I am writing on here because I know that no one actually ever sees this online journal. I guess I just need to get this out there, to have the words written down somewhere so that I know that it's real, not just something I have imagined. My last entry was written about four or five months ago...and it is funny that that particular entry was in reference to the same guy who I talk about today. You see, for seven months I have known this guy, he was funny and he made me laugh and then the more time I spent with him the more I liked him...until I felt what I wrote in my last entry.
The funny thing is that around that time...every other girl I talked to also had a thing for him, or were trying to set someone they knew up with him...and I thought...I don't have a chance, so I'm not going to even think about it. I stopped thinking about him and I went on with life. I saw him at church from time to time, but it wasn't until about two months ago that I started talking to him and then he became my friend on my myspace and that was nice, but still I didn't think anything of it...everyone is my friend on myspace...
I started seeing this guy that I had gone to school with. It wasn't anything big, we just went out a couple of times and one of those times happened to be at the same restraunt where the guy I am talking about works. He saw us there and he did this awkward we're best friends thing...and I even told the guy I was with that I didn't know him well and thought it was strange...of course in the back of my mind I was thinking how interesting it all was...and then to make things even worse I spent the whole night trying not to look around for him...but instead I tried really hard to focus on the guy I was with...I was so distracted...but I didn't want anyone to notice...I think I pulled it off pretty well...
The following day I recieved a "Boyfriend Application" from this guy that I had been interested in for months...and I couldn't believe it...I thought it had to be a joke and so I took it as such...it wasn't until last week that he informed me that it hadn't been a joke. It's crazy that it has been almost a month since we went to Downtown Disney and that we have been talking that long...
Unfortunately for me all good things must come to an end...Last week we sat down and had a three hour conversation...I sat there and listened as he explained about this girl who was once in his life who changed him forever...when she ended the relationship it was devestating to him...I understood...He was hurt...He said that it had effected every other relationship he had been in...But he didn't want to do that to me...he didn't want to burn bridges with me...but he had to figure out what was going on...I said I understood...because I did...There is so much that complicates this whole issue...and I don't think I even know half of what complicates it...but he wants to be there for her...he wants to be with someone enough that even if this isn't right he's going to do it anyways...I just hate this feeling...Wrong time wrong place...why didn't he just leave me alone? If he knew that it was so complicated why did he ever pursue anything with me? I just don't understand that...
I don't want to be mad right now, and I do not want to keep crying...but when's it going to be my turn...when am I going to get the guy? I know that there has to be someone amazing out there for me...but why did I have to open up again? Why did I have to think I could love him? I just want to pretend like this last month hasn't happened...I mean...it probably wouldn't even hurt so bad if I didn't feel like he was ignoring me...I hate guys...they are so good at making you believe they are so wonderful...but it's all a lie...I don't want to be lied to anymore...I can't write anymore because I feel like my heart getting ready to explode!
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