Trials

My life is generally nothing but a mass of confusing gestures that never seem to point in any clear direction. I have faced many trials along the way...and today I sat with a friend reliving many of them. I can't believe that God has allowed me to experice so much pain, and yet at the same time...I am blessed that the pain I have experienced is nothing in comparison to what so many have faced. I have not experienced the lost of a loved one...I have not experienced the pain of abuse...I have not experienced the trials of divorce...I have been loved...and I have been conforted...I have friends that love me...

I guess I am saying these things in order for us to realize that those things in our lives that we think are great trials...are generally trivial compared to what so many others are facing in our world these days...I don't want to be consumed by my "problems" because in all actuality I should be focused on the problem that people are dying every day and going to hell...that's what I should be concerned with...not where my life is going to be ten days from now...ten weeks from now...or ten years from now...God wants me focused on the work that He has for me right now...I don't want to let distractions get in my way of accomplishing those things which He has set out for me to do...

Keep fighting the good fight...and remember that when you think you are going through something you can't stand through...God is on the other side waiting to catch you if you fall...

Waiting for the Amazing...

The life we dream for ourselves is not always the reality that God has in store...but may I put a question to you? Don't you believe that what God has planned is so much better than what we could imagine. I keep telling myself that there is something amazing out there for me...and someday...as long as I let God lead my steps then He will bring me a dream that I could never achieve in my own strength...

He is such an amazing God and I know that He has so much in store for me...I don't want to miss out on the best God has in order to get a temporary dose of today...I am ready for God's blessing...not the one that I wish for myself...I have been told today that I am beautiful and that I deserve the best God can give me...I totally agree...and I am tired of relying on yesterday's promises...I want to rely on the promise of today...

A friend told me tonight that each day that goes by is one day closer to what God has in store for me...how amazing is that thought?!?! I can't wait to see what He has...because I know that it is going to be amazing...it can be nothing less...

Things About Me...

So I've been tagged. The game is that if you get tagged you have to write six random or just odd quirks about yourself and than you tag six other people to do the same....sooooo..here goes,

1. I have low self-esteem but hide behind a mask of confidence that fools others into believing that I am self-assured.

2. I am scared that I am never going to find someone that will love me as much as I love them.

3. I am currently writing a manuscript that I hope to get published in the next year or two.

4. I love cats, but cannot have them because my mom is allergic.

5. I scored the highest in the area of logic on my IQ test.

6. I almost dropped out of school my Sophomore year of college to move to NYC and audition for Broadway!

New People...

Since I have moved back from Kentucky God has begun to strategically place new people in my life. I was thinking tonight how greatful I am when He allows my path to cross with that of others. Dan, my "cool" new friend, was at drama practice with us tonight and then went with us to Taco Bell...and I was just thankful that God allowed us to know each other. His roommate is another one of those people. It is so crazy, because I have known them less than a week, and yet I feel like I have known them longer. They are both amazing guys and I am so happy that I know them.

Another person God has brought in to my life recently is my good friend Faith...and she has been a blessing that I can't even begin to explain. Honestly...she helped save me. I mean that...I don't think she knows how she effected my life...

But really...I have been blessed with amazing friends in this journey called life. My new ones and my old ones have each made an impact on my life. They have each made me stronger and pushed me to be who I am today. I don't know where I would be today without any of them.

I thank those of you who call me friend for being the same for me. You have no idea what you have done for me. I love you all!

Learning It's Ok to Hurt

I am writing on here because I know that no one actually ever sees this online journal. I guess I just need to get this out there, to have the words written down somewhere so that I know that it's real, not just something I have imagined. My last entry was written about four or five months ago...and it is funny that that particular entry was in reference to the same guy who I talk about today. You see, for seven months I have known this guy, he was funny and he made me laugh and then the more time I spent with him the more I liked him...until I felt what I wrote in my last entry.
The funny thing is that around that time...every other girl I talked to also had a thing for him, or were trying to set someone they knew up with him...and I thought...I don't have a chance, so I'm not going to even think about it. I stopped thinking about him and I went on with life. I saw him at church from time to time, but it wasn't until about two months ago that I started talking to him and then he became my friend on my myspace and that was nice, but still I didn't think anything of it...everyone is my friend on myspace...
I started seeing this guy that I had gone to school with. It wasn't anything big, we just went out a couple of times and one of those times happened to be at the same restraunt where the guy I am talking about works. He saw us there and he did this awkward we're best friends thing...and I even told the guy I was with that I didn't know him well and thought it was strange...of course in the back of my mind I was thinking how interesting it all was...and then to make things even worse I spent the whole night trying not to look around for him...but instead I tried really hard to focus on the guy I was with...I was so distracted...but I didn't want anyone to notice...I think I pulled it off pretty well...
The following day I recieved a "Boyfriend Application" from this guy that I had been interested in for months...and I couldn't believe it...I thought it had to be a joke and so I took it as such...it wasn't until last week that he informed me that it hadn't been a joke. It's crazy that it has been almost a month since we went to Downtown Disney and that we have been talking that long...
Unfortunately for me all good things must come to an end...Last week we sat down and had a three hour conversation...I sat there and listened as he explained about this girl who was once in his life who changed him forever...when she ended the relationship it was devestating to him...I understood...He was hurt...He said that it had effected every other relationship he had been in...But he didn't want to do that to me...he didn't want to burn bridges with me...but he had to figure out what was going on...I said I understood...because I did...There is so much that complicates this whole issue...and I don't think I even know half of what complicates it...but he wants to be there for her...he wants to be with someone enough that even if this isn't right he's going to do it anyways...I just hate this feeling...Wrong time wrong place...why didn't he just leave me alone? If he knew that it was so complicated why did he ever pursue anything with me? I just don't understand that...
I don't want to be mad right now, and I do not want to keep crying...but when's it going to be my turn...when am I going to get the guy? I know that there has to be someone amazing out there for me...but why did I have to open up again? Why did I have to think I could love him? I just want to pretend like this last month hasn't happened...I mean...it probably wouldn't even hurt so bad if I didn't feel like he was ignoring me...I hate guys...they are so good at making you believe they are so wonderful...but it's all a lie...I don't want to be lied to anymore...I can't write anymore because I feel like my heart getting ready to explode!

God is Good...

All the time...and All the Time...God is good!!!

So this last week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Today I decided that nothing really matters unless I am giving my all to God. Last night I layed in bed crying out to God to help me understand why I am going through what I am going through...and I realized that I am being strengthened. When you work out for the first time in a long time, your muscles feel the pain, but they are being strengthened, and the next time it won't hurt so bad. I will go through all of the pain that I have to in order to be strong for my God.

Friday I had an excitement that hasn't been equaled in a long time. Just ask Candace and Andrew...I was unstoppable. Andrew said I preached a 30 minute message in 2 minutes...It was great...but I am so excited about what God is doing. I am nowhere near where I want to be with Him right now, but I know that if I keep seeking Him with all of my heart that He is going to pour out His blessings on me in a way that I have never known...IT BEGINS is something I am trying to live daily. I will not give up on my dreams and I will not let the enemy distract me from what God has called me to!

Don't let the enemy win...because that is exactly what he wants. God is amazing and He loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us. I don't know about you, but sacrificing my child so that you could live...I don't think it is something I would be willing to do. I want to live as close to Him as I can...and so that is my goal right now...to love a life that is pleasing to God...I want to be a righteous woman of God...With prayers that have power!

It's Going to Keep Beginning

Today has been a very interesting day! I can't even begin to descibe the joy that I feel that this exact moment!!! It was funny...on the way to work today I was praying that God would make me feel better...and I started feeling really goofy...but in a good way...I am so scared right now that none of this blog is going to make much sense...but I'm going to keep writing anyways...

I really had a good day at work...even the bad moments weren't so bad...and I am so thankful that God has begun to give me a new attitude towards teaching...I mean...I truly do love my students...and today was no exception...

This afternoon things have gotten even better. I can't contain this happiness...God is doing something amazing and I want to be a part of it!!! A friend of mine sent me a message today and I screamed, I was so happy...She isn't from Bartow...she hasn't been at youth...but she has caught on to IT BEGINS!!! I am so excited about what God is beginning...I just can't explain it...but I don't have to...God is moving and you need to either jump in or move out of the way!

Keep running towards this goal because He is doing something...I don't know where this is going to lead me...but I am so intrigued to find out...

IT BEGINS!!!

On Being Single

Why am I 24 and still single? This question was posed to me the other night and since then I have taken a lot of time to try and discover the answer. This is not an easy question to answer because I honestly never thought I would reach this point. I always thought that I would meet the man of my dreams in college and that he would propse and we would get married near or after graduation. Alas, this dream proved false and I ended up making my way in life much different than I had planned.

I guess I should start somewhere near the beginning. You see, I have always had a big heart and as such have loved with everything that I have. When I was a child, the man I thought hung the moon stopped loving me, or so I thought. As a child I thought my grandfather was pretty much everything. He taught me to swim, he had butterscotch, he let me play with Barbie's in the play room...He was amazing! But as a 9 year old little girl I was told that he never wanted to see me again. I remember it all so vividly. My Aunt Dawn holding me in the driveway as my grandfather screamed at my mother. It took me years to heal from those scars. I thought that it must have been something I did that would drive him away. I never realized (until much, much later) that it was never my fault.

As I grew up there was never really the opportunity for me to be in relationships. I remember a couple of times when I liked a guy, or my friends said a guy liked me, but it never worked out for anything to happen. When I moved to Florida I met this guy who seemed pretty amazing. I didn't discover until later that he was at the end of a long and messy relationship and I got in on the tail end of it. He was the kind of guy who knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He really swept me away. I was young and naive and thought that they first guy I dated would be the guy I married. Little did I know that wasn't how it worked out. Don't get me wrong...I am ever so glad that it didn't!

In college it became a game that I wasn't good at. I had Scott, and he was my stand in boyfriend. We never did anything, just hung out, but he was my umbrella. As long as I had him I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend. I think there was also the intimidation factor. If a guy had dated me in college he would have been known as "Jessica Buchanan's boyfriend" because I was in student government and everyone knew who I was. It was hard to be in the center of it all and yet feel so alone.

Because of the many times I was hurt, by family, friends, and guys...I learned to put up a wall. I rarely let my gaurd down because I never wanted to get hurt. My life became about survival, and I was ok with that.

Beyond that, I have never actually met a man who could be the spiritual head of my household, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved, and wanted me as much as I wanted him. I usually tell people that I have been in love once...to someone who never knew I loved him, and never could have loved me back (at least not the same way)...but I know that what is out there is going to be so much greater than what I felt with him...

I am not really sure if this actually answered the question, but maybe if gave some insight in to my current state of solo status. I am mostly content in where I am right now, don't get me wrong...and most of you know this...I would love it if the right man were to walk in my life and be all that I have needed for so long...but I am going to be ok even if that doesn't happen right now...I figure...I've made it this long...what's a little while longer...

Hoping for sooner rather than later...
Jess

Moving

Well...tonight I moved into my new room! I have been sleeping on the couch for the last several months (partly my choice), but now I actually have a room that is all mine. I have also been going through my clothes because I now have a closet...and can I tell you...I have a lot of clothes!!! I haven't even gone through the shoes yet, but I know that won't be any better. Maybe I will get more use out of them because I can actually see them, as opposed to them being in a drawer on top of one another (my clothes that is, not my shoes).

I will miss Megan, although it might not be much different, since I hardly ever see her anyways. I am so proud of her, and so excited for this new phase in her life. I on the other hand am actually content staying right here (especially since I now have my OWN room). It will not be the same as in Kentucky...oh how I miss my mattress (but Mamaw says when I get a place of my own she will get me a mattress just like the one on my bed at her house!!! YAY!!!). I am very happy about having a place to go with no distractions, just me and my books.

Speaking of moving...Don't you feel God moving all around you? I can feel Him everywhere, and can I tell ya'...I love it! "It Begins" is only the beginning of something even greater! I can't wait until tomorrow. Go to church with your hearts prepared for what God has and He will shower down His blessings on you.

Loves,
Jess

About Being Beatiful

Beauty is skin deep...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...the sayings could go on, but beauty to me is still up for debate...

I have always found beauty in the simple things in life...to me beauty equals a butterfly's change from akward and ugly to colorful and free to fly...it equals the rain that slides down the window pane as you sit watching from inside your house...it equals the silence at sunset that explodes around you...it equals the love of a child when all other love has seemed to fade...it equals the smile of someone who just found love...it equals the moment when you realize that someone needs you...it equals a man who hung on a cross so that you and I could be set free...

I have always found comfort in the pages of Isaiah. There we are told that Jesus was not an attractive man by the world's standards, instead he was viewed as ugly. How amazing is that? What we think of as beautiful, what society tells us is beautiful, is nothing compared to the beauty of what God has given us...yet He was not beautiful by our standards.

I love that, because I do not consider myself beautiful by most people's standards, but I AM beautiful to God. I have never really thought about this before...but to God, I am beauty. How amazing is that? I can rest assured, that while I feel that those around me are more attractive (satan has been beating me up with that one today) to God I equal beauty...

Good night my beautiful friends!

To My Friends

It seems like so many people are going through the same thing these days and I just wanted to say...Remember, God is in control.

God,
Hear the cry of our hearts. When everything around us seems to be closing in and everything becomes overwhelming, please guide us down the path that You have chosen for us. You are so amazing! I know that our steps are ordered by You. I will wait on You to lead and guide me. Help us to hear YOUR voice. In our world it is so difficult to listen to that still small voice...take away the distractions. I want You to have COMPLETE control! My heart is yours, hold it in your hands, because I know that there it will be safe. Help me to let go of the pain that I have held for so long. I don't want fear of happiness to keep me from experiencing life. You have taken away the pain of the past...help me to move on...for today is a new day...and IT BEGINS! Don't let me keep looking back to the days where pain was a constant reminder of my failure...I rebuke the enemy and his lies...I will continue to seek after you in all that I am...Help me to lean not on my own understanding. Thank you God! In all these things I give you praise!
Amen

To my friends...I continually pray for you, but as this week goes by I will pray specifically for direction for all of you...I want you to know that I am here and anytime you need prayer I will gladly storm the gates of Heaven with you...Where two or more are gathered my friends...He hears our cries.

For me I would ask that you would continue to pray for me. My battle with depression has seemed like a road behind me for such a long time, but this last week satan has been at me in full force. I don't like the feeling of losing control of my emotions...please pray that God would stop the lies of satan...because I know that is all I am dealing with. I know that what is behind me does not have to effect what is ahead...but I need you to storm the gates of heaven for my petition. I love you all so much...Have a great weekend.

IT BEGINS!