Why am I 24 and still single? This question was posed to me the other night and since then I have taken a lot of time to try and discover the answer. This is not an easy question to answer because I honestly never thought I would reach this point. I always thought that I would meet the man of my dreams in college and that he would propse and we would get married near or after graduation. Alas, this dream proved false and I ended up making my way in life much different than I had planned.
I guess I should start somewhere near the beginning. You see, I have always had a big heart and as such have loved with everything that I have. When I was a child, the man I thought hung the moon stopped loving me, or so I thought. As a child I thought my grandfather was pretty much everything. He taught me to swim, he had butterscotch, he let me play with Barbie's in the play room...He was amazing! But as a 9 year old little girl I was told that he never wanted to see me again. I remember it all so vividly. My Aunt Dawn holding me in the driveway as my grandfather screamed at my mother. It took me years to heal from those scars. I thought that it must have been something I did that would drive him away. I never realized (until much, much later) that it was never my fault.
As I grew up there was never really the opportunity for me to be in relationships. I remember a couple of times when I liked a guy, or my friends said a guy liked me, but it never worked out for anything to happen. When I moved to Florida I met this guy who seemed pretty amazing. I didn't discover until later that he was at the end of a long and messy relationship and I got in on the tail end of it. He was the kind of guy who knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He really swept me away. I was young and naive and thought that they first guy I dated would be the guy I married. Little did I know that wasn't how it worked out. Don't get me wrong...I am ever so glad that it didn't!
In college it became a game that I wasn't good at. I had Scott, and he was my stand in boyfriend. We never did anything, just hung out, but he was my umbrella. As long as I had him I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend. I think there was also the intimidation factor. If a guy had dated me in college he would have been known as "Jessica Buchanan's boyfriend" because I was in student government and everyone knew who I was. It was hard to be in the center of it all and yet feel so alone.
Because of the many times I was hurt, by family, friends, and guys...I learned to put up a wall. I rarely let my gaurd down because I never wanted to get hurt. My life became about survival, and I was ok with that.
Beyond that, I have never actually met a man who could be the spiritual head of my household, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved, and wanted me as much as I wanted him. I usually tell people that I have been in love once...to someone who never knew I loved him, and never could have loved me back (at least not the same way)...but I know that what is out there is going to be so much greater than what I felt with him...
I am not really sure if this actually answered the question, but maybe if gave some insight in to my current state of solo status. I am mostly content in where I am right now, don't get me wrong...and most of you know this...I would love it if the right man were to walk in my life and be all that I have needed for so long...but I am going to be ok even if that doesn't happen right now...I figure...I've made it this long...what's a little while longer...
Hoping for sooner rather than later...
Jess
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