This Bitterness is Destroying My Soul

I feel as though I am in the process of a serious meltdown. The anxiety that is overwhelming me has taken over and left room for very little else. I know that we are to be anxious in nothing, but with prayer and petition take it to God...but this bitterness is keeping me from doing much. I am angry at so many things...and even people. This is not who I am and it bothers me that I feel this way.

I am bitter that people have treated the ones I love poorly and that no one seems to really care. And they were treated poorly by people who should never do that. How can you tell people to love and to be kind when you aren't practicing what you preach. I have a hard time with this and it is honestly why I can't seem to bring myself to sit in any church. How can I? I know people are flawed, and God is not, but this is so hard for me. I am mad and want to say mean and hateful things...and that's not who I am...and that is what bothers me. I know that this effects me more so than others...because these people are important me. They are my family and my closest friends and yet I want to be cruel to those who were cruel to the ones I love. If I did that to their loved ones...it would never go over well. I am so, so mad...and I just want to get over it. I'm ready to move on...but I don't know how.

I am bitter at guys for treating me like I am less than a person. I am bitter that they can find someone...and I can't. I am tired of caring about it. When I hear they are with someone it hurts...and I don't even want to be with them. I know that it's not the person themselves...but the idea that they can so quickly find someone new...like they just fall into their lap...and I myself have no options...not even bad ones.

I am bitter that my brother and sister are both married and living their lives. I love their spouses...and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like that stupid 20 year old who was upset that her sister could get a dog, but that stupid 20 year old couldn't get a cat. I don't know how to move past this, but I know I have to.

Writing always makes me feel better. I am never perfect...and rarely close to it...but I know that I have to make the steps towards the healing process. I don't want these things to change me. I want to continue to love with everything I have. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am in love with who I am and I just want to be happy again...it's been too long :'(