Guys are Morons...

I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months working on a writing project. I want to make sure that I stop on here and update the world on my life. I know that no one really cares, but I like thinking that maybe some random person gets on here and reads what is happening in my life and saying, wow...my life isn't that messed up after all.

Today I posted on Facebook that "Guys are morons"...which then induced an insane amount of responses from guys who are my friends. The truth is that today I finally stood up for myself to a guy who I let take advantage of me for over a year. It wasn't easy, but right now...I feel so much better than I did. We started seeing each other in November of 2009 and continued seeing each other on and off until January of this year...and then...all of the sudden...he stopped talking to me...without explanation. Then I heard he was seeing someone...and it hurt...it broke my heart. I cried for days and I could barely do my job. Hearing his voice or seeing his face added to my hurt and all I wanted to do was escape. I finally started to heal...to feel whole again...and then...he decided to grace me with his presence again...and I felt the hurt all over again. The last few weeks have been so hard...and today I let him know that I couldn't do this anymore.

It hurt and I wanted to cry...but right now...I know that not having him in my life will make my life better.

I am currently in the process of letting God have complete control, but that's so much easier said than done...I am no where near close to where I want to be...but I'm closer than I was. I am going to take these next few months and use them to the best of my ability. I am tired of excuses. I want to see results...

Beautiful...the other four letter word

Recently I was looking through old pictures for my brother's wedding when I ran across pictures of me as a baby. I've seen many pictures from my childhood, but these had somehow never gotten around for my viewing pleasure. My mom says I've seen them, and then she quickly said..."Well, you were there"

Whatever the case may be, I do not remember ever seeing these pictures, but as I sat in the floor looking through them I couldn't help but thinking, "Wow, I was a beautiful baby". I oohed and ahhed over the pictures as though I were looking at someone else's child.

I've never been comfortable with the word beautiful. It used to drive my mom crazy, because I have no problem saying that I am cute and maybe even pretty, but beautiful is not an adjective I feel properly describes me. As I looked at those pictures, I realized that beauty had touched me at one point. I still don't feel comfortable saying that I am beautiful. My sister, she's the beauty in our family. Her dark complexion and dark eyes always made her look exotic and mysterious. Her hold on beauty was always apparent. I, on the other hand, am a big goof ball with a silly personality. I have beautiful eyes, but beautiful is not something that encompasses my outward appearance. I think people consider this outlook to be modesty, but I honestly don't see myself as beautiful.

Looking at these pictures made me reevaluate the way I view myself. I need to take ownership and the creation that God made me. I should be able to say that I'm beautiful, although I do believe it will take me quite a while for that to happen, but I know that one day I will be brave enough to say it.

So...beautiful...not such a scary word after all.