I feel like I am back to where I was several years ago. It was possibly the worst trip I had ever been on. It was the type of trip that bitterly reminded me that I was alone. We were driving to Kentucky and as Mom and Dad drove, Megan was with her boyfriend, and Brandon was with his girlfriend, and then there was me...alone. Now each one of them have gone through the pain of breakups, but they are each both in new relationships. Brandon is with his girlfriend, Megan is with her new boyfriend...and here I am...still alone.
I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am the oldest, or I just can't understand the fact of why someone doesn't want me...but right now my heart is hurting. Why doesn't anyone want me? I am so sick of these tears...I am so sick of these lies. Is it beyond someone to love me? I don't know what to do...I want to be patient...and I know that God has to have something amazing out there for me...but I can't help but feel that I am nothing more, and will always be nothing more, than the friend...I will continue to watch those that I love begin and end and begin and end relationships, until the day I am invited to the wedding...
I don't want to hurt anymore...I think at the beginning of the year the prayer was that God would either send me someone, or help me be content in being single...Right now I just want to be content...I don't want a relationship...I am tired of trying...I hate this right now...every tear that falls just hurts worse. I don't want to hurt anymore...So forgive me my rant...I just needed to let go. Some people don't understand how my writing is my relief...I doubt that you would understand if I tried to explain now...but I love you guys...and I know you love me...
Please...I do not want to hear how it will happen for me...and that I shouldn't feel this way...because I know that if it is God's will it will happen, and if not he will see me through...I know that this too shall pass...and I can't wait until it does...
All my Love,
Jess
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