One is a Lonely Number

I posted as a status the other day that sometimes I still feel like the last one picked for kickball. I am amazed at how lonely I get sometimes, and how lonely I truly am. People seem to like me, but they don't really want to hang out with me. Now, don't get me wrong...I have friends that spend time with me, but I often feel excluded from things. It was the same way in college. I had tons of friends, and most everyone knew who I was, even if for nothing else than the fact that I did announcements in chapel twice a week, but I wasn't included in activities because I wasn't part of their inner circle.

This weekend I decided to take myself out of the equation. I turned my phone off and I didn't check my Facebook. It was kind of eye opening. I decided that Facebook has given me a false sense of importance. Somehow I think everyone wants to know everything about me, and that they care what I'm doing and that they notice when I'm away. And I only missed two text messages ALL weekend. I am constantly the one who initiates interactions between my friends. If want to talk to someone I do, but ultimately...people just don't really care that much about me. I think I said that wrong. People don't care as much about me as I think they do.

The only time I can think of when I am not truly lonely, is when I am with my cousins. I was definitely blessed with built-in friendships. It's hard to live so far from them and not be a part of their daily or, at least, weekly lives. They have been my best friends for the last 26+ years and it's hard when I don't have them around. Beyond my cousins and my siblings though, it's always been hard for me to establish connections. I am a people person. I work in a job where I have to have excellent people skills, but socially, I have a hard time making myself get out there and get connected. I don't know why I struggle so much with this, but it is making things difficult for me lately. I am hoping that soon I can break out of this, but ultimately I believe that it has to do with my environment.

I need a change of scenery and I need it to happen soon. I feel like I am slowly suffocating and I am ready to break out of it and move on to the next thing. So here's hoping it comes sooner than later, because I don't know how much more of this loneliness I can handle.