So Sick...

Oh my goodness...yesterday was one of the worst days ever!!! I woke up feeling queasy. On my way to work I kept thinking...wow...I feel gross. I got to school and was talking to the teacher that I do duty with and was telling her about it and she looks at me and says "there could be other reasons for it" insinuating that I might be pregnant...I just said no...that wasn't an option...

Through 2nd period I started feeling worse and worse...then it happened...the class change came and I was standing at the door...the kids kept asking me what was wrong, but I felt as though if I opened my mouth I would puke...BOY WAS I RIGHT!!!

I tried to make it to the trash can, but it just didn't happen. It went everywhere...it was gross and disguting and absolutely NASTY!!! It was in my hair, on my clothes, and all over the floor. I was so embarrassed...I thought that I was going to die...Then all day yesterday I felt gross...I got home took a shower and went to bed...It was a rough day...I made it through...and hopefully I am completely over it! Anyways...for those of you who were there and got to watch me...we are closer now than I ever wanted to be...

What a Weekend!!! 7/11 Anyone???

I took Friday off to go to the doctor. Nothing's wrong just needed a check up...and they put me on some medication...I then went to lunch with my friend Kyle...we had a good time...got to catch up with each other...then I went and watched him buy a tv...now he's poor and I don't know that we can be friends anymore...(just kidding Kyle!!!) When I left him I went to dinner with Dan...and made him go to Victoria's Secret with me...oh goodness...good thing he's my favorite...and I'm HIS favorite or he might not ever speak to me again...

On Saturday I had class and then I had drama practice...And then...Matt kept calling me...wondering if I was going to the hockey game...I was not looking forward to going by myself...so I asked Kyle to go with me and he was kind enough to oblige...I then had three teenage girls who all wanted to go see the guys...IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I mean I totally got lost like a hundred times...but it was the greatest trip ever! We laughed so much and then we saw this demonic cat...oh my goodness...it got hit and then it was still alive...oh my goodness!!! When we finally got to Denny's it was fun and the drive home was good...but I had fun with the girls...Katie and Alyssa...you guys rock! Don't forget that there is only about two 7/11's in New Port Richey but we passed them at least 30 times...

I had a blast...a memory I will never forget!!!

God is So Cool

I know that God is good and that He loves me more than anything. It's just that there are days when He gives you a small glimpse at how big He really is. Today on my way home from work I was driving and the nearly empty light came on and I tried to stop for gas, but the place I stopped was out of gas...and so I prayed and my tank went up to a quarter of a tank...how crazy is that...Seriously I was floored by what God can do. It just made me think how cool He is!

Beyond that I am slowly fading into an oblivion. I am struggling to keep my head above the water and feel as though I am drowining. I hate these times when I lose control. More than anything I wish I could regain what little footing I usually have. My life is good and I have nothing to complain about, but there is just something that is trying to eat away at the person I am...I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll be ok, but I wish I were handling things better...My tears are driving me crazy!

GOD IS STILL GOOD!!!

Why Does Love Equal Sex?

Now I don't believe this. In fact, I truly believe that love is better than sex any day. I'm not talking about the physical satisfaction you get from making love (which I have yet to experience), but I am talking about knowing at the end of the day that you didn't give someone something that you can never get back. Sex only lends us temporary satisfaction, when heartbreak stays with us for years.

I found this excerpt from Relevant Magazine and I felt like the author totally had been where I have been:

"I am aware at the most inconvenient of times that my motley mix of sentiments does not lend itself to easy decision making. Like when my young and virile body says yes, yes, yes and my cautious and convicted mind says no, no, no. Like when the candle is lit and his arms just feel so good, and I would love nothing more than to show him just how much he means to me because words will no longer do. Like when he's sitting two feet away, and I somehow have to muster up the courage to admit to us both that conviction trumps libido, and I will not be sleeping with him tonight, tomorrow or any day between now and matrimony. I simply can't take that risk, because I haven't found a condom strong enough to hold back my tender heart from fusing itself to his irrevocably. Furthermore, I don't want to.

But tonight the mood is right and we have to make a decision, or the decision will make us. I try to avoid his ocean eyes so as to not throw my life preserver to the sharks and willingly sink into their depths until I am little but a foregone conclusion. There is no earthly way, I realize, that we will be able to reach a conclusion that satisfies us both—in the emotional and the carnal sense. S-E-X turned out to not be such a small word after all.

There's simply no earthly way.

And then I remember …

I am not of this earth. My body is not my master. I am not meant to drift aimlessly through the landscape of indecision in a bewildered stupor. I am meant to run free, and when the weight of the world starts to drag my feet down, I am meant to cast all my cares on God, for He cares for me and is able to sustain me (Ps. 55, 1 Peter 5). There is no earthly way I can reconcile my twentysomething-year-old hormones with my ageless faith. But there is a Godly way, or He would not be God. After all, He invented sex, you'd think He'd be willing to help us figure it out. And He will—that's just the kind of guy He is.

Now that's the kind of risk from which I don't need a condom to protect me."

I thank God that I am made in His image and that He gave me life and love. I want to be in love more than anything in the world, but I am scared. Scared that I will not let God have control. Scared that I will be hurt again. I guess more than anything right now I just want to love without holding back. I want to just let God have complete control! It will be perfect, I just know it!