This has been by far one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in quite some time! I am so used to the ups and downs of my life and this weekend is was a plethera of ups. It's not that I even did anything interesting. I just had a good weekend full of friends and laughter.
On Friday I had drama practice and afterwards we went to Wendy's. It was funny because I went in and sat down after the guys had gotten there. While they were all ordering I went and got a seat...only two of the four saw me...well...the other two got their food and sat down...four tables away from me...they never looked in my direction and so I began to sniff my shirt (thinking that maybe I smelled bad)...one of the guys who had seem me come in kind of motioned to what I was doing...I said "I'm trying to figure out of I smell bad or something"...the guys had never seen me and when they heard me they rushed to sit with me...it was so funny...
On Saturday I had drama practice...after that I just went home and worked on my online class. It wasn't anything fun...I just did that and watched Hallmark movies all day...I loved it!
Today has probably been the best day! I got to watch these kids who have been working their butts off minister to our congregation today...and they blew the house away! I am so excited to see what else God has in store for them!...IT BEGINS!!! I know that God is going to do something big, I mean...He is DOING something BIG!!! AHHH!!! I wish I could share my excitement more...I am sooooooo excited. I also think that I am just on a Jesus high!
I also got the amazing opportunity to eat lunch with two of my favorite people on earth...Dan and Rebekah...Seriously...I can't imagine my life without these guys...I don't remember what it was like before they were around...and I am going to be so sad when they leave me for the summer...but I still have a little while with them! I also got to see Cassie today and that always makes me happy...She's so amazing...I have been blessed this year with the new friends that I have made and the relationships that have gotten stronger!
I don't know...I guess tonight I just wanted to share with you guys the excitement that I am feeling right now! I also wanted to let you guys know how absolutely amazing you are! I couldn't ask for better friends!
Jess
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Taking It One Day At a Time
It's been a while since my last blog...I think that I have been in a somewhat melancholy state of mind and my writer's block falls into place during these times...I have also been trying to come to grips with the reality around me...I feel as though I have been somewhat detatched recently...I hate that feeling...
Life tends to come at us in ways which we don't expect...sometimes these ways are gladly recieved while at other times we are left wondering why our experiences have led us here...I think that right now I am stuck somewhere between those two places...I know that as you (my dear regular readers) read my thoughts you can see the up and down emotional rollercoaster that I experience almost on a daily basis...This rollercoaster has hit a few steep downward moments in the past month or so...
Emotionally my life has been rough as of late...I have spent more time with my tears than I have in almost a year...I hate that...It scares me to think that I could lose control of everything that has become stable...I have embraced my somewhat sane existence...and to think that that delicate world is threatened...frightens me beyond words...
I know that things can only get better...and that there must be something big out there for me...but I kind of wish it would just happen you know? It would just all fall into place...so that I no longer fear the unknown, but that I take it as it comes...that I see what lies ahead...and I look in that direction without fear...
I have been plagued with fears recently...the fear that I will never accomplish anything...the fear that I will fail all those around me...the fear that I have become something others depise...the fear that I will always be alone...the fear that I will never be good enough...I don't want to fear anymore...I want to embrace hope...because my hope in Him is the only silver lining I see right now...
Life tends to come at us in ways which we don't expect...sometimes these ways are gladly recieved while at other times we are left wondering why our experiences have led us here...I think that right now I am stuck somewhere between those two places...I know that as you (my dear regular readers) read my thoughts you can see the up and down emotional rollercoaster that I experience almost on a daily basis...This rollercoaster has hit a few steep downward moments in the past month or so...
Emotionally my life has been rough as of late...I have spent more time with my tears than I have in almost a year...I hate that...It scares me to think that I could lose control of everything that has become stable...I have embraced my somewhat sane existence...and to think that that delicate world is threatened...frightens me beyond words...
I know that things can only get better...and that there must be something big out there for me...but I kind of wish it would just happen you know? It would just all fall into place...so that I no longer fear the unknown, but that I take it as it comes...that I see what lies ahead...and I look in that direction without fear...
I have been plagued with fears recently...the fear that I will never accomplish anything...the fear that I will fail all those around me...the fear that I have become something others depise...the fear that I will always be alone...the fear that I will never be good enough...I don't want to fear anymore...I want to embrace hope...because my hope in Him is the only silver lining I see right now...
Monday, April 10, 2006
Make These Tears Dry Up
I feel like I am back to where I was several years ago. It was possibly the worst trip I had ever been on. It was the type of trip that bitterly reminded me that I was alone. We were driving to Kentucky and as Mom and Dad drove, Megan was with her boyfriend, and Brandon was with his girlfriend, and then there was me...alone. Now each one of them have gone through the pain of breakups, but they are each both in new relationships. Brandon is with his girlfriend, Megan is with her new boyfriend...and here I am...still alone.
I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am the oldest, or I just can't understand the fact of why someone doesn't want me...but right now my heart is hurting. Why doesn't anyone want me? I am so sick of these tears...I am so sick of these lies. Is it beyond someone to love me? I don't know what to do...I want to be patient...and I know that God has to have something amazing out there for me...but I can't help but feel that I am nothing more, and will always be nothing more, than the friend...I will continue to watch those that I love begin and end and begin and end relationships, until the day I am invited to the wedding...
I don't want to hurt anymore...I think at the beginning of the year the prayer was that God would either send me someone, or help me be content in being single...Right now I just want to be content...I don't want a relationship...I am tired of trying...I hate this right now...every tear that falls just hurts worse. I don't want to hurt anymore...So forgive me my rant...I just needed to let go. Some people don't understand how my writing is my relief...I doubt that you would understand if I tried to explain now...but I love you guys...and I know you love me...
Please...I do not want to hear how it will happen for me...and that I shouldn't feel this way...because I know that if it is God's will it will happen, and if not he will see me through...I know that this too shall pass...and I can't wait until it does...
All my Love,
Jess
I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am the oldest, or I just can't understand the fact of why someone doesn't want me...but right now my heart is hurting. Why doesn't anyone want me? I am so sick of these tears...I am so sick of these lies. Is it beyond someone to love me? I don't know what to do...I want to be patient...and I know that God has to have something amazing out there for me...but I can't help but feel that I am nothing more, and will always be nothing more, than the friend...I will continue to watch those that I love begin and end and begin and end relationships, until the day I am invited to the wedding...
I don't want to hurt anymore...I think at the beginning of the year the prayer was that God would either send me someone, or help me be content in being single...Right now I just want to be content...I don't want a relationship...I am tired of trying...I hate this right now...every tear that falls just hurts worse. I don't want to hurt anymore...So forgive me my rant...I just needed to let go. Some people don't understand how my writing is my relief...I doubt that you would understand if I tried to explain now...but I love you guys...and I know you love me...
Please...I do not want to hear how it will happen for me...and that I shouldn't feel this way...because I know that if it is God's will it will happen, and if not he will see me through...I know that this too shall pass...and I can't wait until it does...
All my Love,
Jess
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Deja Vu
Have you ever felt as though you have had the same experience twice. Tonight I felt as though I had a flashback of two months ago...It was amazing how the same exact feelings rushed over me. Feelings of confusion, anger and hurt all hit me with the same force as the time before. I just don't understand how I get myself into these situations...where I have made life so complicated. I still think this is all a distraction that satan has put me up against...because I truly believe that God has something big for me right now and satan knows it. he wants me to be distracted so that I cannot complete the work that God began in me. I refuse to doubt the promises that God has laid before me...I will continue to rejoice...no matter what the circumstances...
Here is a poem I wrote today...I just want to get it out there...to have it down...out of my head and shared with my friends...
Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be woken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.
I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.
Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.
Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.
Here is a poem I wrote today...I just want to get it out there...to have it down...out of my head and shared with my friends...
Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be woken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.
I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.
Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.
Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
To Those Still Waiting
I wrote this quite some time ago when a really good friend of mine was going through a really hard time. Now you have to understand, my friend is a Belle fanatic (you know the Disney princess). I found a piece of paper at a scrapbooking store with Belle on it and knew I had to get it for her...I tried to figure out what I was going to do with it...I didn't want to just give her the paper...so I wrote this story. The more I read it, the more I realize that I was writing it for me, just as much as for her...but I hope you all get something out of it...God has something amazing, and His timing is perfect...I would rather be single now and wait for true love, then to be with someone and find out that it was never right to begin with.
The Princess Within
By: Jessica Buchanan
In a land far away there once was a beautiful princess who longed for more than what she had. Her life seemed ordinary and to her that was something she had never thought she would be. Every morning her life seemed to hold a routine. She woke, attended her duties, did what was required of her, fell asleep and began the same proceedings over again.
This princess could not see that her ordinary actions had extraordinary results. In the land of her Father there was a man, who unbeknownst to the princess, had been grooming his entire life to become her prince. Every morning he would wake and go before the King, asking what he must do to prepare for the princess. Every day this young man would work hard to become what he knew the princess would need.
As this happened, the princess began to question her Father. She continually asked why her prince had never come, and why she must keep waiting when all those around her were experiencing the love that she longed for. The King would quietly tell his daughter to be patient, and she would experience His very best.
As time went by the young man began to grow and developed a deeper relationship with the King, and the King watched the young man and knew that it was almost time. His daughter had a hard time understanding her wait, but He knew once she met her prince she would understand.
The day finally came when the young man would become a prince. When the princess heard of the glorious news she rejoiced, thanking her Father. When the two became one she understood why love had not come to her sooner. She had to learn to trust her Father, and He would bring her exactly what she needed.
So, young princess within, do not grow weary in your wait. Instead, trust your Father because he, not only knows what you need, but also knows when you need it. Love will come and when it does you will rejoice
The Princess Within
By: Jessica Buchanan
In a land far away there once was a beautiful princess who longed for more than what she had. Her life seemed ordinary and to her that was something she had never thought she would be. Every morning her life seemed to hold a routine. She woke, attended her duties, did what was required of her, fell asleep and began the same proceedings over again.
This princess could not see that her ordinary actions had extraordinary results. In the land of her Father there was a man, who unbeknownst to the princess, had been grooming his entire life to become her prince. Every morning he would wake and go before the King, asking what he must do to prepare for the princess. Every day this young man would work hard to become what he knew the princess would need.
As this happened, the princess began to question her Father. She continually asked why her prince had never come, and why she must keep waiting when all those around her were experiencing the love that she longed for. The King would quietly tell his daughter to be patient, and she would experience His very best.
As time went by the young man began to grow and developed a deeper relationship with the King, and the King watched the young man and knew that it was almost time. His daughter had a hard time understanding her wait, but He knew once she met her prince she would understand.
The day finally came when the young man would become a prince. When the princess heard of the glorious news she rejoiced, thanking her Father. When the two became one she understood why love had not come to her sooner. She had to learn to trust her Father, and He would bring her exactly what she needed.
So, young princess within, do not grow weary in your wait. Instead, trust your Father because he, not only knows what you need, but also knows when you need it. Love will come and when it does you will rejoice
Monday, April 03, 2006
Trying to Figure This Out
I know that life is not meant to be a walk in the park. There are no easy outs, and life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get. I know all of the cliches...but I am finding that figuring out my life is much more enjoyable than it used to be. I mean...I used to stress out about every little detail, every decision, what people thought about me and so much more...Now I feel as though my life is making sense.
Don't get me wrong...my life is by no means perfect...it's just that I am happy. It has taken me a long time to get here, and now that I'm here I wonder why it took me this much time. I love my life. I have a great family, a great job, great friends, and I actually love who I am. I am so thankful for God's blessings. I truly don't know what I would do without Him.
I don't know...I guess I just wanted to share that life is not always as bad as we think it is. Life is what we make it. We choose to be happy. My friend Ryan said that to me the other day and I think it has stuck. I am happy and I choose that happiness. There will be days when life is not pleasant, and I don't love life, but I will choose to be happy. I will continue doing daily in order to have the life I have right now!
Don't get me wrong...my life is by no means perfect...it's just that I am happy. It has taken me a long time to get here, and now that I'm here I wonder why it took me this much time. I love my life. I have a great family, a great job, great friends, and I actually love who I am. I am so thankful for God's blessings. I truly don't know what I would do without Him.
I don't know...I guess I just wanted to share that life is not always as bad as we think it is. Life is what we make it. We choose to be happy. My friend Ryan said that to me the other day and I think it has stuck. I am happy and I choose that happiness. There will be days when life is not pleasant, and I don't love life, but I will choose to be happy. I will continue doing daily in order to have the life I have right now!
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