Lonely

For as long as I can remember I have been an outsider pretending to be on the inside. When I was in college I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I had those who would come to my house on Thursday nights...and the people I spent time with when I was at school, but when it came down to it, I didn't belong to a circle of friends. I was the friend everyone knew and no one cared to invite to be a part of their inner circle. I was excluded, not on purpose...but still. The moment that I knew how lonely I really was happened on a City Walk night. We got there, and I came with 30 plus people...but I ate dinner alone and I went to the movie alone...and I sat there thinking...I'm alone.

It's hard to not belong. You see the same people doing everything together and you wonder to yourself, why don't they invite me to hang out with them? Is there something wrong with me? Don't misunderstand...I have a great many friends, but I don't have that group of friends that I can count on to be there for me and to spend time with on a regular basis.

Part of my loneliness stems from the fact that the majority of my friends are married, or a great deal younger than me. This means that they have different priorities...which I can completely appreciate and understand. I guess...I am just ready to have that group of friends that I do get time with on a regular basis. I haven't had for so long that I almost don't remember what it was like to have it in the first place.

The last few days have been horrible. My sister moved to Chicago with her husband a couple of weeks ago, and that has made the fact that my brother and his wife are in South Carolina even more apparent. I feel like everyone else has moved on and I am just stuck. They have started their lives and I know I'm currently working towards where I want mine to go...but because I'm not there I feel so alone.

My lack of my help mate is hard to bear at time as well. I still don't understand why some people get to have it and I don't. Did I do something horrible? Is it just not meant for me to have that? I look at other people who are older than me who have never found the right guy and I think...will that be me? I don't know why I have to go through this right now...it sucks greatly. I feel so alone. I am having a very hard time right ow and feel like there's no one to tell.

I told someone the other night...I would never try to kill myself again...but that doesn't keep me from sometimes wishing that I didn't have to do this. Life sucks right now..but I will get through it...and it will get better. It has to...right? :)