When I was younger I dreamed of getting married when I was 18 (I know! Who knew 18 was so young when you're 10?!?!?!). Then I got into college and thought, this is where I will find the love of my life, get married and have tons of little me's. When that didn't happen, I felt stuck. I didn't know where to go with my life, because everything I had planned on wasn't coming true. I thought for the longest time that there must be something wrong with me and that nobody would ever want to be with me.
I remember when I was in middle school and all of my friends had "boyfriends" and I thought I was missing out on something. Then I got into high school and thought that guys would never like a girl who was fat, because I knew I was fat. I was "one of the guys" and had TONS of friends who were guys...but I never felt like guys could ever really like me as more than that.
When I moved to Florida I met this guy who I thought was amazing. He swept me off my feet. Knew all of the right things to say. Made me believe that this was it. He was the one. I just knew it! Turned out he was far from that, for which I am extremely grateful. He's a decent guy who has an amazing family, it just wasn't meant to be and I thank God that He knew that more than we did.
The entire time I was in college I didn't date one guy. I liked a lot of guys. I had crushes. There were some I just knew I was destined to marry. Alas, that was not the case. I stood at the end of my time in college with a degree, amazing friendships, and my single status. There were many tears shed and a lot of heartache with not understanding why God would leave me by myself when everyone else seemed to be finding their stride and taking off.
After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.
If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.
In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?
There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.
I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.
I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.
After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.
If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.
In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?
There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.
I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.
I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.
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