One of My Favorite Poems

"Carnal Cerebral Love" by Denise Castellucci

Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your mind
Stimulate me
with your intellect,
your insight and understanding.
Ignite me
with random connections
and your clever wit.

Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your inner being.
Allow me to delight
in your orgasmic
dynamic mind.
Open up and invite me
into the deep warmth of your soul.

Carnal Cerebral Love
Let our synapses dance
entangle and connect
at the same plateau.
Complete each others sentences,
not our lives.

Carnal Cerebral Love
Our physical being
Our external egos
decay daily and by the moment
only our inner selves intact
The essentials of life
which are often ignored
are honored here

What I'm Excited About in 2012

2012 holds possibility! This last year was my year of clarity. I figured out where I want to go in life, and I started to take the steps necessary to get there. In the coming year, my goals are to love myself more, to let go of the people who are holding me back, take advantage of every second I have this year, do something unforgettable, and feel good naked (whatever that may mean).

I have no desire to change who I am. I love everything about myself, but there is so much that I want to accomplish this next  year. I am looking forward to the possibility of London in June, and my PhD applications. I want to take more time for me and I want to truly connect to at least one person in 2012. This year I found one of my best friends, and our connection is uncanny. I believe there are other people out there who I can find the same type of connection with.

I want to write more this year. Maybe actually get a manuscript completed. I think the thing I am looking forward to in the next year is the idea of getting closer to the goals that clarity brought me this year.

I can't wait to see what all is going to happen, but I also cannot wait to share my moments...good and bad with you. This is going to be another amazing year.

This Bitterness is Destroying My Soul

I feel as though I am in the process of a serious meltdown. The anxiety that is overwhelming me has taken over and left room for very little else. I know that we are to be anxious in nothing, but with prayer and petition take it to God...but this bitterness is keeping me from doing much. I am angry at so many things...and even people. This is not who I am and it bothers me that I feel this way.

I am bitter that people have treated the ones I love poorly and that no one seems to really care. And they were treated poorly by people who should never do that. How can you tell people to love and to be kind when you aren't practicing what you preach. I have a hard time with this and it is honestly why I can't seem to bring myself to sit in any church. How can I? I know people are flawed, and God is not, but this is so hard for me. I am mad and want to say mean and hateful things...and that's not who I am...and that is what bothers me. I know that this effects me more so than others...because these people are important me. They are my family and my closest friends and yet I want to be cruel to those who were cruel to the ones I love. If I did that to their loved ones...it would never go over well. I am so, so mad...and I just want to get over it. I'm ready to move on...but I don't know how.

I am bitter at guys for treating me like I am less than a person. I am bitter that they can find someone...and I can't. I am tired of caring about it. When I hear they are with someone it hurts...and I don't even want to be with them. I know that it's not the person themselves...but the idea that they can so quickly find someone new...like they just fall into their lap...and I myself have no options...not even bad ones.

I am bitter that my brother and sister are both married and living their lives. I love their spouses...and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like that stupid 20 year old who was upset that her sister could get a dog, but that stupid 20 year old couldn't get a cat. I don't know how to move past this, but I know I have to.

Writing always makes me feel better. I am never perfect...and rarely close to it...but I know that I have to make the steps towards the healing process. I don't want these things to change me. I want to continue to love with everything I have. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am in love with who I am and I just want to be happy again...it's been too long :'(

Lonely

For as long as I can remember I have been an outsider pretending to be on the inside. When I was in college I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I had those who would come to my house on Thursday nights...and the people I spent time with when I was at school, but when it came down to it, I didn't belong to a circle of friends. I was the friend everyone knew and no one cared to invite to be a part of their inner circle. I was excluded, not on purpose...but still. The moment that I knew how lonely I really was happened on a City Walk night. We got there, and I came with 30 plus people...but I ate dinner alone and I went to the movie alone...and I sat there thinking...I'm alone.

It's hard to not belong. You see the same people doing everything together and you wonder to yourself, why don't they invite me to hang out with them? Is there something wrong with me? Don't misunderstand...I have a great many friends, but I don't have that group of friends that I can count on to be there for me and to spend time with on a regular basis.

Part of my loneliness stems from the fact that the majority of my friends are married, or a great deal younger than me. This means that they have different priorities...which I can completely appreciate and understand. I guess...I am just ready to have that group of friends that I do get time with on a regular basis. I haven't had for so long that I almost don't remember what it was like to have it in the first place.

The last few days have been horrible. My sister moved to Chicago with her husband a couple of weeks ago, and that has made the fact that my brother and his wife are in South Carolina even more apparent. I feel like everyone else has moved on and I am just stuck. They have started their lives and I know I'm currently working towards where I want mine to go...but because I'm not there I feel so alone.

My lack of my help mate is hard to bear at time as well. I still don't understand why some people get to have it and I don't. Did I do something horrible? Is it just not meant for me to have that? I look at other people who are older than me who have never found the right guy and I think...will that be me? I don't know why I have to go through this right now...it sucks greatly. I feel so alone. I am having a very hard time right ow and feel like there's no one to tell.

I told someone the other night...I would never try to kill myself again...but that doesn't keep me from sometimes wishing that I didn't have to do this. Life sucks right now..but I will get through it...and it will get better. It has to...right? :)

Worthy?

For anyone who has been keeping track...I don't have much luck in the relationship department...I tend to like guys who do absolutely nothing for my self-esteem. The last guy that I really liked was a complete moron in knowing how to treat me. Yet, I continued to put myself in the same situations. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I suppose I had reached some form of insanity when it came to him. He even told me that he was willing to help me change who I am so that I can meet the right guy. Funny thing...I kind of like who I am.
The other day...a guy who I considered to be my best guy friend told me I deserved more. I agreed. Then he asked me if I was worthy of what I deserved. I knew exactly what he meant. I stopped going to church a long time because of bitterness and hurt...and I just stopped caring. I felt that he was being judgmental...and then he said he wasn't. Then...after knowing that he hasn't walked the super straight and narrow recently either...he tells me he has a girlfriend. I think the thing that made me upset was what had made him all of the sudden "worthy" of this girl, and what made me NOT "worthy" of the right guy? I will not argue that I have a long way to go when it comes to rebuilding my relationship with God (I mean, this blog is all about my own judgement and bitterness...both of which work against the goal of right relationship)...but how dare you tell me that I am not worthy, when you aren't any more so than myself.

It made me mad. It hurt me.

I don't know...this is just my place to rant...my place to talk because I have no one else to talk to. So there it is...a rant.