My life has been a whirlwind of events since the last time I had a chance to write. My little brother started college and moved into his dorm. I can't believe how grown up he is. He also has this new girlfriend who is super sweet and really likes him. They are a very cute couple (not that it matters, but it doesn't hurt). Well, at any rate, I like her and we have added her into our family. Meg is working at Victoria's and going to school full time as well as doing an internship with Lake Wales Hospital. She is as busy as ever. No man in her life right now, but she knows there is more to life at the moment than that. Mom has taken on another job and is working all the time. She usually comes in from one job with enough time to change and make it to the next. Dad has started his internship. He loves it and we can't wait for him to graduate (neither can he!).
I am teaching now. I have a full time job teaching 7th grade reading. It is definately interesting. I just finished my first full week with the students and I am so tired. But I guess I could say it is in a good way. I have already established most of the good ones from the bad, but I am trying to give them all a chance and pull them out of their boxes and into the class as a whole.
Besides my new job I have also experienced a renewed passion in my spiritual life. I have been praying regularly and even reading my Bible, almost every day (I'm still working on that one). We recently had Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames at the church and the first week we did it I had a need prayed over, something that has been holding me down for years, and it was broken that week. I have not had the same weight of sin over me and I am able to breathe for the first time in a long time. God has been so good and I can only thank him for what he is doing. I love him so much.
I think the one area that I am failing in right now is in my desire for a relationship. I am trying, with all of my heart, to trust God, but at the same time I feel like I keep falling further and fruther into a pit of despair. I know that I still have plenty of time to get married and have children, but at the same time, there is a large part of me that is shouting "When?" If you know me, you know this is something I continually struggle with. I seem to always find myself wishing and hoping for that life long relationship to begin. The thing that I see right now is that I want to get over my low self image or esteem. I keep saying, "If only I were pretty." Or, "That girl is much prettier than me, why wouldn't he want to be with her instead?" and I come up with a million reasons why that guy shouldn't be with me, but one time, just one time. I would like to think I was the best thing for him. My heart hurts, and the tears that I want to cry are inummerable. Why can't I just be content? Why do the longings continue to grow stronger? I want out of this. If it isn't going to happen then I want it to be over, no more desires for a family, no more desires for a husband, no more desires for that companionship. My heart hurts to think about it, and I don't know what else to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I think my biggest fear right now is that I will never have that thing which, right now, I long for almost more than anything else.
Someday my life will seem like it has reached some level of normalcy again, and when that day comes I will let you know. Until then I will keep you posted.
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