Alone

Ok...another random rant for the faithful few who actually read these things...

I always believe that standing in line when you shop is a testing ground for patience...tonight...I've never wanted to say something to someone...NEVER...but tonight...I had 14 items in my cart...so I didn't go to the 10 item check out...because I always feel bad about doing that...right as I passed it...she motioned for this couple who had at least 50 items in their cart...and I was like...you've got to be kidding me...seriously?...this is so not happening right now...I just stood there...thinking...this is such a silly thing to get upset about...and I don't know why I am letting it get to me...the only thing I could think was that for the last few things I have been hyper sensitive about everything...and this was just another case where I was way too...sensitive...

I sat typing a letter to a friend today...and again...I cried...and it's over stuff that is dumb...and I know that I shouldn't let it bother me...but it does...I guess at a certain point you hope that the things that have brought you down in the past will just go away...that somehow you are over the fact that you are single and no one wants you...or that you want to be wanted...but you don't want to settle...you want to be sold out...but you're tired of trying...A good friend of mine told me today...keep running the race...but I am so tired...I barely feel that I can pull through any more...

The thing that bothers me...is that I truly do love my life...my job is amazing...and while I'm working...life is great...it's when I am alone...(which ends up being a lot of time)...that it's hard for me...I am such a social person...I love to be with people...and...right now...I just feel lonely...in more ways than one...

Today one of my guy friends was talking to me about this girl...and as I listened to him...I just thought...I wish someone wanted me like that...I wish someone loved me like that...why does this all have to be so complicated...and why isn't it my turn...I know...I've said this so many times...I guess...I'm just tired of waiting...I will...wait...but it doesn't feel like a choice any more...and that's all I've ever wanted to believe it was...but guess what...I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE ALONE...and yet...here I am...alone...

I love my friends...and I know that people care about me...but I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life...

so...if you think about it...send up a prayer for me...that I can find a place where I belong...where people want me...where I no longer feel alone...

My tears hurt...and I don't want to hurt any more...

sorry for this bitter diatribe...my heart just doesn't feel whole right now...and...I want to be whole...

the end