It has been over two weeks since my last post. I am apalled that I have not kept up with my weekly rantings, but the last two weeks have been unusually strange. In my last update I was so upset, everything seemed to be going wrong. I have had a hard time trying to figure out my life, what I want and where I want to go, but things seem to be coming around.
I will be moving in a little over three weeks to the Bluegrass State, home of the Wildcats, birthplace or yours truly. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I love this feeling, and I hate it. As one chapter ends, another begins, and life as I have come to know it for these past six years will no longer be the same. I look foward to what lies ahead and I face it with the assurance that God is in complete control.
My days have been filled with joy for the last couple of weeks and I can't wait to continue on this journey called life. While this might seem short, I know that it speaks the volumes that are within my mind right now. I assure that the next few weeks will be filled with posts chronicling my transition between sunshine and bluegrass. Stay tuned, I'm sure things will get interesting.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Anxious and Alone
Right now my life is on a crash course, just asking to come spiriling down to an ugly halt. Every day I wake up and try to go about my life as though there is no need to worry, but inevitably the stress and axiety catch up with me and all I can think about is how badly I'm going to mess everything up. I know, I know, I shouldn't worry about things like that. We all mess up and we all have choices, but for me life seems to be overwhelming right now. I don't know what I will do when the time finally comes to make that last choice. Do I go or do I stay? More than anything right now, I just feel like running away.
Most of this weekend I've thought about my life and where I am headed. I keep thinking that I have it figured out, that I know exactly what I want, and then just as quickly it is gone and my mind has gone somewhere else. I live each day in a constant state of anxiety. Always wondering, always worrying. I want to care, but then I don't. I am so tired of thinking that I would love to just flip the switch and turn my brain off right now. It would work well for me. I over analyze, and my life seems to be more trouble than its worth at the moment. Don't think that I want to end my life...while that is the easy way out, it is not the out that I want. I am just tired of trying to figure it out. More and more, all I want is to leave, to escape, and to never look back.
Maybe I am doomed to a life of ordinary, and maybe I will never escape, but I know that I have to try. Because if I don't, then I will always wonder.
Most of this weekend I've thought about my life and where I am headed. I keep thinking that I have it figured out, that I know exactly what I want, and then just as quickly it is gone and my mind has gone somewhere else. I live each day in a constant state of anxiety. Always wondering, always worrying. I want to care, but then I don't. I am so tired of thinking that I would love to just flip the switch and turn my brain off right now. It would work well for me. I over analyze, and my life seems to be more trouble than its worth at the moment. Don't think that I want to end my life...while that is the easy way out, it is not the out that I want. I am just tired of trying to figure it out. More and more, all I want is to leave, to escape, and to never look back.
Maybe I am doomed to a life of ordinary, and maybe I will never escape, but I know that I have to try. Because if I don't, then I will always wonder.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I Deserve Better
This entire semester has been one battle after the next. I have battled for my life, my sanity and my dignity. Mainly I have battled with my feelings and emotions. While in my head I knew that I was asking for heartache, my heart could not catch up with my head fast enough. I still loved him, not in the "I'm in love" kind of way, I don't know that I was ever at that point, but I do know that I loved him. He meant a lot to me, and when there is no closure things tend to get blurry and feelings get involved, even when you don't want them to.
The last two weeks have been a living hell because I felt as though things were resolved, and just like that the wounds were opened again. We asked for it. We put ourselves in a situation where there was no other option than to be together, but it was his attempt at making me feel like it was more that hurt. I told him I was fine just being friends, and that's it, but then he made me believe he wanted more. All I could do was worry about him. I didn't want to, but I did. Last Friday after we talked I wrote this letter, telling him exactly how I felt and on Sunday I bought a card and wrote some more, and on Monday I put the letter in the mail.
It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. All day I was nervous and anxious and thought that I would explode. I wanted him to hate me, to never want to have anything to do with me again, because that would have made it easier. But when I saw him on Monday night and he came up to me and put his hand on my face and looked at me the way he did, I was so confused. I got into the van, drove away and then I yelled! I was so mad, that wasn't how things were supposed to happen.
Yesterday he came into the office and we talked for a long time. It was hard. I cried, and he almost cried, and at the end of the conversation I told him that I deserve better, and I know I will get better. And he agreed. It was hard, and it hurt, but I knew that it had to be done. I basically told him that he needed to leave me alone. He does things, and I know he doesn't realize it, but those things hurt and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. And so I lose a friend this week, and someone that I have cared about for quite some time. But it's true I do deserve better.
The last two weeks have been a living hell because I felt as though things were resolved, and just like that the wounds were opened again. We asked for it. We put ourselves in a situation where there was no other option than to be together, but it was his attempt at making me feel like it was more that hurt. I told him I was fine just being friends, and that's it, but then he made me believe he wanted more. All I could do was worry about him. I didn't want to, but I did. Last Friday after we talked I wrote this letter, telling him exactly how I felt and on Sunday I bought a card and wrote some more, and on Monday I put the letter in the mail.
It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. All day I was nervous and anxious and thought that I would explode. I wanted him to hate me, to never want to have anything to do with me again, because that would have made it easier. But when I saw him on Monday night and he came up to me and put his hand on my face and looked at me the way he did, I was so confused. I got into the van, drove away and then I yelled! I was so mad, that wasn't how things were supposed to happen.
Yesterday he came into the office and we talked for a long time. It was hard. I cried, and he almost cried, and at the end of the conversation I told him that I deserve better, and I know I will get better. And he agreed. It was hard, and it hurt, but I knew that it had to be done. I basically told him that he needed to leave me alone. He does things, and I know he doesn't realize it, but those things hurt and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. And so I lose a friend this week, and someone that I have cared about for quite some time. But it's true I do deserve better.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Next To You
I love that song. I have been listening to it over and over. I hate that I like it, but it is how I have felt recently. I think I am somewhat scared of what I could become. If I just let loose and did what I wanted to at the exact moment I wanted to do it, I would not be the same person that everyone sees me as. I am battling being true to who I was created to be, or being what I want to be at this moment in life.
This weekend has been emotionally hard for me. Friday I had a talk with a friend of mine, where I expressed concern for a problem they are facing. I care so much about this person, and it tears me apart inside to know what they are going through. This person has been everything to me. Now all I want to be is there for them. It doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things, but in my heart it makes complete sense. On Saturday I found out that one of my sister's ex-boyfriends died in a car accident. He had been drinking and so had the driver. I was in the middle of watching Pearl Harbor when it all just hit me, and I thought about my friend and all that they are going through right now, and it tore me to pieces. I sat there and bawled!
This friend of mine scares me. They have changed, and I know that, but I still see that part of them that I fell in love with. The same dreams and desires that once kept them going are still there, it's just that they are covered by a layer of hurt and heartache. They mean a great to deal to me, and it will be hard to let them go, but I know right now that God needs me to be somewhere else. I cried out to God this weekend, and it felt so good.
My head seemed to clear and the life that I so desperatly have tried to cling on to emerged. I feel better than I have in a long time. Right now, my goal is to focus on the plans God has layed before me. I will conquer and overcome, and I am not afraid.
This weekend has been emotionally hard for me. Friday I had a talk with a friend of mine, where I expressed concern for a problem they are facing. I care so much about this person, and it tears me apart inside to know what they are going through. This person has been everything to me. Now all I want to be is there for them. It doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things, but in my heart it makes complete sense. On Saturday I found out that one of my sister's ex-boyfriends died in a car accident. He had been drinking and so had the driver. I was in the middle of watching Pearl Harbor when it all just hit me, and I thought about my friend and all that they are going through right now, and it tore me to pieces. I sat there and bawled!
This friend of mine scares me. They have changed, and I know that, but I still see that part of them that I fell in love with. The same dreams and desires that once kept them going are still there, it's just that they are covered by a layer of hurt and heartache. They mean a great to deal to me, and it will be hard to let them go, but I know right now that God needs me to be somewhere else. I cried out to God this weekend, and it felt so good.
My head seemed to clear and the life that I so desperatly have tried to cling on to emerged. I feel better than I have in a long time. Right now, my goal is to focus on the plans God has layed before me. I will conquer and overcome, and I am not afraid.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Choices
For those of you who know me well, you are aware that I am obsessed with Dawson's Creek and all things WB. I was scanning through some quotes from random episodes of this particular series and ran across this dialogue between Jack and Joey. I believe this is quite fitting for what I am going through these days, minus the "sleep with Pacey" comment:
Jack : Did it ever occur to you that you're so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you've never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices?
Joey : Thanks Jack. That's helpful.
Jack : That's the point. You don't need help. There's nothing to figure out here. There's only what you feel.
Joey : What I feel is fear.
Jack : I'm not telling you to sleep with Pacey...
Joey : But...
Jack : All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. See Joey, the kind of fear you're talking about... sometimes it's how you know what's worthwhile.
So maybe the fact that I am scared about the future is ok. I kept thinking that I had to have it all figured out and I have been so afraid to make a choice because it might be the wrong one. I like the thought that there isn't a right or a wrong, just a choice. Now the thing is I need to choose.
Jack : Did it ever occur to you that you're so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you've never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices?
Joey : Thanks Jack. That's helpful.
Jack : That's the point. You don't need help. There's nothing to figure out here. There's only what you feel.
Joey : What I feel is fear.
Jack : I'm not telling you to sleep with Pacey...
Joey : But...
Jack : All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. See Joey, the kind of fear you're talking about... sometimes it's how you know what's worthwhile.
So maybe the fact that I am scared about the future is ok. I kept thinking that I had to have it all figured out and I have been so afraid to make a choice because it might be the wrong one. I like the thought that there isn't a right or a wrong, just a choice. Now the thing is I need to choose.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Being Real With Myself
Every day my life seems to be going more in the right direction. I have decided what I want to do with my life, and now the only question lies in how I will accomplish my goal. I have decions to make and while I know they won't be easy, I am confident that I will make the right ones. I have been struggling for a long time, and now all I want to do is feel at peace.
This weekend was interesting to say the least. I let my Inner Desires out to run loose. I had so much fun, and I don't regret anything. I think sometimes it is good to let yourself just be real. So many times we hide what we want, afraid that we will hurt someone or we will get hurt. I am tired of living in fear, and this weekend I let my fears disappear.
My heart hangs on a delicate balance at times, but I have decided to put a stronger hold on it. I want to think with my brain for a while, and not let my heart control me. I am tired of questioning myself, my desires, and my reasons. I want to make choices and not look back and wonder what if. This is my new outlook, and I don't care if I offend anyone, or do something others don't agree with. This is my life, and I am tired of living it the way others decide. I will move on, and I will move forward. That is my new desire, my new goal.
I want to be real with myself. I no longer want to live the way others think I should, I want to live for me. This is my life, and I will be real. I am tired of the fake people in my life, and I don't want to be the same as they are. I need to be who I need to be right now, and if anyone disagrees, screw 'em. I just need to be for me! I will not back, and I will not give up.
This weekend was interesting to say the least. I let my Inner Desires out to run loose. I had so much fun, and I don't regret anything. I think sometimes it is good to let yourself just be real. So many times we hide what we want, afraid that we will hurt someone or we will get hurt. I am tired of living in fear, and this weekend I let my fears disappear.
My heart hangs on a delicate balance at times, but I have decided to put a stronger hold on it. I want to think with my brain for a while, and not let my heart control me. I am tired of questioning myself, my desires, and my reasons. I want to make choices and not look back and wonder what if. This is my new outlook, and I don't care if I offend anyone, or do something others don't agree with. This is my life, and I am tired of living it the way others decide. I will move on, and I will move forward. That is my new desire, my new goal.
I want to be real with myself. I no longer want to live the way others think I should, I want to live for me. This is my life, and I will be real. I am tired of the fake people in my life, and I don't want to be the same as they are. I need to be who I need to be right now, and if anyone disagrees, screw 'em. I just need to be for me! I will not back, and I will not give up.
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