I Deserve Better

This entire semester has been one battle after the next. I have battled for my life, my sanity and my dignity. Mainly I have battled with my feelings and emotions. While in my head I knew that I was asking for heartache, my heart could not catch up with my head fast enough. I still loved him, not in the "I'm in love" kind of way, I don't know that I was ever at that point, but I do know that I loved him. He meant a lot to me, and when there is no closure things tend to get blurry and feelings get involved, even when you don't want them to.

The last two weeks have been a living hell because I felt as though things were resolved, and just like that the wounds were opened again. We asked for it. We put ourselves in a situation where there was no other option than to be together, but it was his attempt at making me feel like it was more that hurt. I told him I was fine just being friends, and that's it, but then he made me believe he wanted more. All I could do was worry about him. I didn't want to, but I did. Last Friday after we talked I wrote this letter, telling him exactly how I felt and on Sunday I bought a card and wrote some more, and on Monday I put the letter in the mail.

It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. All day I was nervous and anxious and thought that I would explode. I wanted him to hate me, to never want to have anything to do with me again, because that would have made it easier. But when I saw him on Monday night and he came up to me and put his hand on my face and looked at me the way he did, I was so confused. I got into the van, drove away and then I yelled! I was so mad, that wasn't how things were supposed to happen.

Yesterday he came into the office and we talked for a long time. It was hard. I cried, and he almost cried, and at the end of the conversation I told him that I deserve better, and I know I will get better. And he agreed. It was hard, and it hurt, but I knew that it had to be done. I basically told him that he needed to leave me alone. He does things, and I know he doesn't realize it, but those things hurt and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. And so I lose a friend this week, and someone that I have cared about for quite some time. But it's true I do deserve better.