Next To You

I love that song. I have been listening to it over and over. I hate that I like it, but it is how I have felt recently. I think I am somewhat scared of what I could become. If I just let loose and did what I wanted to at the exact moment I wanted to do it, I would not be the same person that everyone sees me as. I am battling being true to who I was created to be, or being what I want to be at this moment in life.

This weekend has been emotionally hard for me. Friday I had a talk with a friend of mine, where I expressed concern for a problem they are facing. I care so much about this person, and it tears me apart inside to know what they are going through. This person has been everything to me. Now all I want to be is there for them. It doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things, but in my heart it makes complete sense. On Saturday I found out that one of my sister's ex-boyfriends died in a car accident. He had been drinking and so had the driver. I was in the middle of watching Pearl Harbor when it all just hit me, and I thought about my friend and all that they are going through right now, and it tore me to pieces. I sat there and bawled!

This friend of mine scares me. They have changed, and I know that, but I still see that part of them that I fell in love with. The same dreams and desires that once kept them going are still there, it's just that they are covered by a layer of hurt and heartache. They mean a great to deal to me, and it will be hard to let them go, but I know right now that God needs me to be somewhere else. I cried out to God this weekend, and it felt so good.

My head seemed to clear and the life that I so desperatly have tried to cling on to emerged. I feel better than I have in a long time. Right now, my goal is to focus on the plans God has layed before me. I will conquer and overcome, and I am not afraid.