in shallow water. I don't know if I will make the right decision, but I just know that I have to make one.

Maybe I'm the Moron

Even though I don't think of myself as a beautiful woman, or that I even think of myself as a woman at all, I know that guys in general find me attractive. In the last couple of years I have had my fair share of suitors. None of them are even close to what I would want in an actual relationship, but they like me none the less and keep me on my toes. Most of them are nothing but flirtations that don't even have a small hope of going anywhere, and then there are the few who actually like me more than I like them (which is odd to me).

Then there is the one. I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. When I am with him I'm happy. I have tried to fight the feelings...or hope they just go away, but they just never do. He's the one who's a moron...and I know that he is. I would lay my life down for him and I hate that about me. I hate that even though I fight these feelings, most of the time I just don't want to.

And he confuses me. I thought that things were great...that we could just be friends...but then he always wants more, but not everything. I just don't understand. I know that the last girl did a real number on him...that she ripped his heart out and did a dance around it and then on it. I wish I could fix it and that he would let me. But he won't. And so I give my heart to someone who can't give me theirs. I don't understand why I can't let him go. And therein lies what makes ME the moron.

Eventually I will get past this, and I will meet an amazing man who is right for me. I will let go of this guy...this guy who had me from the first moment and who can't seem to let go. I am moving towards a new chapter in my life and need for his new stage to begin without anything holding me down.