I don't know why but all of the sudden my heart hurts and all I want to do is cry. Maybe I do know why, but I just don't want everyone else to know. I just wish it would stay safe, my heart that is, locked away from others. I don't want to open up my heart anymore...it has been hurt too many times...I know I usually do the encouraging guys, and I am sorry, but tonight the tears are falling and I can't make them stop.
I know that this is an attack of satan...it has to be. Everything has been wonderful for the last two days. I have been on fire...I have been immersed in the word...I have been an encourager...I have enjoyed work...This has to be a spiritual attack...I don't want to hurt like this...I don't want to cry...I hate the tears...they make me feel weak...please pray that God build me up...because tonight I feel torn down.
I hate this up and down roller coaster so much...It reminds me of things I'd rather forget. I want to feel whole again...You have no idea how just writing this down has helped...you guys are awesome...
Jess
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
The One
Tonight I ended up having a long conversation about love. Finding love and keeping love. I know I don't have it all figured out, in fact I am nowhere close to having any part of it figured out. I just really wanted to tell you guys that love is out there...For those of you who are still young, don't give up, and don't let it consume you. I remember when I was 18, I thought that I needed to find someone to marry, that I needed that someone to be complete. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time worried about that. I wish I didn't spend any time thinking about it now. I'm not worried about finding the person who will be my husband. You know why? Because I am living in God's will...and as long as I am living in that place...and my future husband is living in that place...God will bring us together.
Now, I can't deny that when the possibility appears...I think about if this could be the one, but I have been hurt too many times to let myself open up to the possibility. I want love, but I don't waste my time on something that isn't going to mean anything. Maybe this is too serious (also could be the reason I haven't found anyone)...but I'm a girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to settle...I have done that before.
Right now I want someone who loves my craziness...who thinks that my natural beauty is beauty enough...I want a man who knows I'm amazing, without trying to show him how amazing I am...And I'm not worried that I am not going to find this man...He's out there...I know it...God gives us the desires of our heart.
Ladies...don't give up! There is more to life than a relationship. There is a vast world of individuality that is out there waiting to be explored. Find out who you are, and be firmly grounded in that. Make God your number one priority, and never change for anyone else.
Gentleman...my friends...treat a lady with respect. I read something today that I feel is right for this moment...The person you are with might not be the one you end up with...so treat her the same way you would want another guy to treat your future wife...and really this can be applied to the girls to...keep your purity in tact...it is never worth giving up. Temporary satisfaction is just that...temporary!
Please...take these words to heart...they might not mean anything to anyone but me, but they do mean something...even if only to me...keep searching for God's will and everything else will fall into place...
Now, I can't deny that when the possibility appears...I think about if this could be the one, but I have been hurt too many times to let myself open up to the possibility. I want love, but I don't waste my time on something that isn't going to mean anything. Maybe this is too serious (also could be the reason I haven't found anyone)...but I'm a girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to settle...I have done that before.
Right now I want someone who loves my craziness...who thinks that my natural beauty is beauty enough...I want a man who knows I'm amazing, without trying to show him how amazing I am...And I'm not worried that I am not going to find this man...He's out there...I know it...God gives us the desires of our heart.
Ladies...don't give up! There is more to life than a relationship. There is a vast world of individuality that is out there waiting to be explored. Find out who you are, and be firmly grounded in that. Make God your number one priority, and never change for anyone else.
Gentleman...my friends...treat a lady with respect. I read something today that I feel is right for this moment...The person you are with might not be the one you end up with...so treat her the same way you would want another guy to treat your future wife...and really this can be applied to the girls to...keep your purity in tact...it is never worth giving up. Temporary satisfaction is just that...temporary!
Please...take these words to heart...they might not mean anything to anyone but me, but they do mean something...even if only to me...keep searching for God's will and everything else will fall into place...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
It Begins...
So today at church amazing things began to happen...I want to jump out of my skin I am so excited! We met at the church to go over our drama and we prayed in the choir room. God was moving so deeply and I couldn't have been more amazed at the things that He is doing. He is tearing down walls and building up His army. I am anticipating that which He is getting ready to begin! That which he has already begun!
This afternoon was even more amazing! We had drama practice and can I just tell you...these kids are on fire! I want to be consumed with what God has in store for us! I was reminded of the dreams God has placed within me...and I was encouraged as well...Things are beginning already! Keep pushing in and He will pull you in!
This afternoon was even more amazing! We had drama practice and can I just tell you...these kids are on fire! I want to be consumed with what God has in store for us! I was reminded of the dreams God has placed within me...and I was encouraged as well...Things are beginning already! Keep pushing in and He will pull you in!
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Vision
I've been thinking about this a lot recently...about the visions God has given me...I had a friend remind me that a people without vision will perish...I like what Proverbs 29:18 of The Message Bible says:
If people can't see what God is doing,
they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
they are most blessed.
I want to be most blessed! I want to follow the deep hungers that God has placed in my heart. I have been given so much already. I love God to fullest extent of the word and yet I know I love him less than I am able. I know that it is futile to want to go back to something you used to have, because in front of you God has given you more than you can even begin to imagine. When I was younger I felt like I was on fire. I want to fulfill my Jeremiah calling...I want to feel the fire shut up in my bones! God is so amazing and I don't want to give up on the things that he has layed before me.
My life has never been perfect and satan has attacked me with thoughts of suicide and depression. I have gone through so much to come out where I am now...I wish I could explain this to all of you, some of you know where I have been...and you know why being in the place that I am at is so important! I am excited to see what God has for me. Please continually pray that God makes my vision clear. Bleary-eyed is not the way I want to approach His calling.
I hear His voice loud and clear! I am running after the prize he has layed before me and I will continue to seek his will! I am so excited. I am SO excited!!! God is beautiful, and I love him more than life!
If people can't see what God is doing,
they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
they are most blessed.
I want to be most blessed! I want to follow the deep hungers that God has placed in my heart. I have been given so much already. I love God to fullest extent of the word and yet I know I love him less than I am able. I know that it is futile to want to go back to something you used to have, because in front of you God has given you more than you can even begin to imagine. When I was younger I felt like I was on fire. I want to fulfill my Jeremiah calling...I want to feel the fire shut up in my bones! God is so amazing and I don't want to give up on the things that he has layed before me.
My life has never been perfect and satan has attacked me with thoughts of suicide and depression. I have gone through so much to come out where I am now...I wish I could explain this to all of you, some of you know where I have been...and you know why being in the place that I am at is so important! I am excited to see what God has for me. Please continually pray that God makes my vision clear. Bleary-eyed is not the way I want to approach His calling.
I hear His voice loud and clear! I am running after the prize he has layed before me and I will continue to seek his will! I am so excited. I am SO excited!!! God is beautiful, and I love him more than life!
Friday, February 24, 2006
LIVE!!!
Love is a fickle friend. We only have today...I love these lyrics from Rent:
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
I have learned that we should live our lives without regret. I told someone yesterday that I wish we could all just get past the bull that stands between us, humanity. Why do we play the game? Why do we dance the dance? What are we trying to prove? I don't want to be the one who stands down just to make you feel better about your choices. I want to speak out...I want to be alive...and I want to start living today!
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
I have learned that we should live our lives without regret. I told someone yesterday that I wish we could all just get past the bull that stands between us, humanity. Why do we play the game? Why do we dance the dance? What are we trying to prove? I don't want to be the one who stands down just to make you feel better about your choices. I want to speak out...I want to be alive...and I want to start living today!
Monday, February 20, 2006
New Me...
Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.
I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.
I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.
I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.
I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.
New Me...
Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.
I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.
I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.
I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.
I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
The Dawn
Remember
The silent orb
Which shines at night
Plays in the heavens
Fighting new light
Soon she will
Be covered by dawn
A light fading slowly
Until she is gone
Enjoy the sunrise
As it breaks through the night
Taking away darkness
And bringing new light
The colors that burst
In the silence of dawn
Share for a moment
What has hours been gone
We cry in the darkness
Fighting the night
We search for a moment
To walk in the light
Do not worry nor fret
The return of the dawn
Soon the Light will come
And darkness must be gone
He's battle weary
But keeps through the night
A tortured man
Is our founding light
He waited three days
And at first dawn
He rose from the grave
He left, but is not gone
So remember to
Hold fast through the night
He standing right there
Guiding in light
And remember when you see
That first dawn
That he died
So your soul would never be gone
Remember
The silent orb
Which shines at night
Plays in the heavens
Fighting new light
Soon she will
Be covered by dawn
A light fading slowly
Until she is gone
Enjoy the sunrise
As it breaks through the night
Taking away darkness
And bringing new light
The colors that burst
In the silence of dawn
Share for a moment
What has hours been gone
We cry in the darkness
Fighting the night
We search for a moment
To walk in the light
Do not worry nor fret
The return of the dawn
Soon the Light will come
And darkness must be gone
He's battle weary
But keeps through the night
A tortured man
Is our founding light
He waited three days
And at first dawn
He rose from the grave
He left, but is not gone
So remember to
Hold fast through the night
He standing right there
Guiding in light
And remember when you see
That first dawn
That he died
So your soul would never be gone
Remember
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